Q.   I've never roleplayed with my husband before.  I want to try it, and Halloween seems like an easy excuse to get into costume.  How do I make it hot, not cheesy?


A.   Cheesy can be hot!  Roleplaying is automatically a turn-on just because it's a break from your usual routine in bed: doing something new triggers the release of the neurotransmitter dopamine, which amps up arousal.  There are so many costumes that can double as roleplay lingerie (nurse, maid, cheerleader).  Try browsing through your local costume shop together (or check out an online store like Lovehoney), and point out outfits you each like.  You don't even need to buy them.  Just find something around the house that can stand in for a prop, then imagine the rest.  A feather duster could be the basis of a French maid scenario or a ruler could turn your boudoir into a classroom, along with a short skirt and pigtails.  A pencil skirt, white shirt and glasses could transform you into a secretary.

Q.   My boyfriend dumped me last year and I had problems getting over him, but when we get drunk, we sleep together again.  Is he using me?  I'm happy getting regular sex but I don't even find him attractive any more - how do I break the cycle?


A.   You're both using each other for sex.  If you're happy with this arrangement then carry on, but bear in mind that he may be having sex with other people too, so look after your own sexual health and insist on condoms.  The first step to breaking the cycle could be to stop drinking so much, so you're more in control of your decisions.  Would you sleep with him if you bumped into him in a cafe at lunchtime?  Probably not.  Go out to different places as well, so you won't meet him and be tempted.

Q.   I've made a huge mistake - I broke up with my boyfriend of one year for a crush who turned out to be using me.  Now I'm ashamed of how I treated my boyfriend.  Is it too late to beg him to take me back?


A.   It won't hurt to tell your ex how sorry you are.  You can do this via a letter or email, or face to face.  Rather than telling him you chose your crush over him, just say you realise you made a mistake, that you're aware how much this hurt him and you're sorry.  He might have questions about why you broke up, so give him time to speak, and listen.  This doesn't mean he'll want to get back together though.  Tell him you'd like to, but if he doesn't want to then you'll need to move on.

Q.   I've been in a relationship for over a year, but my bloke's very secretive about his exes.  I don't know anything about them other than what I've found on Facebook and I know he's been talking to one of them, even though he's denied it.  I just want him to be honest with me - what can I do?


A.   Is he a bit secretive or are you a bit nosy?  You may have told him you want honesty but have you asked him what he wants?  It's good to establish ground rules in relationships, but you both have to agree on them, otherwise it becomes controlling.  He may not want to 'tell all' because he doesn't feel it's relevant or he fears your reaction.  In any relationship there has to be room for each person to have his or her own private thoughts and you don't seem to want to acknowledge that.  Ask yourself if he's giving you any reason to feel insecure or if you need to work on your self-esteem.  Chat about ground rules and come to a joint decision about what you want to divulge.

Q.   My girlfriend has had 30 lovers.  I said I'd had 20 but really I've only had eight.  She was worried I'd think less of her.  I told her that I didn't but I kind of do.  She's only 25 - three years younger than me.  Doesn't that make her a bit of a slut?


A.   If you switched those numbers around, would you worry about being judged, or would you feel proud of the notches on your bedpost?  It's a fact that women in their youth have a lot of sex they later regret, whereas men have a lot of regret about not getting more sex in their youth.  If you ask your girlfriend how many of those 30 men she feels good about, the number will probably be closer to yours.  And if you're honest about the women you've wanted to sleep with, but didn't manage to get into bed, wouldn't it be as high as hers?  Whether you think she's a 'slut' is for you to decide (if you feel you have the right) but one thing is for sure - your girlfriend has been upfront about her sexual history, which makes her honest, trusting and brave, and that's more than can be said for you.

Q.   I can't be faithful.  Even if I'm having great sex with a guy I'm seeing, I still crave sex with strangers.  I look at dogging sites and masturbate to porn every day.  I feel like a horrible pervert but I can't seem to stop.  What's wrong with me?


A.   It sounds like sex addiction, which is as dangerous as addiction to drugs and alcohol.  Sex addicts don't simply love sex; they live in shame and secrecy, feeling helpless and isolated.  If you feel out of control, you might have a problem that, left untreated, will only get worse.  You can read up on it at www.slaafws.org.  I don't mean to scare you but you must take your health and safety seriously.  Risky behaviour produces chemicals in the brain that can be addictive and make you act in dangerous ways.  The good news is that recovery is possible and there's help out there.


http://www.slaafws.org/journal/freeissue

Q.   I've started seeing a bloke who I really like, but it's only been a few months and he's already acting like we've been together for years, which I'm finding very intense.  I found out he broke up with his girlfriend of four years only a few weeks before we got together.  Is he just trying to replace his ex with me?


A.   Rushing into a new relationship after the break-up of a long-term one means that we can try too hard to make the new one work.  Worse still, the new partner often suffers for the sins of the ex, in your case, you only say that he's a bit intense.  So for the time being just take things with a pinch of salt.  He's making the effort and clearly wants to make it work, and is looking to the long-term.  As long as you like him enough and want similar things, then hopefully he'll begin to lighten up.  However, if his intensity begins to make you feel uncomfortable, ask, 'Why does it seem as if we've been together ages?' and see what response you get.  Give him reassurance if you think he's feeling a little insecure, but don't let him try to control you.

Q.   My friend treats blokes terribly.  She always has several on the go and doesn't care about their feelings.  Every bloke I meet thinks I'm the same as her so they lose interest.  How can I show them I'm not like her?


A.   We tend to choose our friends for qualities we admire or that we share, so by hanging around with her you will always risk turning other men off.  It's probably best to avoid going on the pull together, or if you do, make sure you avoid dressing alike or using mirrored body language, as it will look as though you're like-minded.  You could also point out to any blokes you do like that you're like chalk and cheese.  The best way to change a reputation is by example though.  If you date a nice bloke for a while, everyone should see that you're very different from your friend.

