Sunday, October 31, 2010

Q. Why can't my boyfriend remember the way I like to be touched in bed? It's like Groundhog Day. When I tell him, he does it right, but the next time he's forgotten!

A. Bravo to you for taking the time to give him the low-down on the what, where and how of your body. Clear, open and honest communication is definitely the key to fantastic sex, but there's more to it than offering a few mechanical pointers. If it were that simple, we'd all be handing our new lovers a 'Guide to Giving Me the Perfect Orgasm Every Time' (sounds lovely doesn't it?). Instead of acting like a frustrated teacher with an unwilling pupil, try talking to him like a grown-up. Tell him how it makes you feel when he constantly forgets what you like and has to be told what to do again and again. Be clear that these are things you want every time. He might be assuming that the reason you're always giving him blow-by-blow instructions on what to do next is because you're getting off on giving commands.

Q. My boyfriend can't ejaculate during sex. It's always the same - we have sex for ages, he doesn't climax, and then has to pleasure himself to orgasm, leaving me feeling sore and useless. Is there something wrong?

A. It can take time to learn how to orgasm with another person. Masturbation comes naturally to most but a sexual relationship can take years of experience to perfect and hone. Everyone has insecurities but sometimes they end up forming very unsexy habitual thoughts which act as 'orgasm blockers'. I'm taking too long. She's bored. Should I fake it? Is his jaw aching? Is she getting sore? The only sure way to get past them is to check the truth out with your partner, but until you're brave enough, stick to things that work to build your (and his) confidence. Allowing yourself to be used like a poor second to his own right hand isn't helping either of you. For now, you can be part of his orgasm by gently massaging (or licking) his testicles while he works on himself.

Q. My boyfriend prefers porn to me. He looks at it every day (I check his computer) but when it comes to having sex with me, he's 'too tired'. The porn actresses are thinner and prettier than me. How am I supposed to compete?

A. Porn actors are like cartoon characters - they're not seen as real. He's as likely to compare them to you as he is you to Jessica Rabbit. The images are purely functional - they tickle the bits of our brain that fuel sexual desire. Porn isn't sex, it's masturbation. And, to put it bluntly, if you think he prefers his own right hand to your womanly flesh, what are you doing there? Sneaking around his private data won't help you feel more secure. Ask him if everything's OK because you noticed a dip in his libido. Try having sex early evenings or mornings when he's not tired. And stop snooping. How would you feel if he found a way to read your mind and your fantasies? If you can't talk to him or trust him, what's your relationship made of?

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Q. My boyfriend's been working in the middle east for the past two months. We talk on the phone and write, but it doesn't feel the same. I met someone a week ago - we're now sleeping together and I'm developing feelings for him. This wouldn't have happened if my boyfriend had stayed in the UK - I felt lonely without him.

A. Of course you felt lonely - but what you were missing was someone to touch you and make you feel gorgeous. Phone conversations cannot warm the empty space when lovers are apart - only faith and love make distance bearable. Please stop blaming your boyfriend for leaving. Next, stop using your new man as a smoke-screen to hide disappointment. A long separation is a test of love's strength and your love failed to go the distance, so tell your faraway boyfriend that he is free - and then so are you. Why even mention the new guy? Before making any more choices, you need to reassess what you want in life.

Q. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years, but I have trust issues. I asked to see his mobile one day and he refused 'on principle'. The reason I asked was a text I saw on it, from a girl. I know it was wrong but I checked his phone the next day and he'd deleted all his texts. Is he hiding something? My friends think yes!

A. Trust in love has always been an edgy issue. And there are so many ways for trust to be tested in a world where men and women work and socialise together every day. Technology provides us with ways to communicate that are impulsive and hard to hide from snoops. And snoops don't just read other people's messages, they read into them. So, is he hiding something? Maybe. Or maybe not. But continue to suspect he is hiding something and he soon will be. Lack of trust is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you're not going to be trusted, why bother being trustworthy? And please don't talk to your friends - talk to him. And I mean talk. Not cry, interrogate or rage. Give him chance to put your mind at rest.

Q. I've been single for three years. A year ago, I started having cyber-sex with people in chat rooms. I love it because, in real life, I'm shy in bed and can't ask for what I want - online I feel like a goddess. How can I be that person in the real world too?

A. Your online personality isn't necessarily different from your real-life personality - if you're a goddess online, you're a goddess in real-life too. Think of your year in chat rooms as time spent studying your sexuality - you've learnt how to describe your needs in detail and now you have an honours degree in sexual confidence. The next step is to take your new found skills and put them into practice - with a real lover. You're now three years older and more experienced than the last time you were in a relationship - so don't judge the woman you have become by the girl that you were. Get out there, take it slow and let the goddess emerge.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Q. My new boyfriend can't stay hard. He lost his erection with the first girl he slept with and she told everyone - his nickname's been 'Softie' ever since. He says it's psychological and it usually gets better over time, but how can I be sure?

A. You have to take his word for it. The betrayal must have been very humiliating for him and he's probably embarrassed when he has to relive it with a new lover. He's being honest with you about an old mental scar he's still struggling with and he's given you no reason to doubt him. He trusts you, so trust him in return and be patient. In the meantime, you can build intimacy by taking intercourse off the agenda altogether, so you don't have sex until you really know one another. I don't mean to sound like everyone's mum, but it really is the best way.

