Monday, November 23, 2009

Q. A year ago I caught my partner looking at porn and he said he was sorry. But it felt like he had cheated on me. Then I recently found he was doing it again. He apologised, saying he could see how it made me feel, and promised not to do it again. But I don't trust him and its causing rows. He says men don't look at porn the way women do.

A. In general, porn is one area where the sexes separate. If you think of a secure, loving relationship - such as the one with your man - as a night out, porn is the kebab at the end of it that men find hard to resist. He says when he uses porn that it's really no threat to you. He's tried to tell you that a man's reaction to porn is different to yours. These women he is looking at will never be part of his life, he will never meet any of them, so you really have no reason to be jealous. If he is considerate and a decent man in the rest of your relationship, then his 'hobby' shouldn't threaten you. Unless the idea is utterly repellent, why not look at it with him? Some of it is quite interesting, it could turn into a sexy adventure, you could learn more about each other and what turns you both on, and it would also help you understand his viewpoint and defuse your jealousy.

Q. I've been with my boyfriend for six months and my constant 'thinking' is ruining the relationship. I wonder if he's seeing someone else, if he's right for me, if I can trust him. It makes me want to end it because I can't handle the misery. My boyfriend's patient, and doesn't want us to split up, but I just can't enjoy myself as things are.

A. What counts is what we're thinking about and where our thoughts are leading us. Your thoughts start with the bad idea, probably instilled from early on in your life, that you're not worthy of devotion and happiness. Thus, you're unable to trust a good relationship and you find yourself driven to destroy it. To be honest you're not thinking at all. You're feeling, and you're feeling bad. Do more fun things with your boyfriend, go to new places and involve yourselves in new ideas beyond your relationship. But, more importantly, do new things on your own - get busy. To fill the hours with learning, planning and real thinking leaves no time for moping.

Q. I really want to try anal sex with my man. I've never done it before but I want to explore everything with him. We have a great sex life, so I was surprised when he said he didn't think he wanted to try it. I thought all men did!

A. And now you know different! There are as many men who are completely freaked out by the idea of anal intercourse as there are women. Until recently, anal sex was a fairly taboo subject. Today its on the sex menu with its own tick box just below threesomes, sex parties and serious bondage! Who said we have to try everything on the menu anyway? Most of us stick to the things we like, with a bit of experimentation here and there to spice things up. Ask him to use his finger there first. You might find you don't like it after all. If you do and he still doesn't want to try anal sex, buy a slim vibrator and as him to use that instead. And remember, the skin inside the anus is thin and easily torn so fingers need to be clean and nails clipped. Lube is essential for comfort and don't forget hygiene - there are some things nobody wants to share.

Q. I can't make my man cum. He says its not my fault, and that he still loves sex, but I find this hard to believe. I've now gone off it completely because it feels pointless. Its like running a race without a finishing line - why bother?

A. Does cake taste any less delicious for the lack of a cherry on top? Lovers have sex for the sheer exhilarating experience of it. The finishing line is a pleasure to cross but isn't an essential ingredient - the show can go on without it. Sex is one part your orgasm, one part his and eight parts all the other good stuff. Instead of focusing on the one thing you can't control, work on the parts you can, and take the pressure off him. If he didn't fancy you, he wouldn't get hard in the first place. Making him suffer your disappointment is only going to add to his stress, which could possibly be the cause of the problem. Just be thankful that your cake comes with a cherry.

Q. Even when I'm erect, my foreskin hangs over the end of my penis. It doesn't get in the way of sex but I hate letting anyone see it in case they think I'm a freak. If a girl insists on giving me a blow job I go soft. Is it too late to be circumcised? I'm 26.

A. Adult circumcision can be performed but it is painful and can take weeks to heal. If you're adamant, you should research the procedure - try Unless you are regularly tearing the frenulum (the little piece of skin attaching the foreskin to the penis), or you can't pull back your foreskin at all, I definitely wouldn't recommend it. This is about your confidence, not your foreskin. You can safely assume that a girl who insists on going down on you wont let your foreskin get in her way. If you're really nervous, hold your penis at the base to pull the foreskin back while she's doing her thing. I know you hate the way it looks, but have a bit of faith, if no one's complaining, I doubt there's anything to complain about.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Q. I think my girlfriend's faking her orgasms. Sometimes she just makes this little noise when she's cumming and other times it's like she's in a porn movie. Her orgasm is important to me, I hate thinking it might not be real. Is there a way to tell for sure?

A. I know actually talking to the person you have sex with is a bit 'strange' but it beats kitting your bedroom out with a heart monitor, brain scanner and lie detector!! Some orgasms are more intense than others, which could explain her varying responses. But if she is faking, its probably because she's paying more attention to your need to give her an orgasm than her need to have one. This is a shared issue because you don't trust her, be straight with her and maybe she'll be straight with you. However, if you need signs, you can look for flushing of her chest and face, hardening of her nipples and breathlessness. Even an Oscar winning actress would struggle to fake those signs, but bear in mind, less intense orgasms won't necessarily produce these signs.