Q.   My ex was really protective, always called me to see how I was and really took care of me.  My new boyfriend doesn't give me as much attention, which makes me feel like he doesn't like me as much.  I don't want to seem clingy, but how can I tell him he needs to show his feelings more?


A.   Firstly, you're going to have to accept that he's a different person and you may not ever get the same attention as your ex gave you.  However, that doesn't mean your new bloke can't change.  You just need to be realistic.  Start by giving feedback on what he does right.  Tell him it makes you feel good and he will be more likely to do it again.  Next, work out what is the most important thing he could do and mention it to him.  Pick a quiet moment together and just say, 'I'd really like it if you did this or this' and tell him how it would make you feel.  Whatever you do, don't start comparing him to your ex.  You have to accept him for who he is.

Q.   My boyfriend and brother hate each other.  I've been with my boyfriend for a while now and my brother still won't accept it.  Help!


A.   You need to ask your brother why he dislikes your boyfriend - maybe it's just that he feels protective and doesn't think your man is good enough for you.  They probably see each other as an alpha male threat - they both want to be the most important man in your life.  Explain that he's doing you no favours by making things hard - hopefully he'll just want you to be happy.

Q.   I have small boobs and my boyfriend of over a year has always insisted he prefers them that size.  But I've recently found out the looks at women with big breasts on the internet.  Every time we talk about it we argue.  What do I do?


A.   Sexual appetites can be quite complicated and some people have contradictory tastes.  It could be that he likes to look at big breasts but not touch them.  The reason you're arguing is that, understandably, this has hit a nerve for you.  So when you do talk, ask him to explain how he feels, and let him do all the talking without interrupting him.  Start by saying that although you feel hurt you want to understand how he feels.  He may not even know why he has this conflict.  Letting him talk may help him work it out.  Don't feel tempted to dive in too soon with your side.  Take time to think about it and then explain to him how you feel about his online hobby.  Taking the heat out of the situation may help you both come to an understanding.

Q.   I recently found out that my husband was a womaniser in his past.  We ran into some of his old friends who were teasing him about being married and that he used to be such a 'man about town'.  I asked him what they meant by it and he eventually admitted that he'd slept with more than 100 women.  I'm shocked because this doesn't fit with my perception of him and I'm not sure how to handle it.


A.   It's normal to feel betrayed in this situation and think 'What else has he lied about or omitted to tell me?'  But it's important to remember that he hasn't actually lied to you and I suspect the only reason he didn't tell you about is past is that he's ashamed and thought you might judge him for it.  So what if he was a womaniser?  This is what he did before he met you.  It's how he's behaved since that matters.  I'm assuming, of course, that he practised safe sex and you both got tested for STIs before ditching the condoms.  Having said all this, you do need to talk this through so it doesn't fester.  Ask him, as calmly as possible, why he didn't mention this before or at least hint that he'd had lots of women.  We all have secrets we're not proud of and we're all capable of changing.  We had every opportunity to choose any of those 100 women to spend his life with.  He chose you. Be flattered, not hurt or upset.

Q.   I've been told the man I love is having an affair with a colleague.  I never had a reason to doubt him before but a family member (who doesn't like him) told me the news, saying they'd heard it from someone else.  I can't confront him as he's working abroad.  What should I do?


A.   It's not confrontation you need now, only information.  If you can't visit him, send an email or a letter expressing warm affection and trust, not angry suspicions.  The speed and tone of his reply should tell you more than any spiteful gossip who dislikes your man.  Yes, love is risky.  Love can betray.  And love can hurt like hell.  But until there is evidence of wrongdoing, love deserves the benefit of the doubt.

Q.   A close male friend of mine is a secret cross-dresser.  Lately he says it's getting him depressed because he feels it's wrong.  I love him as a friend and want to help.


A.   Many experts say that cross-dressing or transvestism usually expresses not a desire to be a woman, but merely to be seen as a woman and to feel like one in sexy garments.  Many male transvestites actively prefer relationships with women; a husband's taste for cross-dressing is not an uncommon secret within loving marriages.  To ease your friend's worries, go online for information and helplines you can pass on to him.  If knowledge of other transvestites doesn't comfort him, he should try counselling - not for cross-dressing but for his shameful feelings.

Q.   Whenever I touch my boyfriend's penis, he pulls my hand away.  And he's never let me give him oral.  What's his problem?  At first I thought he was shy, but it's been six months.  He's very attentive to me; I just want to reciprocate.


A.   Maybe he's insecure about his size or shape, or perhaps he's afraid of cumming too quickly.  He might have been put off by an ex's ham-fisted handjob or the scrape of one too many teeth.  Or it's possible - albeit rare - he just doesn't like being handled.  Whatever the reason, you must respect it.  Six months is long enough to trust someone.  Maybe now's a good time to start talking about sex as well as doing it. 

Q.    My new guy met my friends a few weeks ago, and I expected them to get along great.  While my girlfriends have said nice things, I get the sense that they really don't approve.  Plus my boyfriend has strangely 'had plans' whenever I've suggested group outings since then.  I want to date someone who gets along with my friends.  Is there anything I can do to get him to give it another shot?


A.  I'm sure your friends are very nice.  But it sounds like you kinda fed your boyfriend to the wolves.  I don't blame him for not wanting to serve them seconds.  Meeting all your girls at once must have been totally overwhelming for him.  He probably could have navigated that situation with help from you but since you 'expected' him and your friends to get along, you probably didn't give him too much.  Plus, your boyfriend isn't stupid.  He knows it's a big deal to meet your gang and that it didn't go well.  Now he's just trying to avoid a repeat performance.  As you point out, it's important for the person you date to get along with the people you care about - so you need to fix things, as soon as possible.  Make sure your friends know how happy he makes you so that they keep an open mind, and apologise to your boyfriend for tossing a friend grenade at him - it'll reinforce that it was the situation, not the people, that he disliked.  Finally, ask one laid back friend to meet the two of you for a drink.  It'll be much easier for your guy to relax and open up, and once he knows he connects with one of your friends, he'll be much more willing to get to know the rest.

