Thursday, March 31, 2011

Q. I'm a 21-year-old fashion model. My mates think I'm lucky but I'd swap my looks for two more inches on my penis. I'm only four inches fully erect, and I'm still a virgin. I always hoped it would grow but it hasn't. I'll never satisfy a woman.

A. A man who relies on his penis to satisfy a woman's desire is inexperienced or unimaginative; with some it's plain arrogance. A big penis might be nice to look at but it's only one of the many tools in your kit - and when it comes to a woman's orgasm, its the fourth most important after your mind, fingers and tongue. If you can learn how to engage a woman's brain (find out what turns her on), learn how to kiss like a demon and hone your oral and finger skills, you'll be the perfect lover. This it the best sex advice I have for any man, regardless of his penis size. And just so you know, average is between 3.5 and 6 inches, so you're not that small at all.

Q. The men I've been with recently have been pushy, acting like they're porn stars! What's going on??

A. Worryingly, more women are complaining about men's aggressive sexual behaviour, especially younger men. It's the internet generation; educated about sex by porn. They see the same images over and over, and mistakenly believe that's everyday sex. Unfortunately, young women get the same misinformation and think it's what's expected of them too. Well, 99% of porn lies about sex, and bodies, and inform men that women love being treated like sex dolls. It's up to those of us who know differently to set the record straight.

Q. I'm a sex disaster area. I've snagged foreskins on my fingernails, scratched balls with my teeth, bent cocks while on top, and yesterday I headbutted my man and gave him a black eye! Does this happen to anyone else?

A. Once or twice is quite normal - these things happen in the throes of passion - but three or four times in quick succession? Your disasters read like a script for a slapstick S&M porn movie! I know men are bulky, strong and you can wrestle with them, but that rough and tumble does not extend to the bedroom where cock and balls are flying free and vulnerable. They (men and their penises) like to be handled firmly but never roughly. They need to feel confident you know what you're doing and they're safe in your hands. Be gentle with him, for crying out loud. Unlike your vibrator, when he bends in the middle it really could snap.

Q. I haven't had sex with my husband for a year. It started with him being 'too tired', then I got sick of trying. I thought we must have a really low sex drive - until I found porn on his laptop. Why would he rather masturbate over strangers?

A. You've both allowed sex to slip into a no-go area and the longer you ignore it, the more difficult it will be to confront. Talking to your partner about intimate issues like 'sex going wrong' is scary. From his point of view, given the option of facing the emotional quagmire of your absent sex life or spending five minutes wanking over a naked lady whose only demand is that he 'give it to her good' isn't that hard to understand. He's clearly found a way to distract himself from the problems you're having and he's not the only one hiding (are you telling me you've not masturbated?) If you want a real sex life with your very real man, you'll have to face up to the situation.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Q. I'm not as sexually experienced as my boyfriend and I've got no confidence. He says I'm not good on top and my oral does nothing for him. I feel I can't do anything right. Sometimes I hear him sigh and my heart sinks. How can I be better?

A. I've got warning lights flashing in front of my eyes - this guy doesn't deserve to be having sex with you. How dare he undermine your fragile confidence with his own inflated ego? As for experience, if he knew anything about sex, he'd know that the key lies in loving, trusting, mutual respect. This is bullying behaviour. Standing up to him is one option, but if that feels too hard, walking away is another. You have the right to be treated with affection and kindness. Once you have that, the sex will fall into place, I promise.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Q. My bloke always puts his pants on as soon as we've finished having sex and won't have sex anywhere other than the bedroom. Is he ashamed of his body or is he just nervous about having sex?

A. It could be either, or just habit. Have you tried talking to him about it? Gently suggest you want to enjoy cuddling him naked after sex so he doesn't reach for his pants. You could also tell him how much you'd enjoy having sex outside the bedroom - like in the shower or on the sofa. He may lack the confidence to suggest this. If he still seems unwilling then it may be a deeper issue - you might want to talk to him about his confidence generally and see if he feels help from a counsellor would benefit him.

