Saturday, February 27, 2010

Q. I feel like I'm constantly repeating myself whenever my boyfriend and I have sex. Even though we've been together for ages, I still end up doing the old routine of 'Left a bit, right a bit, ouch that hurts!' Why can't he remember anything? Is he stupid or doesn't he want to learn?

A. Wow! I'm nervous in case I don't give you the right advice - I can only imagine the pressure he feels when it's your orgasm at stake. Your directions could be making him self concious. Do you put as much effort into telling him when he's right, or do you think, 'About time too.....'? Try giving him clear 'yes' messages like 'That's right', instead of 'You've got it wrong again!' One of the key elements to being a great lover is confidence. Do yourselves a favour and focus on his good side for a while.

Q. I initiate all the sex in my relationship. It hasn't always been like this - he used to be all over me. I know things tend to slow down after a while but he seems to have come to a complete stop.

A. A sexual relationship can be like the weather - there are dry spells, followed by flash floods when you can't get enough of each other. You can sit it out, seek a warmer climate or talk to him. If you think it's more than a dry spell, mention that you've noticed his sex drive is low and ask if everything is OK. He might be worried about it, too. Men react sexually to work stress, money worries and boredom - and any one of these could be crushing his sexual desire. Help him get to the root of his problem and you could find a monsoon is just around the corner.

Q. My fiancee is very sexually experienced but she's never had an orgasm. Whenever I ask her how I can help or try to talk about it, she gets angry. I know she gets close to cumming sometimes but then she'll just stop me.

A. Why has her lack of orgasmic ability become such a frustration for you? Is it because you love her so much that you want her to experience sex fully and wholly or is it because it reflects on you as a lover? A woman's orgasm is a release of tension, just like a man's, but while a man's is triggered physically, a woman's is triggered mentally. Pressuring her to cum just to please you is unlikely to be the trigger she's looking for. Maybe I'm judging you unfairly and you simply want to know if there's anything you can do. If you want to help, back away from her orgasm and let her deal with it in her own time and in her own way. Another option is buying a selection of toys for her to experiment with, alone, so she's not under any pressure to perform for you. Once you give them to her, shut up about them, don't constantly ask how they are working for her. If you take the pressure away, she will find her own way through this problem.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Q. I'm so bored of sex with my man. He takes so long to cum and everything has to be perfect for it to happen. He just carries on while I get dry and sore. And if I try to do anything, he says I put him off. I feel like his rubber doll.

A. And just like a rubber doll, you do as you're told without complaining? If you want to be treated like a real human being, start by treating yourself like one. Think about it - why would you put yourself through that? Does he have a right to his orgasm at any cost to yours? Somewhere during our upbringing, women learn that men have to be put first. No matter how much we fight it, intelligent, successful and beautiful women everywhere are (resentfully) putting their needs and discomfort to one side for their men. It happens so naturally that it takes us a while to realise we're doing it. But once we do, we have the chance to change it. Stake a claim on your right not to put up with bad or dull sex anymore. Talk to him, tell him how you feel, and encourage him to try new things. If he isn't willing to consider your feelings, why stay with him? Sex is meant to be the joining of two people, not just one with his orgasm utensil. Stand up for yourself, and prove that there isn't just one way to have an orgasm.

Q. Is something wrong with me? My boyfriend says I'm always angry and yell at him constantly. Why do I do it? I don't mean to be angry: in fact, I don't actually think I am....

A. You ask me why you're angry and then say you don't think you are angry with him. Spot the contradiction? Anger is very tricky. It can be used to disguise painful emotions, such as hurt, or confusion or disappointment, and is often a smokescreen for a deeper issue we're scared to bring into the open. Do you, for instance, doubt his commitment? Do you want more than he's offering? Maybe you feel trapped? The only way to solve the problem of being angry - or even just sounding angry - is to identify the real trouble. The best way to do that is together. And that means talking, not yelling. Sometimes it helps to go to a quiet place, where raised voices are more out of place than at home. And try organising your inner feelings in the form of an honest letter to yourself before you reveal them to him.

Q. Three months ago I moved hundreds of miles to live with my boyfriend of more than a year. I love him and I know he loves me, but I need constant reassurance, otherwise I think he's gone off me. I have nightmares that he's cheating on me and then I wake up really upset. When I tell him, he gets really hurt. What can I do?