Q.   My guy recently picked out a hot girl at a restaurant and told me that he would never date someone who's that attractive because she'd get checked out too much.  Before that, he had made me feel sexy.  Now I feel awful.  He apologised, but I'm not over it.  Am I overreacting?


A.   I don't think so.  What he said was mind-blowingly stupid and insensitive, but I'm sure he feels terrible.  But trust me, he didn't mean what he said.  For starters, it was a total lie!  If he were single and she was into him, do you really think he'd turn her down just because other guys check her out?  Of course not.  Most men love dating someone who makes other men jealous.  No, he was just looking for a way to point out a hot girl.  Sound crazy?  It kind of is, but guys often can't help but check out and comment on attractive women - it's just a stupid thing they're programmed to do.  The thing is, his brain was active enough to make the comment in a way that would be palatable to you (or so he thought).  Even though he pointed her out, he also tried to say that she wasn't a threat.  That's no excuse for saying something hurtful, but I think you should let it go.  So tell him he owes you dinner for being such a moron, then let him get back to making you feel sexy.

Q.   My man and I get on great when we're alone but on nights out we fight.  He gets jealous when I talk to or look at other men.  How do I tell him it's driving me insane without him laughing it off as the drink?


A.   This rings warning bells.  He sounds potentially very controlling.  Pick a quiet time to talk when you're both sober.  Explain how is jealousy is upsetting you.  Tell him he can trust you but if he carries on acting like this he'll drive you away.  Discuss how you can enjoy a night out without arguing and make it clear if it happens again you'll go home.  He has to sort this out.  You can't sort it out by arguing when he's been drinking.  If he's insecure, reassuring him or not having contact with other men will not help.  He needs to see a counsellor to address the root of his behaviour and why he's so jealous.  If he can't do this you need to end the relationship as controlling behaviour like this usually only gets worse.

Q.   I'm 19 and have never been kissed.  I thought things would change when I went to uni but they haven't.  I've fancied blokes, but they never amount to anything.  I feel like there's something wrong with me.  Please help!


A.   There's nothing wrong with you .... you simply haven't met the right bloke yet.  Kissing strangers is never particularly fun, so when you find a man you like try to be friends first.  Then it will mean so much more when you do have that first kiss.  Try not to worry about it too much - putting pressure on yourself won't help.   When you're with blokes you like, just be yourself.  And when you do find that perfect man, don't go too heavy on the sticky lipgloss - they hate it!

Q.   My boyfriend goes to Ibiza with his friends in a month and I'm scared he'll cheat.  He assures me he won't but all his friends are single and I don't want them to encourage him.  Help.


A.   Singles holidays get a lot of bad press but a lot of people just go there to drink and dance.  Look at this as a test of your relationship.  It's a test for both of you, your trust and his faithfulness.  Is it his mates you don't trust or him?  You need to decide where you're going to draw the line and what happens if he crosses it.  It doesn't have to be a heavy, dramatic ultimatum, just a statement of fact.  If he's assured you he's not going to cheat, then you're just going to have to take his word for it.

Q.   I keep cheating on my boyfriend.  It's like I can't say no but I hate myself after.  Mostly they're one-offs, so I tell myself it's OK as he won't find out, but deep down I know it's not.  I feel so guilty.  I love him, so why can't I stop? 


A.   What we do says more about what we want than what we say we want.  You say you want to stop cheating but the fact that you continue to do it anyway speaks volumes as to how you really feel.  You may say you love your boyfriend but your behaviour suggests you're looking for a way out.  Ending a relationship is hard, so hard that it can seem easier to force our partner into a position where they have to do the dumping.  It's called constructive dismissal.  Give him the relationship he wants or free him to find it with someone else before your guilt destroys you both. 

Q.   My girlfriend's acting like a sex pest.  It really bothers her I don't want as much sex as I did at the start.  But that's normal, right?  I fancy her, just not in the rip-her-kit-off way I used to.  She tries too hard; it's a turn-off.


A.   Sex pest?  Really?  Squeeze your size 10s into her stilettos and stand in them for a mo.  One minute you can't keep your hands off her, making her feel like the sexiest woman in the world, then suddenly the only thing you're pawing is the Sunday papers, and she's history.  Relationships must change but when they do, it's scary. Being the centre of someone's attention makes us feel safe and wanted - being ignored can make us feel insecure and rejected.  She needs reassurance not judgement.  She's trying hard so you know she still wants to be with you - what are you doing to let her know how you feel about your future together? 

Q.   My boyfriend loves play fighting but he gets really rough.  He once dislocated my finger!  It's foreplay to him, and he always wants sex after, but I feel weird that he's turned on by pinning me down - it's like he's forcing himself on me. 


A.   The fact your boyfriend likes to wrestle with you doesn't make him dark and dangerous.  Most sexual fantasies are about power in one form or another - taking it or giving it away.  Being stimulated by a degree of submission or domination doesn't make us victims, weirdos or predators.  Can you honestly say that power or powerlessness play no role in your sexual thinking?  Tell Clumsy to be more careful or say goodbye to play fighting for good. 

Q.   I've been with my man for seven months and we both have children from previous relationships.  His ex keeps trying to split us up.  How can we make it clear that she has no chance of winning him back, without upsetting her so much that she'll stop him seeing his daughter? 


A.   You're right that this needs to be handled sensitively.  He needs to chat to his ex and acknowledge that, because they have a child together, they will always be a part of each others' lives.  But he also needs to talk to her about why they broke up in the first place.  It's best for him to focus the conversation on being friends with her and fostering a good relationship, rather than bringing up the issue of access to his child.  It may be rocky for a while, but as long as he is kind, firm and consistent, the message will sink in. 