Q. Every time I meet someone I really like, I start to lose interest once we've made love a few times and they've declared their love for me. Now I'm mad about Steve, and desperate to be with him, but I'm not sure how I'll feel if he actually returns my interest. Could my parents' divorce have anything to do with this? I'd always felt close to my dad until he remarried.

A. When parents divorce, children often think it's their fault. Of course it isn't - children don't cause divorces. But children can end up worrying about how much they're loved. This may be what happened to you. If you were close to your father for a while and then experienced him 'leaving' you a second time when he remarried, you might feel that you aren't really lovable and that you can't keep a man (first your father, now other men).

You might now be distrustful of men and find more satisfaction in making men fall in love with you than in actually entrusting yourself to a relationship. Once you've 'won' someone's affection you turn yourself off because you're afraid you'll be hurt again. If this makes sense to you, and you want to interrupt this pattern, being aware of these underlying feelings might help you to make different choices.

If you like Steve so much, tell him how you feel, tell him your fears, and explain why you feel like that. If he's the right man for you, he will reassure you and help you deal with any negative feelings you may start to experience.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Q. I'm 30 and I've been with my boyfriend for ten years. We're both in demanding careers and live at home with our parents. We're good friends but our sex life is non-existent. Two months ago I met a fantastic man who's nine years younger than me. Now I can't stop thinking about him and I'm miserable around my boyfriend. Although this man asked for my number, I didn't give it to him as he lives miles away. Now, though, I'm wondering if he could have been my way out. Have I missed my chance for a new life?

A. This new man has crystallised something that you were already subconsciously feeling; that your life with your boyfriend is not fully satisfying. The fact that you now see this man as your 'way out' suggests that you've felt paralysed by your relationship. His fleeting appearance is a chance for you to do something to change your life - whether or not he's around. You now recognise that you want a change. You have the choice of staying with your boyfriend but changing the non-sexual nature of your relationship; alternatively you can continue as friends but be open to the possibility of another relationship; or you can split up completely. Whatever you choose, try to see this as an opportunity for you to find out, not via this other man, but by your own actions.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Q. My boyfriend cheated on his ex with me and during the first year of our relationship he went back to her behind my back a few times. Things are better now, but I'm always paranoid he's cheating on me. Will I ever be able to trust him?

A. It's not paranoia, it's a pretty reasonable conclusion based on the evidence. It sounds like your boyfriend likes the best of both worlds. One moment of weakness can be just a mistake, but repeating it means that he does what he wants, simply because people will let him. You need to ask yourself whether things have only improved because it's convenient for him. If you meet all of his needs then he doesn't have to skulk off into the night to be with his ex. Ask yourself if this is really the sort of relationship you want. Do you deserve better than this and is he the man who's going to give it to you? Do you want a fair-weather boyfriend or a mature partner who will stick with you when the times get tough? Don't settle for second best.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Q. Help! I never seem to be in the mood for sex, no matter what my boyfriend does to turn me on. Is there something wrong with me?

A. No, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. The traditional male-centred view of sex is straight forward: desire is followed by sexual arousal, then sexual excitement, then climax. If only it were that simple for women! Recent studies suggest that some sexual response cycles, especially women's, seem to be more complex and circuitous than we originally thought. Rather than sexual desire, the cycle may start with an emotional desire (to be loved, for example, or found attractive). Then distracting thoughts, like a work deadline, annoyance over a partner failing to do the laundry or feelings of unattractiveness can inhibit arousal and climax.

So rather than telling yourself to 'get in the mood', it might be better to just do it and focus on the physical sensations or activities that make you feel sexy. It goes without saying that you should never do anything you don't want to. But most of the time it's not that we don't want to, it's that we're too tired, stressed or annoyed - so just doing it can get you over that hump, as it were. (It's like working out - the hardest part is getting yourself to the gym, but once you're there, you're glad you went.) Plus, the more sex you have, the more you want, because sex increases your testosterone levels, which actually increases your desire.

