Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Q. I've never been that turned on by breast stimulation. How can I get more pleasure?

A. First of all, every woman is different. It's possible that chest action just doesn't do it for you, and that's totally normal. But if you want to amp up the sensation, try experimenting with different temperatures. You've no doubt noticed how your nipples become erect when it's chilly (that's due to small muscle contractions around your breasts - the same kind that cause goose bumps). Playing with cold temps, like having your guy use an ice cube to trace teasing circles around your nipples and along the sides of your breasts, can heighten sensitivity and increase your pleasure as a result.

Heat is also a titillation booster, since it brings more blood to the surface of the skin, making it more tender to the touch (in a really good way). To take advantage, ask your guy to alternate between licking your nipples and blowing on them with his warm breath.

Q. I want to have sex in the toilets of a restaurant, but my guy is a big germaphobe and total clean freak. Is it really that unsanitary? And what's the best position for getting it on in such a small space?

A. Well, it's not exactly clean. You could pick up germs that would put you at risk for catching things like a cold or flu, but it's not any riskier than using the bathroom like you would normally. The key is keeping your clothes on to minimise contact with bacteria. And since this is a quickie, staying dressed only adds to the hotness.

As for what position to try, standing up doggie-style is easiest, given what little room you have to move. Face away from your partner, palms placed against the stall wall for stability, as he enters you from behind. If you want more leverage, you could try propping up one foot or knee on the toilet seat to help you thrust back onto him. And luckily for your germaphobic boyfriend, this position allows him to keep his hands on your body - and nothing else.

Q. I keep losing my erection when I'm with a girl. It starts off OK and then.... it just dies. It got so bad with my ex that I dumped her out of embarrassment. Now I've met an amazing woman and I'm terrified it's going to happen all over again.

A. The key is that you are 'terrified'. Fear has a strong impact on our minds and bodies. We enter fight or flight - the choice we have to make when faced with danger. Our breathing shallows (to encourage adrenalin release) and we want to empty our bowels, bladder and stomach (to reduce the weight we carry). The last thing you need when frightened is sex so you lose your hard-on. Take deep breaths and try to relax. If she rejects you, you'll survive to live another day, but if she's as amazing as you hope, she'll be happy to go at your pace. And if you feel brave enough, explain the situation to her. You will be surprised at how understanding she will be. And I'm pretty sure she will want to try extra hard to make sure you stay extra hard!

Q. My new boyfriend recently suggested we go sex shopping together - at the supermarket. It's not that I'm unadventurous, but apart from watching Mickey Rourke smearing cream over Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 weeks, I've no experience of mixing food and sex. Is it safe?

A. Well that depends on what you're planning! The rule is, never put anything in your vagina, you wouldn't put into your mouth. But that doesn't mean everything you put in your mouth is OK! Don't put anything inside you that could snap off (bananas = bad). If you're unsure, put a condom over it. It's best to use foods that spread on the surface of the body and can be licked off (chocolate, honey, ice cream, yogurt, etc). Avoid getting any of these inside you though, because the acid/alkaline balance of the vagina can be upset very easily and a dose of thrush is no one's idea of dessert. However, so long as the yogurt is natural and unflavoured it can always help if you already have thrush setting in.

Q. Six months ago, I agreed to a threesome and my husband hired an escort girl to come to our flat. I've regretted it ever since. My paranoia's eating me alive; he seemed to enjoy sex so much more with her that I keep thinking he's seeing her. I can't cope. What's wrong with me?

A. Nothing! Threesomes are an emotional minefield that even the most self-assured couples struggle to navigate, so stop beating yourself up. Watching your lover writhing naked with someone else is bound to hurt. The question is, how do you get past that? Something I regularly hear from couples trying to survive a threesome is that it feels like one of them has had an affair that the other can't forgive. No one meant to hurt anybody, so be gentle with each other. Talk and listen until you both feel understood. If that's too hard, see a relationship counsellor. The goal is either forgive and move on or just move on, but is it really worth throwing away your relationship over a couple of hours?

Q. I've recently started dating a new man. Our sex life is a little 'unsatisfying' to say the least. He is a heavy drinker, he needs a tumbler of Jack Daniels to help him sleep and every time I visit his home he is already drunk. When he is sober, which is rare, he is a very nice man but the drinking is now becoming an issue.

This is not my main problem though. He is a biker, he loves his bike and has a male friend he spends a lot of time with. His friend is a drinker too, and I have no issue with him having a drinking buddy, he even stays over a few nights a week, when I'm not there. Rumours have filtered back to me, via a few mutual friends, that he does more than ride bikes and share a pint with his friend.

I'm wondering if he is, in fact, bi-sexual and that is why the sex between us is not great. He has a problem maintaining his erection, and I assumed it was the drink, but there is a possibility that it is his sexuality instead. Am I wrong to worry and jump to conclusions? How can I know if he is bi or not?

A. The only way I can suggest you know for sure is by asking him outright, but chances are, if he is using you as cover for his preferences, he will deny it anyway. I dated a bi-sexual man, and I didn't know about it until I confronted him several weeks into the relationship. I noticed a few things that may help you.