Q.   I'm seeing a guy who I thought cared for me.  But now he only wants us to hang out when he's drunk, meaning he only wants sex.  His best friend is very caring and understanding.  He makes me laugh and looks after me - I've started falling for him.  How do I tell him without destroying their friendship and making them hate me?  I'm scared of what will happen but can't carry on this way.


A.   You have two problems and they need to be solved separately.  Your boyfriend has been becoming your ex for some time.  He neglects you except when drunk and feeling horny - a combination, incidentally, that doesn't make for fun in bed.  Tell him you need time on your own to think about the future.  You know what? You do.  You need to get back out there; to renew old friendships, to concentrate on work or studies.  Don't even mention his friend yet - he's problem number two.  It could be he is only a comforter, and escape route from your messy relationship.  Stay cool, stay busy and give your feelings time to settle.  If your 'ex' accepts you as a friend, that's up to him.  In due course, he may even accept your relationship with his friend, if it still exists.  But don't leap out of one man's frying pan into another man's fire, that's how a girl gets burnt.

Q.   I'm so bored of sex with my boyfriend.  I roll my eyes behind his back and don't even try to orgasm.  It's the same every time, and it only changes if I change it.


A.  A great sex life needs care, communication and compromise.  Do you care enough to make it better or are you seeking an excuse to leave?  If you do care, speak up and give him a chance to care too.  Men struggle to hear what we don't say when the blood's in their head - once it's in their penis they've got no chance.  Own up to being half the problem.  Try 'It's hard to say what I want so I get angry with you for not just knowing.'  Pay attention to the three C's and satisfaction will rise like a golden souffle.

Q.   I've been with my boyfriend for three years, and lately he's been going out without telling me.  One night, my friend and I followed him.  We saw him buying girls drinks - he even kissed one of them.  When I confronted him, he said that loads of men do this when they're drunk and I shouldn't be bothered.  I'm really upset, what should I do?


A.   End it now!!  It's not 'normal' for men to go out and get drunk and kiss other women.  Despite what any man might tell you, given the chance, being drunk is never an excuse.  I can guarantee that kissing this girl probably wasn't his only intention either.  He won't be thinking, 'That was a nice kiss', he'll be thinking about shagging her too.  If you stay with this guy he'll think you're a total mug.  It'll only get worse.  But on the other hand, if he sees that you're not bothered, he might stop wanting to behave badly anyway.

Q.   My boyfriend has a small penis, which I'm perfectly happy with, but he's obsessed with finding ways to make it bigger.  Why won't he believe me when I say I don't care? 


A.   His low penis-worth has little to do with you.  It was probably there long before you.  It does matter - to him - and while I'm sure he's glad you don't care, he clearly does.  Try listening to him instead of dismissing him.  I knew a man who told me that his sexual fantasies were about filling his partner's vagina with his 'huge manly tool'.  In real life his penis was small, so he had to make do with actual tools, like sex toys.  His issue was about his pleasure, not his partner's.  Why not let him bring a few toys to bed?  Will it really put you out to let him try a few tricks that might make him feel better about himself?

Q.   My boyfriend keeps pushing my hand in the direction of his bum.  I want to please him but the idea of touching him there is a huge turn-off.  Why does he want me to anyway - is he secretly gay?


A.   I doubt very much he's secretly gay, but the fact that a guy gets a sideways glance just because he's partial to a bit of anal action explains why so few men admit to it.  The anus is a mass of sensitive nerve endings, which is why plenty of folk enjoy being stroked, licked and entered there - for most men, it's the third most erogenous zone after the penis and testicles.  It's because of the prostate gland that sits close to the front of the anal wall and acts as a kind of G-spot for men.  If you change your mind and want to try it, you should file a fingernail for safety and health reasons, or wear latex gloves, use lube, and explore.  If you prefer not to play with your own hands, try some anal toys - plenty are available from Lovehoney.  It's also worth mentioning this is an erogenous zone for many women too.  You might be surprised....

Q. I found some intimate pictures of my man's ex. They've made me feel horrible. Her labia were perfectly shaved and neat; I'm hairy and misshapen (my 'inners' are more out than in). My boyfriend says I'm being ridiculous but I can't help it - he must be disgusted by mine after hers.


A.   Stop that - right now!!  Repeat after me, 'I'm not misshapen, I'm differently shaped'.  Assuming you're not a part-time gynaecologist, you probably don't get up close and personal to other women's vaginas.  But if you did, you'd know that they're as varied and unique as our faces.  As for your boyfriend, he should be begging for your forgiveness for being so careless - then bending over backwards to repair the damage.  I wonder if he'd think his feelings were 'ridiculous' if he found you'd kept a photo of your ex's bigger penis?  But I'm glad he's trying to reassure you.  Feeling disgust about your own body is upsetting and will ruin your sex life if you let it.  See this as you would any other physical insecurity and make the best of what you have.  Treat yourself to a bikini wax and some beautiful new undies.

Q.   My new man talks dirty all through sex and it's so off-putting.  Do I like it?  Is he big enough for me?  Shall he do this to me?  He tries to get me to talk dirty too but I feel stupid and don't know what to say.  Are we incompatible?


A.   That depends on your (and his) willingness to communicate and compromise.  He may be trying to get some feedback (moaning louder might do) or he's having a fantasy about the two of you that he wants you to join in with.  But if you don't like it, say.  Otherwise, you'll spend the rest of your (short) relationship in a state of hyper-cringe.  There are so many erotic angles on sex to explore, so dump the ones that don't work so you can enjoy the ones that do.  For instance, have you tried 'gag the boyfriend'?!!

Q.   My boyfriend is growing close to one of his female mates.  They text constantly and share lots of flirty jokes.  I've tried speaking to him, but he doesn't understand and says she's just a friend.