A. On the surface it sounds as if you're jealous, but I suspect the dreams haven't much to do with jealousy at all. So before these nightmares spoil the good thing you two have, try to find the true source of your anxiety. Could it be you're trying to avoid admitting to yourself you feel homesick and isolated? You are in a new town, and that makes you dependent on your boyfriend for your social life and daily contacts. If he lets you down - that's a real nightmare scenario. But that won't happen if you make a life of your own. Have you got a job yet? Have you made friends of your own locally? Have you sussed out where the fun is? You are an explorer in a new country; your boyfriend is a guide. But what you make of the adventure is up to you.

Q. My boyfriend of two years and I get on really well but we've reached a stage where everything just feels kind of 'same old, same old'. I am 22 and he is 24. We're not yet ready to get engaged, or in a position to move in with each other. What do you think we can do to get that extra bit of commitment?

A. The very word 'commitment' means all or nothing. To commit yourself is to give yourself totally and utterly. You cannot get an 'extra bit', you either have it or you don't. However, you can take a step forward together towards a shared goal along the road to your future. What that is depends upon your mutual pleasures and tastes. It could be anything from joining a fitness club together or planning and saving for an adventurous holiday. Whatever you do now and whatever you achieve hand-in-hand, will create the special memories that only you two can share forever. And isn't that a positive step towards committing to each other?

Friday, February 12, 2010

Q. I know it was wrong but I read my ex's diary just before we split up. There was one entry from the beginning of our relationship that said I was funny and sexy but 'shame about the BJ's'. I've been completely paranoid about giving blow jobs ever since. What was I doing wrong?

A. What's that proverb about curiosity and dead cats? His comment was made at the start of your relationship, before you got to know him sexually - and I imagine that your technique was simply not his idea of great oral sex. That doesn't mean you're rubbish at it though. One man's idea of blow job heaven could be another's hell because different men want different things - some like it fast and rough; others prefer it slow and sensual. And at the start of a sexual partnership, we're all just guessing. Remember that men are learning too. Be careful you don't get so hung up on your performance that you forget to give the partner you're with a few pointers on his! And don't worry so much that you stop enjoying it because we all know a bad blow job becomes a great blow job if enthusiasm and a love of doing it is thrown into the mix. Love doing it and he'll love receiving it.

As Valentine's Day approaches there will be all kinds of excitement. There's the hope and anticipation of receiving a card, or gift, from someone you have your eye on. Then there's the buzz of getting a card when you've no idea who it could be from, but the fact you've received it means there's someone out there who has taken a shine to you. And of course, for those who are already ready in established relationships then it's always nice to get a reminder of your partner's feelings for you.

It's not all hearts and flowers though. A card from an unknown admirer can upset an existing relationship – so it's best to enjoy the thrill of receiving a card like this privately. Not receiving a card when you've been dreaming of this can leave a person deflated. For some Valentine's Day and the build-up can re-open emotional wounds, particularly if the person has lost their loved one.

It seems to me that there's a growing pressure around Valentine's Day to tick all the boxes. I remember when a card with 'SWALK' written on the envelope was all that was needed to set hearts pounding. Now it seems gifts, meals out, weekends away, and so on are the norm. It's not for me to say whether this is right or not but something I do know is that at this time of year in particular men feel under pressure to perform – and I'm not talking about serenading their loved one with a guitar or violin. I'm talking about 'in the bedroom', 'upstairs', 'on Sunday morning'.

I know this because I talk to lots of men through my radio spot who are 'having trouble in the bedroom department'. This is also backed up by the large number of emails I receive on the subject.

It's not only the impact on pleasure and enjoyment from sex. Erectile dysfunction (ED), or impotence, affects relationships too as one emailer explained, 'I'm just over 5ft tall and am classed as obese on the BMI scale. I've been with my wife for over a year now and our sex life has gone down the drain, I find it hard to perform most of the time and can certainly not reach the places I used too. It is because of this I fear my marriage may be about to go plop'. Being overweight detrimentally affects erections, it also means a man is more likely to tire more quickly during sex. In this situation losing some weight and getting back to a healthy weight can help erections return, and potentially save a marriage.

Most men will experience erectile dysfunction at some point in their life. Usually it's a one-off experience or short-term but for many it's a long-term problem where erections don't last long enough to reach orgasm, or don't happen at all. In around 80% of cases this is down to a physical problem where not enough blood is getting to the penis. High blood pressure and diabetes are the commonest underlying reasons, which is why men are encouraged to get tested for these.

