Thursday, January 28, 2010

Q. A month ago, I met a soldier on leave. We only had time for two fantastic dates before he had to go back. We've been having 'text sex' ever since, which has been amazing, but he's on leave again soon and I'm terrified I won't live up to the things I said in my texts.

A. If he isn't at least as scared as you I'll eat my agony aunt's hat! Texting can be both great and terrible in equal measures. While it gives us the courage to say things we wouldn't otherwise dare to, it can also leave us feeling really exposed if we get carried away and end up revealing too much. Sex texting is fantastic foreplay, precisely because it builds anticipation, but a months worth of sexy suggestions could easily build up overwhelmingly high expectations for you both. Take a deep breath and remember that, despite what you've shared by text, your first time together is still to come and that is always a nervous time, regardless of what has been said. If you can talk about things freely on text, chances are you will talk about things freely once that first time is out of the way, that's when the fun really starts! :) When you see him, giggle - it'll release the tension and give him permission to laugh too.

Q. Last year, I met a guy who introduced me to a whole new world of sex - he'd give me sexy orders, tie me up and even spank me. He was in charge and I loved it. Now I'm with a new man who's lovely, but he's too gentle in bed. I want that naughty element back, but how do I get it?

A. The key word here is 'introduced' - you didn't know what you liked until somebody invited you to try something new. Men have heard a rumour that women want them to be romantic and sensitive, loving and considerate...... which is true in general, but in the bedroom a lot of women want a caveman! If we don't set the record straight and fill the gaps in their knowledge, we've got no one to blame but ourselves for sub-standard sex. Watch the film Secretary together and look at him meaningfully during the sexy scenes - if that doesn't work, whisper your fantasies in his ear in the dark. If you happen to be holding his penis at the time, you can be sure he'll be listening to you - very, very carefully!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Q. Sex with my husband is a sprint - right from the off he's fast and furious. Its flattering but I need time to get into it. Normally, I'm just warming up when its all over for him. I'm scared to say anything in case I put him off.

A. Put him off what?? Wanting to have sex with you? Unlikely!! Listen closely - men love instructions. One of the things that drives blokes nuts about us is that we won't just tell them what we want. I'm a girl so I get it - it's the 'If you really loved me, you'd know what I needed' school of thought (jeez we give them enough hints!!). I hate to say it, but the boys are right - it's not their job to guess our needs. Take responsibility for them yourself. Next time you're ready to have sex, tell him it's your turn to take the lead. Play chilled-out tunes and keep everything slow and sensual; if he's not used to this it'll be a sensation thrill. Give clear and sexy commands, like, 'Slower.... gently,' and be sure to let him know when he gets it right. If you have the courage, tie his hands so he can't rush anything. Take your time to make him orgasm, slowly, sensually touching him, getting him to the point of cumming and stopping, taking him back down. He will realise that a long, lingering build up will bring him, and you, much bigger orgasms. Stop worrying that he won't like you speaking up, he will!

Friday, January 8, 2010

Q. My boyfriend can't find my G-spot. Is it real, do we all have one and how can I point him in the right direction?

If you have one (and I mean if, that's a big if), it's 2.5cm to 5cm (1in to 2in) inside the vagina on the front wall. You should be able to feel it with your finger. If you're not sexually aroused it may be no bigger than a pea; once you're aroused it increases to the size of a 2p piece.

It's actually more a of a zone than a spot. If you want to explore and find out whether you have one, feel for an area that's rough, a bit like a walnut, rather than smooth and silky like the rest of the vaginal wall.

The what spot?

  • Originally known as the Grafenberg Spot, the G-Spot was named after the gynaecologist Ernst Gräfenberg, who first described it in 1944.
  • Practitioners of tantric sex have been talking about this 'sacred spot' for over 1,000 years.

What is it?

For many women, it's a highly sensitive, highly erotic area that provides hours of pleasure. For others it's a knobbly bit that, when touched too much, creates an overwhelming sensation of needing a wee. Some women can't feel any sensation at all while others don't seem to have one at all.

There are a number of different theories about what the G-spot or area actually is. One view is that it is an area of prostatic tissue similar to the male prostate. The absence of the Y chromosome in the developing female fetus deposits the cells in a similar location and voila - the G-spot. Complete with a similar type of sensitivity to the male prostate

Another expert agrees with the prostate theory but expands it to say that this is not the only reason for sensitivity. He points to the clitoris and the urethra as other sources of pleasure, both of which can be stimulated via the front wall of the vagina. Therefore there are a number of erogenous zones and we should stop seeking the elusive g-spot and instead rename it the ‘anterior wall erogenous complex’ - catchy!

A further expert who was first responsible for publicising the G-spot has recently discovered another use. In research she has shown that stimulation of the G-spot area can increase pain threshold by up to 47%. If the stimulation is arousing, the pain threshold increases by up to 84% and a massive 107% on orgasm. Her hypothesis is that this sensitive and erogenous area is one of natures natural painkillers for childbirth.

So there you go. Basically, we still don’t know for sure - but the important thing is to find out what you’ve got and what you like.

What to do with it

Once you've established whether you've got one or not, you need to discover whether you have one that gives you pleasure or just feels a bit annoying. Stroking is usually the most enjoyable form of stimulation.

Sexual virtuosos recommend inserting the forefinger to about the second knuckle and making a 'come here' motion towards the front vaginal wall. You'll need to experiment with pressure and length of stroke to find out what feels best for you. It's important that you're sexually aroused first, and also worth noting that many women say sensitivity varies throughout the month.

During stimulation, the first sensation might be the need to go to the loo, possibly because the G-spot is on the front wall so your bladder is being pushed. You can check this out by making sure your bladder's empty first then seeing how it feels. The first couple of times it might be a bit odd, but many women say a little perseverance is more than worth it.

Feeling it during intercourse

Depending on the size and exact location of your G-spot, you may or may not be able to feel stimulation during intercourse. You're most likely to feel something if you have your pelvis raised.

Another popular position is to be on all fours or bending over from a standing position and allowing penetration from behind. You'll need to experiment.

Female ejaculation

Some women say they ejaculate when their G-spot is stimulated. Research has shown that approximately 10 per cent of women expel between 9ml and 900 ml of fluid from the urethra during arousal and orgasm. A group of scientists examined some of this ejaculatory fluid and discovered prostatic enzymes, fuelling the theory that the G-spot is the equivalent of the male prostate.

However, another group of scientists examined the fluid and said it was very similar to urine. Latest thoughts are that the fluid is an altered form of urine that changes in chemical composition due to sexual arousal. The research continues.

A final word on the subject

Remember, we're all unique. You may have a sensitive G-spot or you may not. If you want to explore, do it light-heartedly. Don't turn it into the Holy Grail; there are many, many ways to enjoy your sexuality, and the G-spot is just one of them.