A.   You need to invite this girl on a night out with you and your boyfriend.  If she says no, then it's a sign that perhaps they aren't 'just friends'.  Or, if your boyfriend isn't happy for her to come along, then you're right to be suspicious.  If you do find he's trying to keep something from you, or they refuse to include you in their friendship, you need to grow a pair and make it clear to your boyfriend that you won't stand for it.  But if they are both happy to go out with you there as well, and they act like they normally do when it's just the two of them, you don't have anything to worry about.

Q.   I saw my ex recently for the first time in a year and he told me he really regretted splitting up.  I believed him and we ended up in bed together.  Then - surprise, surprise - I never heard from him again.  Why would he do that?


A.   Imagine a once-favourite pair of trousers that have been consigned to the back of the wardrobe.  Suddenly they pop back into your mind, so you dig them out and give them another try.  Only, you forgot how they don't quite fit, how you kind of outgrew them, and how the zip always used to get stuck.  Then you remember why you hid them away in the first place, and you sort of regret that uncomfortable night you spent with them again.  Well that's nothing to do with your ex.  I'm afraid he just fancied a shag!

Q.   I'm in a happy and stable relationship, but recently I heard that an ex, who I dated for two years, has settled down with a new girlfriend.  It's really bothering me, and I've even questioned if I was right to break up with him.  We split three years ago and I love my current boyfriend, so why can't I get this ex out of my head? 


A.   No one likes hearing that an ex has moved on, but it shouldn't be bothering you as much as it is.  If your ex knew you felt like this he'd be so smug.  Don't give him the satisfaction.  If he's happy with someone new, there's nothing you can do about it.  This isn't an episode of Eastenders and love triangles don't happen in real life.  If you decide you want to be with your ex, then don't be afraid to tell him - you have nothing to lose apart from some pride, and he might even feel the same (but I doubt it).  Do you love your current boyfriend?  Really? If you decide to make a go of things with him, then you should cut your ex out of your life.  Don't contact or Facebook-stalk him.  Try to forget him, so that you can give the new bloke a chance, without comparing him to your ex.

Q.   Whenever I try to initiate sex my boyfriend ignores me or pushes me away.  We only have sex at night, in bed and in the dark.  He doesn't look at me and never says anything nice about me.  He must think I'm ugly, so why is he with me? 


A.    What goes on in the bedroom never stays there.  Sex is like a thermometer - it takes the temperature of your relationship as a whole. Yours reads cold and sickly.  Most importantly, why are you with him?  Staying in a relationship that makes you feel worthless and unlovable is dangerous for you both.  Maybe you love him, maybe he loves you (in his own special way) but when love costs you your confidence, it's not worth it.  Life doesn't offer days in lieu for time wasted pouring energy into non-fillable holes.  I know there is better out there, if you have the courage to seek it.

Q.   I only orgasm from oral but my boyfriend hates doing it.  He will - reluctantly - if I ask, but makes it super-clear he doesn't really want to, which annoys me.  I think if he really loved me, he'd want to do it and learn to love it. 


A.   I'm with you all the way until the 'if he loved me' part.  Sexual tastes have nothing to do with love.  But trusting someone to be honest does.  Put aside your outrage and you may be able to work around his problem. Common reasons for avoiding oral sex are pubic hair (shave), taste/smell (shower first), jaw ache (interchange fingers and tongue), shame (his bag - therapy), and no confidence (reassurance).  Don't take it personally, seek a solution.

Q.   Why do women fake enjoying sex??  Why not just actually enjoy it instead?  I think my new girlfriend's faking - she thrashes about like she's in a porno.  Is it just me or do most girls not really like sex?


A.   Women fake enjoying when they don't feel safe enough to have real sex, or they aren't having sex that they enjoy.  This may be hard for you to grasp because, as a straight man, your right to your sexuality is rarely challenged.  You want sex and it's expected that men get it where and when they can.  Male sexual appetite is assumed and applauded, but a woman's is weighed and measured (often publicly).  If her sexual appetite is too small, she's frigid; too large and she's a nympho.  When you're trying to work out what's acceptable, it can be hard to know what's true.  If you want her to be real with you, take time to convince her that her pleasure is essential to yours.

Q.   I'm 19 and have yet to have sex.  I've never had a boyfriend, but I don't want to sleep with just anyone.  Whenever I tell people I'm still a virgin, they're shocked.  It's making me embarrassed and I feel pressured into having sex.  Should I get it over with, or wait?


A.   Why are you so embarrassed?  Being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of and 19 is not old at all!  If you're dating someone, you don't need to bring it up.  If you do and he makes you feel awkward or ashamed, then you shouldn't be dating him anyway.  If you sleep with someone just for the sake of it, then you'll get a name for yourself because of that - and not a good one.  People I know lost their virginity really young and it wasn't cool or sexy.  You should be proud that you haven't just jumped into bed with the first guy who came along.  Decent blokes won't care if you're a virgin, and you shouldn't be dating blokes who aren't decent.

Q.   A few months ago, I kissed a close friend of mine.  Afterwards, he told me that he really liked me and knew that he would be missing out on a good thing if he didn't pursue his feelings for me, but he also said that he didn't want to risk our friendship.  I really like him and we get on so well.  Should I talk to him about how I really feel or should I just forget it?  I'm scared, as I don't want to risk ruining the friendship either, but at the same time I think we'd be really good together.  I don't know what to do.  Help!


A.   It's good that you're thinking this through and you understand your friend's reservations.  He may have been in a similar position before, or might not be so sure that a relationship with you will work out.  If you talk to him, you need to listen to his concerns.  You seem to want to clear the air and have your say before you can move forward, so take a couple of days to think about what you are going to say and bear all the possible outcomes of the situation in mind.  If you just decide to remain friends, then you need to accept this fully and not raise the issue in the future.  If you choose to start a relationship then you'll both need to work at your friendship too.