He could manage an erection initially but lost it when he entered me. He would then encourage me to perform oral sex on him and his erection would return. I did notice his eyes would be closed during the blow job though. Now I knew my orals skills were good but I didn't think they were better than full sex.

I also became concerned that he was overly keen on anal sex and suggested it repeatedly. There are only so many times you can say no to something before it becomes a chore. He would struggle maintaining an erection in any position other than doggy and this was yet another reason to question his preferences.

I thoroughly enjoyed our time together, and if he had been openly bi I wouldn't have objected, and could even have encouraged him to experiment more, but his hiding made me mistrust him and once the trust was gone, everything else had gone.

Have a close look at your relationship and decide if you want to ignore this problem, but coupled with his lack of consideration for you, and his drinking problem, it seems it could end up being a relationship that makes you frown more than it makes you smile.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Q. My boyfriend is cheating on me via the internet. I checked his chat logs and can see he has cyber-sex with other girls. They show each other their private parts. He also denies to them that he has a girlfriend. The whole thing is breaking my heart. What can I do?

A. Men treat online sex as sideline sex - of no real threat to their relationship. However, his chat logs are not like the hard-copy porn-stash of olden times that partners could even share for a turn-on. Games like this involve one-on-ones with real - if unknown - women. Cyber-sex cheating is a new problem, needing new solutions. You can write your boyfriend off, escape and give your heart time to mend. Or, if you think he's worth it, confront him coolly and tell him that the games stop or you leave. Mean it, or it won't work. Or, and this is for the bold ones amongst us, you can liven up your sex life by being the woman he has cyber-sex with. If you don't live together, get yourself a web-cam, and start playing along. See if it re-ignites your passion for each other, then carry it on in the bedroom in person. If he's been doing it with strangers just for the novelty, then let that novelty be the new, improved, exciting girlfriend he loves. Eliminate the competition!

Q. I've been single now for two years, after a four-year relationship. He ended it and broke my heart. I've tried online dating, I joined a gym, I go to college and I work full-time. I've been on countless dates but can't find Mr Right. What more can I do to meet guys?

A. When looking for Mr Right, what you don't do is as important as what you do. Don't appear desperate, as this may suggest you've recently been dumped, and a new guy will wonder why. Look interested but not over-eager - that means be genuinely interested in him as an individual, not as a candidate to fill a space. Don't think about whether he's fancying you; that's his problem. Also, remember, we're never more glowing than when doing something we enjoy. So, yes, go to the gym, and college, but do them because you love doing them, not to meet Mr Right, who often turns up when least expected.

Q. I've never made a girl orgasm with my fingers. I can hit the spot with my tongue fine, but I can't find a manual technique that works. My girlfriend's too shy to show me, so I thought I'd ask you!

A. Lots of men are all thumbs when it comes to getting handy with lady parts. It's tricky when you consider no two women are built alike, but there are rules. Be gentle (unless she asks you not to be) - clumsiness will turn her off. If she's not turned on (wet) enough, lick your fingers (or use lube) until she is. Does she prefer small circles round her clitoris, or directly on it? Find out by trying, resting your hand on her pubic bone for support. Her orgasm may take longer but stay involved - if she feels you're committed to taking her all the way she'll let you.

Q. I only orgasm when I'm on top, but my new man won't believe me and keeps trying to make me cum in other positions. I don't want to fake it. What am I doing wrong?

  1. You can orgasm during intercourse (two thirds of women can't).
  2. You've communicated your needs.
  3. You've been true to yourself by not faking.
Tick! Tick! Tick! Your only wrong turn is seeing his expectation as your responsibility - it's not. Men love a challenge. When you said "I can only cum on top", he heard, "No man has made me orgasm any other way". Cue Superman to the rescue. Remind him that your orgasm is about your pleasure, not his pride, and while you'll happily go through the Kama Sutra with him, when it's time for you to sing, it'll be from on top!

Q. My first boyfriend was much older (I'm 20), and incredible in bed (I'd orgasm every time we had sex). Since then, I've slept with a few guys my own age and they were terrible! Are younger men bad in bed or have I just been unlucky?

A. Stop bashing those poor young bucks! Remember that you too were once an inexperienced lover and, quite likely, also a bit crap in the sack - until your sexy older man treated you to his skills and patiently taught you how to respond in kind. So now, O Wise One, it's time to pass on The Knowledge and unlock a few sexual potentials of your own. What younger men lack in skill they often make up for in enthusiasm. What's that saying about old dogs and new tricks? Well pups live to learn - teach them what makes you tick, lie back and let them make you purr.

Q. My boyfriend masturbates all the time. He denies it but I keep finding his nasty tissues. He knows it upsets me, so why won't he stop? I have sex with him every day.

A. Some of us masturbate because it's nice. Some do it to top up an unsatisfying sex life. But a small selection use it as a distraction from uncomfortable feelings, and it's this group your man belongs to. During orgasm, our brain releases mood-altering chemicals, which some find addictive. Sex addicts live in secrecy and shame. Masturbation is a compulsion over which they have no power and receive no pleasure. This isn't about you and he may need help. For more info see