Cutting back on alcohol, not smoking cigarettes and not using recreational drugs, regular exercise and keeping stress under control all help to prevent erection problems. Of course, we are fortunate to have tablet medication to help men overcome erection difficulties – always get these from a reputable source, for example your own doctor.

One emailer said, 'I can get an erection but I cannot ejaculate during intercourse only through masturbation, yet another embarrassing problem'. This specific complaint is very common amongst men and indicates that mechanically the equipment is working. However, something is getting in the way during sex and there are a number of possible reasons for this. In longer term relationships sometimes sex becomes routine or boring making it harder to be stimulated. People may feel they are just going through the motions. When this is the case then varying the time, place, and positions can help, as can experimenting with fantasy-play or sex toys.

Stress often gets in the way. It's difficult to relax and enjoy sex if your mind is actually worrying about work. Another scenario is if a couple is trying for a baby but the man isn't sure he's ready, or wants, to become a Dad. When a couple are committed to trying to get pregnant but it's just not happening sex may become a 'baby-making function', which can detrimentally affect enthusiasm, and performance. Nowadays tiredness is a common reason as sex needs energy and if a person is shattered then they are likely to run out of steam. And no-one needs reminding how too much alcohol can cause 'brewers droop'.

I know it takes a lot of courage but the first step in overcoming erection difficulties is to talk about the problem. Doing this with your partner often solves the problem as all too often suspicions have arisen and got in the way. The partner with erectile dysfunction avoids any intimate situation for fear he may not be able to perform and satisfy his partner. Consequently the other partner feels they are no longer attractive and can no longer arouse him, and fears he must be having sex elsewhere. If someone doesn't feel ready or comfortable talking with their partner, then their GP will be all too ready to listen, and help.

Valentine's Day is about expressions of love, most commonly through words. So although having a problem with erections may be causing all sorts of stress and anxiety, made worse by the time of year and this day of love, Cupid's arrow could come in handy if someone uses words to explain the problem because in doing so they'll also be expressing their love.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Q. My new man talks all the way through sex - like a radio commentator at a football match: ''re doing this to me and now I'm doing this to you ....'. That on its own is bad enough, but then he'll call me names, which I hate. I don't know how to tell him without upsetting him.

A. Some people are turned on by what they see, some by what they feel and others by what they hear. If he's turned on by filthy banter, his sexual experience could be severely compromised if you put a ban on it. Try finding a compromise. He likes the chatter but you don't, so while you're building up to your orgasm, gently shush him and tell him you prefer silence. Then, when it's his turn, reward him by doing some dirty talking of your own. But make sure you let your man know the words or names that turn you off and ask him not to use them again because it's spoiling sex for you. If we make room for our lover's little habits, strange as they may be, hopefully they'll make room for ours.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Q. I've been with my boyfriend for two years, but his ex - with whom he has a daughter - is always trying to break us up. She makes snide remarks about me and sends him dirty texts and pictures - it feels like they are still together! We threw his daughter a birthday party last week. I took some photos and uploaded them for him to show his friends, but his ex found out and threatened to smash my laptop. I'm terrified of her, so talking to her isn't an option. I'm afraid she'll stop him seeing his daughter. How can I deal with this?

A. You can't speak to her, but I hope you can speak to him. Why did they split? If you don't know, discuss it calmly. Urge him to seek legal advice about setting up parental rights so his daughter can't be used as a pawn by his jealous ex. She imagines her child may come to love and prefer you, as her daddy does. Guilt - not love - makes him take her calls; your dignified silence is the only way to help him and discourage her. Try to smile and say 'Poor cow!' when she tries to upset you. Let him be with his daughter mostly on his own for a little while. In time, you can forge a relationship with her. Even jealousy runs its course. It won't be easy, but if you keep your cool, she'll cool down too, eventually.

Q. My boyfriend doesn't do foreplay. He'll let me do stuff to him, but then he'll just climb on me and carry on until it's finished. I find it really hard to get going without any build up and I almost never orgasm. I know you'll say it's my job to get good sex, but how?