Q.   I've been with my boyfriend for two years and we recently moved in together.  I love him, but I'm concerned about his relationship with his mum.  They're very close and affectionate, which makes me feel uncomfortable.  She calls him all the time, including before he goes to bed to wish him goodnight.  I don't know what to do.


A.   Unless his mum is interfering with your relationship, you should try to accept their close bond.  What's more important is how he behaves with you.  If he's not making you feel special, then this is a problem made worse by him being more affectionate with his mum than you.  It may be worth explaining to him what you want from this relationship and hopefully he can put this into effect.  Focus on your wants and needs, rather than how you feel about his mum.

Q.   My fiance didn't take his exes seriously, but promised to change for me.  It's been two years and we're truly in love.  But he stares at women when we're out and keeps in touch with exes, although he says nothing goes on and he's told them about me.  We're due to be getting married but I'm afraid he's a player.


A.   That he ogles women in front of you suggests he feels no guilt; the head turning is just a reflex.  Your jealousy will become a weapon he can use to get a reaction from you, or distract from serious issues.  And the most loving man may decide that if he must endure jealousy, why not deserve it?  So jealousy often gets the last thing it wants.  Here's a sneaky ploy: suggest a drink with his exes.  Either he'll hate the idea of notes being swapped and cool his connections with the past, or they might turn out to be friends to both of you.

Q.   I recently met an amazing guy who I get on with really well.  I thought he was special so I didn't sleep with him straight away.  Now we've been on loads of dates and we had sex with each other for the first time last week.  I found his penis quite small and unsatisfying and it it's putting me off him a bit.  I don't know if I can be with him if we can't have a good sex life.  What should I do? 


A.   Having sex with someone for the first time is never as good as when you've slept with them a few times, so give him a chance.  There are loads of things you can try to make it more satisfying - you can use toys or try different positions to make the most of what he's got.  Whatever you do, don't say anything to him about it, as you will totally ruin his confidence.  Do some research about what positions can work when a man isn't that well-endowed, and try out the new techniques next time you're together.

Q.   My boyfriend often goes out with his mates and their girlfriends, but the only time he's ever invited me was on his birthday.  Is he ashamed of me?


A.   You need to tell him how you feel.  Don't accuse him of being ashamed of you, or of leaving you out.  Have you considered that he may be ashamed of his friends, not you?  He's probably oblivious to how much this is upsetting you, but if he cares about you, he'll invite you out more.

Q.   I recently met a guy and we started texting and chatting on the phone a lot.  We've since met up and slept together a few times.  He still texts and calls me a lot, and before sex he's always really kissy and cuddly, but then he seems distant afterwards.  I'm starting to really like him, but he says he doesn't know where it's going.  Is he only interested in using me for sex?


A.   Even though your logical, rational side has worked out that this 'relationship' is all about sex, the romantic part of you still wants much more from this guy.  All the things you like about him - the texts, calls, kissing and cuddling - come from the time you spend together before you have sex.  If you're OK and happy for things to continue like that, then carry on sleeping with him.  However, if you're looking for something more permanent - and it seems like you are - it doesn't sound as if this man is going to be the one to provide it.  You need to decide what you really want from a relationship and what's more important to you.  Then ask yourself if this man is really going to be the one to deliver any of it.  If he's not, I suggest you walk away now, before you end up getting your heart broken further down the line.

Q.   I've been with my boyfriend for six months and am so happy - except for my jealousy.  He has a lot of female friends and I have just as many male friends.  I know I shouldn't but I check his texts and emails even though I trust him 100%.  How can I stop feeling this way? 


A.   What's irrational jealousy if not a failure of trust?  But you say you trust him, so that must mean there's someone else in this relationship you don't trust.  That must be you.  Odds are you've been hurt in the past.  But this is now, and maybe the future as well.  Please, walk tall.  And develop reasons at work and play to feel great about yourself.  Trust yourself to be lovable and you will find it easier to trust him to love you. 

Q.   I love giving oral sex but my new man's sperm tastes like rotting fish, and I can't bring myself to let it in my mouth, never mind swallow it.  I haven't said anything but it's ruining sex for me.  Is there something he can take to change the way it tastes?


A.   Ewwww - seriously?  Ewwww!!  There's little worse than foul-smelling sex juices, but happily all it takes is three bodily-conscious meals to sweeten them up.  All our smells and secretions are affected by diet - cigarettes and booze, plus red meat, cabbage, cauliflower, garlic, certain spices and onions can all cause bad-tasting sex fluids and stinky sweat.  Ask him to cut these out and eat chicken, celery, grapes and pineapple instead.  Also, drinking plenty of water helps (we're more than 50% water, so we are what we drink).  If this doesn't improve things, he should get checked out by a doctor or clinic, in case he has an infection.  If he's sulky about missing out on his burgers and beer, tell him he only has to go without on the days he wants a blow job!!  If he is offended by you suggesting he is less than pleasant, and he doesn't believe he has 'funky spunk', simply tell him to taste his own.  If he's willing to swallow, and can tolerate it, then so can you!

Q.   My boyfriends ex has just had a baby and he's doing the right thing by seeing the child and providing for him.  But I keep imagining them playing happy families together and it's driving me crazy.  Will he bond with his ex again because of the child? 


A.   Why did they break up in the first place?  Was he uncertain about being a parent?  About her?  Or did she end it?  And does she now want him back?  Either way, if he bonds at all, it will be less with his ex and more with his baby.  Presumably your relationship is quite a new one.  Chances are he's not sure how he feels about being a dad.  You must be sure how you feel about him too. If you want him, all you can do is hang in there patiently.  Because whether he stays or goes, from now on your boyfriend is carrying baggage.  If you two do remain a couple, when the time comes, be ready to welcome his child into your own heart and home. 

Q.   I can climax in 30 seconds or so by myself, but with a guy I just can't seem to let go.  I usually end up faking it because I feel sorry for them.  What's wrong with me? 