Q. I can't believe that I'm complaining about this - my girlfriend treats me like a sex toy. She's obsessed with my penis, which would be great if I felt like she was interested in the rest of me. She never looks at me during sex and won't let me go down on her. I like her so much - I want to understand.

A. It's either that you turn her on, but she doesn't fancy you, so she's using you until someone better comes along, or she really likes you - and wants to please you - but is shy and finds it easier to focus on your penis than meet your eye under such intimate circumstances. If it's the first one, she probably never refers to you as 'her boyfriend' or makes plans with you further than next Friday; you haven't met her friends or family; and she prefers shagging to talking and rarely touches you out of the bedroom. But if its the second, she'll have found lots of ways to show you she cares and may just need a bit more time to build her confidence in the bedroom. Deep down you know which one it is.

Q. I can only have sex doggy-style or I lose my erection. I want to be able to do it in different positions but I get really self-conscious when I know they're looking at me - even if my eyes are closed. I don't get it, as I'm not usually shy.

A. This isn't about shyness - its about intimacy and its a common problem. When men imagine women in sexual terms, they tend to separate her being from her body. Younger men's sexual fantasies rarely include a girls personality! When you meet a woman's eyes in bed, you're confronted by her 'being' and it confuses you, as meeting her gaze forces you to remember that she's a person as well as a great piece of ass! This will change when you have sex with someone you care about. Forming a relationship with a woman's mind as well as her body will open up sexual possibilities that, right now, you can't even imagine.

Q. My partner has asked me to marry him, but I feel so guilty. Three years ago I had an affair I never told him about. Is it unfair to keep this from him? Should I own up before we get married or pretend it never happened?

A. This is one of those situations with no straight forward answer - you could lose out whatever you decide to do. The thing is that secrets are unhealthy in relationships, and no matter how tempting it may be not to tell, be careful that the secret you keep doesn't create distance between you. If you decide to confess, be prepared for things to be difficult - your partner will feel angry, betrayed and disillusioned. You'll have to work hard to earn his trust again. Relationships can survive adultery and even grow stronger because of it. By deciding when to tell him, you're at least likely to feel more in control. Plan what you're going to say and make sure your apology is sincere. Try to explain why you cheated and why you'll never do it again. Ask him what he needs you to do to begin making things right. Then try to work together to heal your relationship. But remember - it may be something he can't forgive, no matter how long ago it happened.

Q. My girlfriend's put on weight and become so paranoid. If I don't want sex, she interrogates me about whether I still fancy her. It's not her weight that puts me off, it's her insecurity. If she feels bad why doesn't she just lose weight?

A. Because she feels bad!! It's hard to take control of your life when your self-esteem's on the floor. She's stopped liking herself and expects you to stop liking her too. She keeps asking because she can't believe you still fancy her - as she feels so unfanciable. Many women can't feel sexy when they're fat. Tell her you know the weight is making her unhappy, although it doesn't worry you, and ask her how you can support her getting back to a size she'd be happy with. Although it's not your 'job' to keep her spirits up when she's low, you should do it out of love and hope that she's there for you when you need her.

Q. My boyfriend can't penetrate me. He's really patient but no amount of lube or foreplay makes a difference. Last time he tried, my vagina tore at the entrance, and I bled. Sex never ends with orgasm or enjoyment, just pain and tears. I'm scared I'll be a virgin for the rest of my life.

A. First of all, you need to stop trying until you find out what's wrong. There is a condition called vaginismus where the muscles of the vagina (pelvic floor) clamp down and lock shut. It's typically found in women with little or no sexual experience (although it can also be a response to trauma too). Muscle tension is a response to fear - it's a vicious, worsening cycle; you tense up because you expect it to hurt and, when it does, the pain reinforces your fears and increases the tension. There is treatment and help available - but you must see your GP. Don't self diagnose or take my word for it. Google it for more information.

Q. My girlfriend used to want sex all the time but now she won't even let me cuddle her. When I try asking her what's going on, she says I'm pestering her. I've tried everything from candles to massage. It's making me really insecure. Is it sex she's gone off - or me?

A. Your insecurity is drawing you into a very unattractive behaviour pattern that is almost certainly making a bad situation worse. Your 'trying everything' doesn't seem to have included giving her any space to work this thing out for herself - it might be about you and then it might not, but either way, putting pressure on her to sort it out isn't going to charge her libido up anytime soon. There's nothing less sexy than a whiny puppy begging for attention. Make a decision to let her come to you when she's ready and get on with your life so she can see you as the independent, confident, outgoing bloke she fell for in the first place. If she doesn't come back, you can reassess your options like an adult who has choices.

Q. My new boyfriend told me he used to have simultaneous orgasms with his previous girlfriend. I enjoy sex but I don't have enough feeling in my vagina to make me climax that way. How can I improve my sensitivity?