Take it from Yesgirl - we should all say yes to more things, but never be forced or coerced into doing something you feel uncomfortable about.

Q. How can I give him a hand job as good as one he gives himself?

A. Sure, he's been doing it himself since he was a teenager and knows what he likes better than anyone but that's no excuse not to bother. Besides, I'm guessing that if he had to choose between a self-administered hand job and one from you, he'd choose your helping hand every time.

For him, the foundation of manual sex is the essential up-and-down technique. Think of it as creating a 'virtual vagina' with your hand. Grip his erect shaft in your strongest, well-lubed hand. Move your hand up and down the shaft in a fluid motion, never losing contact with it completely, and closing your grip as your top fingers pass the head. At first, work the entire length fairly slowly. Closer to orgasm, he may prefer you to focus on the top half, while picking up speed (when in doubt, just ask!) Start off with a light grip, then slowly increase firmness. Always keep the movement steady rather than jerky. You can add a slight back-and-forth twisting motion as you go up and down - you shouldn't be pulling the skin, just letting your light grip move smoothly over him. Later, get your other hand in on the action by alternating moves with each hand.

Don't be afraid to set up shop between his legs - that way, you'll have a lot of freedom to use both hands in a variety of positions. Plus, you get the scenic view, which includes his 'unit' (you can watch what you're doing and look for tell-tale signs of an impending orgasm, like his testicles pulling up into his body) and his face (great for reading facial expressions and making sexy eye contact). You can also kneel beside him, though in this position access to the penis's sensitive underside ridge will be limited. If you want to try another angle of approach, it's better - and dirtier - to kneel over his chest, especially if he's a 'bottom man', as he'll see you in all your glory. Now that's something he can't do himself!

Q. I've been with my partner for five years but we haven't been intimate for the last two, as he's never in the mood. It's making me question whether I want to be with him. A bloke I know wants us to be sex buddies and it's tempting. What should I do?

A. Sex in relationships often dwindles to a fraction of what it was when you first met. So when everyday life gets in the way of sex, it does take a bit of commitment to keep things going. Tell him how you feel and ask how he thinks you should both deal with it. He may be suffering from depression, so consider what pressures he's under and what help he could get. However, if he's OK, it could be that you're together out of habit. A sex buddy would only cover a problem that runs deep and may end up getting very complicated. It could be time to make decisions about this relationship and look for a permanent solution that could mean going your separate ways. But start with a chat, and you can go from there.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Q. I find blow jobs degrading, and I don't like putting my man's penis in my mouth. But I need to find a way to enjoy it, as whenever I hear the subject crop up, I feel depressed.

A. Why do you need to find a way to enjoy it? If it doesn't appeal to you, then you don't have to do it. Although we hear a lot about blow jobs and how great they are, it isn't something that appeals to everyone. It's OK to tell a partner that blow jobs don't turn you on. If this is distressing you, or you feel there are other reasons for feeling this way, ask your GP to refer you to a psychosexual therapist. Don't force yourself to give blow jobs if you don't enjoy them. Some women find with time and a respectful partner, they can enjoy kissing, licking or sucking a penis, but you should only try this if the idea has started to appeal to you. If it hasn't, stay as you are.

Q. Whenever me and my boyfriend have a heated sex session, he can be a bit rough when he's touching my clitoris. How do I tell him he's pressing too hard without ruining the mood or hurting his feelings?

A. He'll want to know he's turning you on, and it would probably hurt his feelings more to know you've been putting up with discomfort when he thought he was getting you off. When he touches you in ways you like, tell him it feels good and make encouraging noises. If he becomes too rough, it's fine to say 'I like it a little bit softer'. He should get the message, but if not, show him yourself how you like to be touched or, at a time when you're not having sex, explain that sometimes it gets a bit rough in the heat of the moment, which can be uncomfortable. Again, that should help him realise he needs to adapt his technique to suit your needs.