A.   Women who fake orgasms share a few of the same inconvenient beliefs.  They place a higher value on their lover's pleasure than their own.  They're more interested in the way they're perceived than being seen for who they really are.  They don't believe they have equal orgasmic rights and they don't trust their partner enough to tell the truth.  Sexy thinking, huh?  Most women would agree that orgasms start in the brain, but if yours is busy wondering what your lover is thinking - or whether you're taking too long, or if he'll be disappointed if you don't climax after all his hard work - you can't even get started.  Being in a trusting relationship will help but, in the meantime, try focusing on your favourite fantasies and the physical pleasure he's (hopefully) giving you.  Make your pleasure as important as his and you shouldn't have any more trouble. 

Q.   I love my girlfriend and I'd never hurt her, but in my fantasies I get off on dominating her and making her do stuff.  I want to try it in real life - role play and maybe bondage or spanking - but I'm scared it will change the way she feels about me.  What if she's shocked or offended? 


A.   At the start of a relationship we wear our 'Sunday Best' personalities, hoping someone will love us.  We put all our energy into pleasing them.  But after about six months, we need to start pleasing ourselves or we risk becoming resentful martyrs.  I understand you're nervous but, as with all aspects of our real selves, the truth will come out in the end.  Most people admit to some degree of S and M in their fantasy life and you'll be glad to hear that while most men lean towards the dominant end of the spectrum, girls tend towards the submissive.  Dip a toe in the water - pin her arms above her head when you're on top.  If she hates it, stop; if she responds well, try something else.  Ask 'Is this OK?'  If you don't feel you can be your whole self, the relationship has a shelf life. 

Q.   I've been with my boyfriend for three years, we're both 28.  He says he fancies me and finds me sexy but, after the initial period of lust, he seems to have a much lower libido than me.  He had testicular cancer as a teenager but says he was never really bothered about it.  I love him but I don't want a sexless relationship.  I've tried to tell him I'd like more sex.  We're planning to live together but I'm confused.


A.   He'd barely arrived at an age to express and enjoy healthy lust when cancer struck him in the organ of his newly matured manhood.  He tells you he was 'never really bothered' about having cancer?  Of course he was! And now that he's in a relationship and responsible for someone elses pleasure as well, don't you think he must be bothered again?  One of the side effects of testicular cancer can be loss of libido.  Talk to him - not about yourself and your sexual needs.  Lead him gently back to the youthful trauma he tries to brush aside - perhaps he'll at last be able to express his fears about his long-term virility.  Then urge him to contact Macmillan Cancer Support (0808 808 0000 or www.macmillan.org.uk).

Q.   At first, my girlfriend was all silk stockings and lace lingerie.  We had sex all the time.  Now, a year down the line, she's in her 'period pants' even when it's not her period, only shaves her legs to go out with the girls, and sex only happens on a Sunday.  I want to sue under the Trade Descriptions Act.


A.   Do you still make her sides split with daft jokes?  Make her heart leap with wild romantic gestures?  Lavish hours of foreplay on her?  Put the toilet seat down?  Being the perfect boyfriend all the time is exhausting, isn't it?  Well, so is being a 24-hour sex siren.  Few of us set out to mislead new lovers with false promises - we simply show our best side first and if all goes well, we relax and reveal a little more.  Her stubbly legs and big knickers are a testament to how safe she feels with you.  Bring her old sparkle back by treating her like a diamond (or buying her one!).  Present her with some new lingerie, light some candles and crack open a bottle of fizz.  This relationship is 50% yours - it's what you make it as well.

Q.   I secretly enjoy looking at bondage and S and M porn sites.  I plucked up the courage to share this with my boyfriend and he totally overreacted.  He said it left him cold and if he wasn't enough for me, I should go!!  I do want more - but I want it with him. 


A.   Look at it from his angle - he thought he knew how to please you in bed, then you announce your tastes are far more exotic than the boring sex he has with you.  Not only that, you've been getting off on watching other men perform.  What did you expect, 'No problem, I'll start that spanking right away, Mistress'?  His pride is hurt and he needs some reassurance.  Tell him you love having sex with him and that all you want to do is build on it together.  Your honesty took courage.  Just give him a minute to take it all in. 

Q.   Do men ever fantasise about having sex with someone else while they're making love to their partner?


A.   Speaking generally, men are realists.  In the privacy of their own room, with nothing but their right hand for company, they may have fantasies about making love to any number of different women, usually all at the same time.  But confronted with a real, naked lady to play with, they want to take it all in and absorb as much real flesh information as possible.  Admittedly, parts of this information may also be converted into a mental snapshot and used on a later occasion when you could be away/not talking to them/going out with someone else, but at the time, it's enough of an eyefest to keep their interest up.  Generally, when it's not enough, OK, I admit the odd image must just pop in there.  It's nothing personal.  And there's nothing to stop the occasional image popping into your head too! 

Q.   My husband cheated on me and we stayed together, but then I cheated on him.  We've both been honest about our infidelities and want to move forward, but I'm not sure we can, as we keep rowing about what happened.


A.   Use this as a wake-up call.  Focus on the important stuff, like trying to stay together.  If you want to move forward, you can't bring up the past every time you argue.  It's important for partners to learn to listen to each other.  Take time out to actually think about what your man says.  You may score a few points with put-downs and revenge, but how is that good for either of you, let alone your relationship?  Punishing each other with cheating means you are two individuals in a battle, not two partners in a relationship. Instead, focus on what you can do to strengthen your bond. 

Q.   I've been seeing my man for six months and he's yet to introduce me to his family or friends.  Is he hiding something?


A.   I could say he likes to take things slowly.  I could say his family will put you off.  I could even say he's a secret agent... but I'd be lying.  He's hiding something.  Big time.  It's up to you to find out what.  Is he keeping secrets to protect you (from his sordid past/family from Hell/oafish mates) or to protect himself (from his pregnant wife/knowing family/jeering mates)?  If it's the former, explain you can handle the fact that his rellies make the Addams family look normal.  If it's the latter, the time has come to explain you're a big girl now, with a big right hook.  You're his girlfriend not a haemorrhoid.  Don't settle for being kept under wraps. 