A. Firstly, what's motivating his bad behaviour? Is he a) a selfish loser; b) a nervous wreck or c) totally oblivious? If it's 'a', he only cares about his needs both in and out of bed. He doesn't need to change because you give him everything he wants. So stop!! Tell him you want to orgasm first - that means if you don't, he won't either. Guy 'b' has no idea how to please you and is so scared of getting it wrong he doesn't try. When faced with your vagina, he's lost in the Amazon jungle without a compass. He needs guidance and possibly a map! If he's 'c', he's inexperienced and a bit dozy. Try a foghorn and a copy of the Lovers Guide. Believe you deserve good sex and you won't settle for bad.

Friday, February 5, 2010

A great show on TalkSport tonight, and thanks to Adrian :)

For all my new followers, and people popping onto my blog, please feel free to check out my other blogs. The 'broadcaster' I had a run in with earlier today is actually on another blog of mine, so you're welcome to read my opinion lol.

As for the others, please feel free to follow or bookmark them so you can visit them regularly.

My agony mistress blog is my problem page, and my email address is for any problems you may have.

The other blogs you are welcome to explore and enjoy are:

You need to be adults for most of them, but I'm sure if you've just listened to Adrian's show, chances are you can handle it :)

Thanks so much for listening, and feel free to email me anytime you like with your problems, comments or opinions :)

Q. My girlfriend's perfectly lovely until we have sex - then she becomes an annoying girly girl. She either makes these stupid purring noises or calls me pet names and speaks in a baby voice. I don't want to upset her, but it's really freaking me out. What shall I do?

A. It sounds as though you're at the end of your tether, and if you don't say something to your girlfriend soon, you'll find you can't bring yourself to have sex with her at all. She might be acting childishly in bed because a) it's a cover for how shy and vulnerable she feels; b) it's a hidden request for you to be more authoritative with her - she wants you to be the boss - or c) she's simply repeating something that worked with her last lover, and is assuming that you like it too because you haven't set her straight. You clearly like this girl, so do both of you a favour and get real - ask her why she does it. Be careful not to criticise her, though. There's nothing at all wrong with what she's doing - it just isn't working for you.

Q. My boyfriend loves going down on me, but sometimes when he's down there he just looks at me. It makes me uncomfortable and I feel like I'm being inspected. Is he being weird?

A. Men are as sexually stimulated by what they see as by what they feel; when having sex, they prefer to keep their eyes open and the lights on. Being allowed to look between your legs is a privilege and I don't doubt he does it because it turns him on. But being looked at and admired is one thing; being scrutinised as if part of a scientific investigation is another! Tell him to put his microscope away as it makes you nervous. Or close your eyes and trust he's looking as he wants to know you. Yes, every nook and cranny!! In fact, you can turn it into a role play situation, where he can play the doctor who is examining you, so he doesn't just look, he plays while he's down there too, but if you are blindfolded, or get your head into thinking you're a patient, it can be a very erotic play situation. Try it, you might like it :)

Q. I know I'm not supposed to, but I've got myself into two relationships at once. I need to pick one guy, but can't - I love both of them deeply. Mr A. is very loving and settled, and makes me his priority. Mr B. is a great cook, we have fantastic sex and he gives me my own space. How can I make a choice?

A. To be torn between two men means even though you love qualities in each of them, you don't deeply love either - not enough for commitment. Take a break from both guys. Spend a week or two away if you can - alone. Discover from a distance which, if either, emerges as the clear winner of your heart. More importantly, time on your own gives you a chance to find out who you are. For instance, do you truly want to settle down? Have you become the person you want to be, or are you still discovering yourself? Do you agree with Mr A. that you should be his first priority? Or do you think more like Mr B.? By the way, you don't mention who told you that you weren't supposed to love two men. Whoever it was, now you're discovering for yourself why two at a time is a bad idea.

Q. One of my partner's best friends came on to me at a party and he's been inappropriately flirty with me ever since. I don't fancy him at all and I'm in love with my man. Should I tell him what happened?

A. It sounds like he's not as good a friend as your man thinks he is - or he's very confused about the appropriate boundaries for flirting. Tell your boyfriend's friend you're not interested in him, and the fact that he would even consider coming on to his best friend's girlfriend means he doesn't value his friendship very much. Listen to what he has to say for himself; if he explains it was a mistake and won't happen again - and he seems genuinely remorseful - tell him you won't speak to your boyfriend about what happened, but set out what you expect from him, such as no more flirting. Hopefully this will be enough to get things back to normal. IF he tries it on again, its probably a good idea to speak to your boyfriend and let him confront him, in terms of what it means for their friendship.