Q. I've been using a vibrator for years and I'm worried that I've numbed my clitoris, because I don't feel at all sensitive when my partner touches me. My friend says she never uses a vibrator because she'd heard that it ruins orgasms, is that true?

A. Bloody hell, I hope not!!! I've had it if that's the case!!! And thanks to I should be numb from the waist down!!

Actually I have heard this rumour over the past few years and here's what I think - Vibrators provide us with full control over our orgasm, which takes a few seconds to achieve and tends to be short, intense and perfectly satisfying. It might not be the best orgasm we've ever had but its right on the button every time. When we're with a lover, we're only partly in control, we keep our fingers crossed they'll do exactly the right thing at the right time, in the right place. We have to trust them and keep communicating. It tends to take longer with a lover because, without electrical vibrations, we need to be teased and cajoled into orgasm, instead of blasted there. Expect your orgasm to take 20 minutes with a partner and don't just concentrate on the clitoris. Seek out different sensations rather than comparing those experiences during sex with those you get with a vibrator. There's room for all types of orgasm, so lie back and enjoy the ride.

Q. The only man I've ever loved has gone from my life, for a second time. After losing touch years ago, we recently found each other online. We were both still madly in love, but I said I wouldn't sleep with him again, so we didn't meet, but were soon emailing and texting each other constantly. Then he said he'd leave his wife for me, only to change his mind. I feel cheated and ill with heartache. How do I get over this?

A. Emails and texts are great for exchanging information and keeping in touch, but they're words without chemistry. You are in love, but not with him - only with the memory and the idea of him. Its not a broken heart that's making you feel ill, its a bad case of wishful thinking. He had a touch of it too, but then snapped back to reality. This experience does show, however, that you're ready for love. And you'll probably find it, real, dependable love that you won't have to fight for, when you're busy doing something else.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Q. My new boyfriend is circumcised and I'm totally freaked out. I've only had two partners before and they both had foreskins. We haven't had sex yet, just a bit of groping (hence my shock discovery). I'm scared to touch him in case I get it wrong. Does it make a big difference during sex?

A. Don't panic!! Its really not a big deal. In fact, in America, you'd be hard-pressed to find a penis with a foreskin, most US docs routinely snip them off at birth. In the UK, we usually leave our boys intact unless parents request it for religious reasons. The circumcised penis can sometimes require slightly different handling to an intact one. Your boyfriend may prefer to use more lubrication than uncircumcised men when it comes to straight sex or masturbation, so invest in some condom-safe lube. With oral sex, its nicer, simpler and cleaner for you, lets just leave it at that :) During intercourse, no foreskin means more friction for both of you, which can be a good thing of course! But if that friction gets uncomfortable, again, try using a little lube.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Q. I love my boyfriend so much. We're perfect in every way, until it comes to sex. Whenever he touches me or even looks at me sexily, I cringe. I force myself to have sex with him because I feel so guilty. We talk and he tries so hard but nothing changes.

A. The Beatles sang All You Need Is Love, and everyone really wanted to believe them. In the movies, and on TV, from Hollywood to Hollyoaks, love conquers all, but no love, no matter how great, will sustain a relationship where one partner doesn't fancy the other. We all make compromises but there are some boxes our lovers have to tick and sexual attraction is one of them. You might love each other now, but if you carry on down this route, not only will you probably end up despising him, but you'll also hurt him terribly. Faking it isn't you loving him, its you not wanting to face facts. Your relationship is lopsided, you might be his lover but he's not yours, he's your soulmate/best friend. Its time to be brave. If you're honest now, in time you might find you can still become brilliant friends.

Q. I don't know what's happening - ever since the first night with my new girlfriend, I've been rubbish in the sack. I either cum really fast or can't cum at all. I've even lost my erection halfway through. I really like this girl. Why can't I get a grip?

A. Sounds like a frustrating dose of performance anxiety (PA) and despite what Rachel says to Ross in Friends, it is that common, it does happen to every guy and it isn't a big deal. The best way to cope with PA is to take a few deep breaths and remind yourself of a few things:
  1. She may have a heavenly body but she's just a girl lying in bed with a guy
  2. Be honest
  3. You're in perfect working order
  4. While your penis behaviour is a big deal for you, your tongue and fingers are just as important to her, so use them.

Q. As students, my boyfriend and I would spend days in bed together, but now we're working we're either too tired or too busy to have sex. We're rowing a lot more too. How do people have careers and relationships?

A. It's a frustrating balancing act between what you want and what you can actually have. A wealthy man once wrote a book on how to get rich. His secret? Live only to make money. When I'm not sure about my priorities, I think about my final thoughts on earth. Which would you prefer - 'I wish I'd made more money'? Or 'I wish I'd made love more'? Your relationship's clearly important to you, so treat it as something that counts. You don't have to spend days in bed to connect at an intimate level - a sexy alarm call in the morning, a quickie in the kitchen before dinner or lazy mutual masturbation last thing at night will keep you both going till Sunday, which should be a dedicated day of rest - and play!