A. Every inch of the labia, vulva and clitoris is filled with a gazillion tingly nerve endings - enough to achieve bone-shaking orgasms. A sensitivity that does need improving is your man's! Any guy who thinks he's having regular simultaneous orgasms through intercourse alone is more likely to be the victim of a faker. Just like his penis, your sex tool (your clitoris) requires stimulation, care and attention. If he wants simultaneous orgasms, he'll have to brush up on his other skills, and he needs to shut up about her!!

Q. I've always liked this man but he got married three years ago and I was happy to just be friends. Then out of the blue he texted to say he wasn't happy, so we met up and he told me he'd strayed a few times. I told him he should make his marriage work for his children's sake but later I received another text saying it was me he really wanted to be with. I really like him too, but I doubt I could live with splitting him and his wife up. Can we still be friends?

A. He needs someone to share the trauma of his rocky marriage with and he's picked you. Your instincts are right - you're not made to be the other woman; you want to be the only woman. So, can you still be friends? No. He's too needy right now for the sharing and balance of a good friendship. He alone must first solve his problem with the only other people concerned: his wife and kids. So back away and be there only if or when he takes it upon himself to become a free agent. But a small word of caution. He may tell you he's free to get what he wants and needs, be sure he is definitely free before you believe him and go any further.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Q. I love sex but I can't orgasm with a man. I get all fired up but start to think he's bored or tired. Sometimes I go into the bathroom after sex and masturbate without him knowing because I'm just desperate to cum. That's not normal is it?

A. I'd never receive a question like this from a man because men feel entitled to their orgasms, whereas we feel we have to be grateful for ours! Stop making their issues your problem. If the man you're with is bored, stop sleeping with him. If he's tired, let him swap arms or alternate his tongue and fingers. Repeat after me, 'I have a right to an orgasm, no matter how long it takes'. Tip: always cum first - chemicals released in a man's brain after he cums makes him sleepy. Also remember there's nothing sexier for him than watching you cum; otherwise he wouldn't bother.

Q. My husband's so boring in bed. If I try talking dirty, he tells me to be quiet. If I put on lingerie, he takes it off straight away. He sulked for weeks when I suggested bringing a vibrator to bed. Seriously - I love him but what's his problem?

A. Banter, knickers and toys..... what's next? Naked hiking? Riding crop and stiff britches? Sex play can be deeper intimacy between lovers, but it can also be a way to avoid the simple closeness of being one on one. Maybe he's satisfied with just you and is hurt that you don't feel the same? Is it just the sex you're bored with or is there more to it? Talk to him - away from the bedroom. Go for a walk (men find it easier to talk side by side) and find out if he's really happy as things are. Be honest about your needs, but be gentle - calling him boring in bed is more likely to make him crawl under the duvet than inspire him to be the lover of your dreams.

Q. I've just ended a painful relationship and want to have some easy-going, no-strings-attached sex. I've always thought guys were up for one-night stands but when I suggest it, I don't see them for dust. What's going on?

A. If you want to know why men are unwilling to take you up on your offer, put yourself in their shoes. Imagine a guy saying to you 'Hi, fancy a shag? No - don't bother with your name, I'm only interested in sex'. Wouldn't you turn on your heels too? Men may seem like aliens at times but they're only human - almost just like us!

You're confusing your fantasy with reality. It's insulting to be wanted only for sex, whatever the gender. I don't mean to be a party-pooper but I suspect this has more to do with your painful ex-relationship than a search for fun. Do yourself a favour and take some time out to heal from the last fall before you get back on the horse.

Q. My good friend is in a great relationship but whenever she has a few drinks, she flirts with every guy in sight - including my boyfriend and my other friends' men - and we're all getting sick of it. It's not that we don't trust our boyfriends; it just gets on our nerves. I don't like confrontation, so how can I tell her I'm annoyed without her thinking that I'm worried my man fancies her?

A. For a start, don't regard a talk with her about this problem as confrontation. It will be far easier to persuade her if you first persuade yourself that you're actually doing her a favour. Tell her that by coming onto every guy she meets, she's in danger of making herself a laughing stock - or picking a guy who will take her come-on too seriously. If you stay calm and speak like the affectionate friend you are, the next time she drinks too much and hits on a man inappropriately, all you'll have to do is raise your eyebrows or whisper 'He's not your type.....' Should she get defensive and say you're jealous, just smile, sigh and shake your head, so that she can see you knew she'd say that. And you did, didn't you?

Q. How do I give him a hand job that's 10 times better than the one he could give himself?

A. I'm going to let you in on a little secret: the difference between a good hand job and the best ever has nothing to do with your hand technique. In fact, it is true that nothing you do with your hand is going to be 'better' than what your guy can do with his (in general, a steady, rhythmic pressure feels amazing, with your hand rotating down his shaft in a corkscrew motion). Instead, the key is to add sensations that he can't experience on his own.

As you're touching him, let your breasts teasingly brush against his lower abs or balls, stroke his inner thighs with your other hand. You can also treat him to dirty talk, like telling him what you love about his cock, or detailing what you want him to do to you once you're done. If you're ambidextrous, try pleasing yourself while you're stimulating him. More than likely, he's fantasised about watching that erotic display during his solo action, so having you bring it to life will be unforgettable.