Q.   I've been with my boyfriend for four years, but I recently got in touch with my ex, who I still have strong feelings for.  We want to be more than friends, but I don't want to hurt my current partner.  What can I do? 


A.   Old flames can often be viewed through rose-tinted glasses, especially if your current relationship has become predictable.  You've been hit by a surge of excitement - part of it feels wrong and part of it feels nostalgic.  The problem is, you've forgotten why you split up with your ex in the first place.  It's always a good idea to look back and put this into perspective. They call it a break up because usually some part of it was broken.   Ask yourself if you were to invest more energy into your current relationship, how would you feel?  Decide where your heart truly lies.  Is it with the ex or your partner? Which relationship deserves a second chance?  And if you're not sure about either, is it time you had some space alone?  

Q.   I've just found out my boyfriend of five years slept with another girl on a night out.  I don't know what to do - I feel like I hate him, but we've got so much history together and I know I still love him.  He's apologised and has promised it was a one-off mistake, but can I trust him?


A.   Right now, you need space to deal with the shock.  It's normal to both love and hate a partner after hearing they've cheated, so you might prefer to have some time apart to decide what you want to do.  It'll take time to trust him again, and honest communication from both of you is needed for you to move on from this.  You may be able to rebuild the relationship, and counselling could help.  But if you feel you can't forgive him, then it's better to find someone who'll give you the respect you deserve. 

Q.   I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, but recently I've found out that he's been secretly flirting with someone who's also in a relationship.  I read his text messages and he's been slagging me off to her. I decided to confront him, but he said it was just 'banter'.  He deleted her number and said he'll change, but I don't trust him now.  What should I do? 


A.   It sounds as though you've never trusted him, which is why you checked up on him.  As much as he's been disloyal, you don't seem to give him his own space.  Trust is essential, but it's important for you both to express your individuality and have separate friends and interests.  You need to work out what you both want in the relationship, and if there's enough common ground to move forward. 

Q.   I've been seeing a bloke for a couple of months, but I feel as though he's only in it for the sex.  I don't hear from him for days, then he texts at 3am asking me to go round to his because he 'misses me'.  The thing is, I really like him.  Can I turn this into a proper relationship, or is it too late? 


A.   Unfortunately, there are a lot of girls out there who'll be able to sympathise with your situation.  My advice is to confront this man now.  Explain that you're beginning to fall for him and you need to know if he feels the same, or is it really just about the sex.  It may seem daunting, but you deserve the truth.  Quite simply, no one has the right to treat you this way - as an afterthought when they're lonely.  You need to be with someone who wants you for the right reasons, so be brave.  It's best finding out now before your feelings become too intense.  He may not realise his behaviour is making you think he's only interested in sex.  If this is the case, then there may be hope for the relationship.  However, if he doesn't want anything serious, as hard as it might be, at least you'll know the truth.  You'll be able to move on and find someone who is actually worthy of your feelings instead. 

Q. I slept with a bloke I know after a night out and we had a great time. We've exchanged flirty emails but he hasn't asked me on a date or tried to take things further. I really like him but I want him to ask me out - does his reluctance mean he's not interested?

A. There are two ways to look at this. Either he's waiting for you to make a move, or he's just being a bloke who's had a one night stand and is trying to not be too obvious. To put it bluntly, now that he's had you, he's just not that into you. Blokes tend to want what they can't have so it's a bit too late to be flirty once you've 'done the dirty'. Now learn from this, if you just want casual sex, then go for it, but don't try to change the rules of the game afterwards. If you want a date that leads somewhere, flirt before you have sex. If you want closure on this then send an email suggesting another meet up. However, you might be better marking this one down to experience and just moving on.

Q. I've just split up with my first long-term boyfriend. He said he still loves me, but a relationship isn't right for us at the moment. He's the only person I've ever loved and I feel empty inside. He said he'll come back to me in time and to stay faithful in the meantime. Do I wait for him or do I try to move on?

A. That empty feeling after a break-up is like bereavement. In time the pain lessens but it does take a bit of work rebuilding your life. Be kind to yourself, get out and about, and try to distract yourself from it all. Then start to make plans for your own life that don't involve hanging on to a maybe. Ok, so you may get back together with him, but the chances are slim. So although you can keep this thought in the back of your mind, you need to make the effort to move on and make the life for yourself that you deserve. It sounds as though your ex is trying to make it easier for you, but you already recognise that holding on to this relationship may hurt more in the long run. So save yourself the heartache and get on with your life.

Q.   I'm 18, and for the past eight months I've been seeing a 49 year-old married man.  He tells me he loves me and I think I feel the same.  I know his wife, but he says he's going to leave her for me.  I'm not sure I want him to, as I don't want her to be hurt, although I do want to carry on seeing him.  What should I do? 


A.   You're in a classic love triangle, where someone is always going to get hurt.  It sounds as though you love the excitement more than the harsh reality of what it will cost to be with him fully.  What happens when it stops being exciting?  Age gaps in relationships can work, but with so much baggage involved, the odds are against it.  Work out what you're getting from this.  All choices have consequences, so try to find a relationship you could be proud of. 

Q. I live in a small town where everything gets around and I've just found out my best friend's bloke has been cheating on her. I don't know if it's definitely true so do I tell her and risk breaking her heart if it's not? Or keep it from her and let her find out for herself?

A. If you're not sure, it's best to say nothing for now. It could harm your friendship if you tell her and it turns out it isn't true. I'd avoid getting involved in any gossip on this. Be there for her and continue to support her. If you find out for sure he is cheating, you may want to tell him you know and you're expecting him to behave respectfully and be honest and up front with her. You should tell her only if he's definitely cheating and won't change his ways.