Q. I've been seeing a woman who says she doesn't want to be in a relationship but she's happy to have casual sex. I love the sex, but if I'm honest, I want more. Why does she hold back from me?

A. Casual-sex relationships sound so cool. Two single people getting together now and then to share each other's bodies, have great orgasms and then leave to get on with wholly unconnected lives. But it's a fantasy because one almost always likes the other more, while the other is making do until something better comes along. To be honest, its usually the woman who wants more, while the man is finding excuses not to spend time with her, so this is not a usual situation. However, if she's happy to be getting her sexual needs met by you, but its only for now - don't fool yourself into thinking you can change her mind. If she says she's up for hanging out with you for a while but doesn't want more, that's almost certainly what she means. If you think you might get hurt, leave now. If you think you can detach your emotions and enjoy the sex then relish the arrangement, but keep your eyes open for someone better, just as she is doing.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Q. I recently found out that my boyfriend once had sex with a prostitute. It was years before he met me and he says he has no desire to do it again, but I'm disgusted with him. I don't understand why he needed to pay for sex - its not as if he's ugly.

A. As soon as boys hit puberty, we make them work hard for every bit of sexual attention they get. We tell them they have to be funny, charming, have money in their pockets, dress well, be strong yet gentle, and be keen but not too keen. If they obey all the rules, we might let them get to first base. Most men experience a high rejection rate that takes its toll on their egos. Prostitutes appear to offer a simple money-for-sex transaction, cutting out all the hard work, the games and the risk of rejection or ridicule. But the reality is cold, empty and meaningless, which is probably why he never repeated the experience. We all make mistakes - is your sexual history whiter than white? You should be grateful that he feels comfortable enough to tell you about it, and is an honest man, they are rare, and that is far more important than a mistake in his past that he clearly didn't want to repeat.

Q. I've bagged an incredibly good-looking man, but while the sight of him has me trembling, his bedroom performance is a real let-down. We've had sex six times but he hasn't touched me once - in fact, there's no foreplay from him at all; he just gets right down to it.

A. I don't know what's more outrageous - that he thinks he can get away with using you like his own right hand, or that you're allowing yourself to be screwed in more senses than one! You have a right to be treated as a sexual equal. If you lie there happy to be grateful for nothing, you give up the right to complain. No wonder good-looking men think they can get away with behaving badly if we're so willing to overlook things we'd never let less handsome men get away with. Show yourself more respect and you may find you start to command his!

Q. I'm rubbish at 'girl on top'. I can't get a rhythm going, my legs get tired or cramp up and I often get a shooting pain when the penis reaches the top of my vagina. Also, I get embarrassed when I'm being watched. I know men like it but I fall to pieces and feel stupid.

A. You're self-conscious and unsure - and calling yourself 'rubbish' will only make that worse. What makes you think being good on top is about having the ability to bounce up and down like a cowgirl on a bucking bronco? If you're comparing yourself to porn actresses, don't! Most of them are like muscle-bound Barbie dolls with retractable rubber limbs, whose only purpose is to please a man - they bear little resemblance to real women in terms of sexual performance. Try focusing on your pleasure rather than his - most men love this position because they get to watch you helping yourself to their bodies. If you're on top, you're in charge - move as slowly and as deeply as you want, and look into his eyes, you'll drive him wild!! If your legs start to ache then move, good sex thrives on variety, and that means positions, no position should make you ache, move around, use all the positions, and keep coming back to 'girl on top'. The variety will drive him just as wild!! :)

Q. My boyfriend and I had a fantastic sex life. He used to be dominant in bed, which I loved but the sex has gone downhill since he moved in with me. He says it's because I nag, but I nag because he's useless around the house. Its an awful situation.

A. Us girls talk about how we want tall, strong, sexy alpha males who will throw us over their shoulders and ravish us. AND we expect them to be caring metrosexual men who will vacuum without being asked. Good luck with that! Your sex life doesn't exist in a bubble away from the nagging. How's your man supposed to feel confident about mastering you in bed when he knows that you think he's useless? Living together changes relationship dynamics and it can take time to adjust. In the meantime, book a sexy weekend away in a hotel and remember why you wanted to live together in the first place! :)

Q. I love sex and I like to think I'm pretty good at it - I'm energetic, enthusiastic and extremely adventurous. So why is it that once I've slept with a guy I never see him again? I don't get it - I thought men were supposed to like uninhibited women!

A. Just like us, what men think they want and what they actually want can be worlds apart. The girl without inhibitions is in most men's top 10 sexual fantasies - she'll have sex with the light on, she walks around naked, she's not afraid to take charge, she's up for anything and she says what she wants. What's not to like? The reality is that a lot of men feel uncomfortable when they find themselves face to face with a woman as confident as you in bed - especially on a one night stand. Most men prefer to take the lead in bed initially - it makes them feel in control - and it sounds as though maybe you feel that way too. I know this is a bit 'out there' but have you tried getting to know a guy a little first? :)