Saturday, March 31, 2012

Q.   I'm 19 and have yet to have sex.  I've never had a boyfriend, but I don't want to sleep with just anyone.  Whenever I tell people I'm still a virgin, they're shocked.  It's making me embarrassed and I feel pressured into having sex.  Should I get it over with, or wait?

A.   Why are you so embarrassed?  Being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of and 19 is not old at all!  If you're dating someone, you don't need to bring it up.  If you do and he makes you feel awkward or ashamed, then you shouldn't be dating him anyway.  If you sleep with someone just for the sake of it, then you'll get a name for yourself because of that - and not a good one.  People I know lost their virginity really young and it wasn't cool or sexy.  You should be proud that you haven't just jumped into bed with the first guy who came along.  Decent blokes won't care if you're a virgin, and you shouldn't be dating blokes who aren't decent.

Q.   A few months ago, I kissed a close friend of mine.  Afterwards, he told me that he really liked me and knew that he would be missing out on a good thing if he didn't pursue his feelings for me, but he also said that he didn't want to risk our friendship.  I really like him and we get on so well.  Should I talk to him about how I really feel or should I just forget it?  I'm scared, as I don't want to risk ruining the friendship either, but at the same time I think we'd be really good together.  I don't know what to do.  Help!

A.   It's good that you're thinking this through and you understand your friend's reservations.  He may have been in a similar position before, or might not be so sure that a relationship with you will work out.  If you talk to him, you need to listen to his concerns.  You seem to want to clear the air and have your say before you can move forward, so take a couple of days to think about what you are going to say and bear all the possible outcomes of the situation in mind.  If you just decide to remain friends, then you need to accept this fully and not raise the issue in the future.  If you choose to start a relationship then you'll both need to work at your friendship too.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Q.   I've been with my boyfriend for two years and we recently moved in together.  I love him, but I'm concerned about his relationship with his mum.  They're very close and affectionate, which makes me feel uncomfortable.  She calls him all the time, including before he goes to bed to wish him goodnight.  I don't know what to do.

A.   Unless his mum is interfering with your relationship, you should try to accept their close bond.  What's more important is how he behaves with you.  If he's not making you feel special, then this is a problem made worse by him being more affectionate with his mum than you.  It may be worth explaining to him what you want from this relationship and hopefully he can put this into effect.  Focus on your wants and needs, rather than how you feel about his mum.

Q.   My fiance didn't take his exes seriously, but promised to change for me.  It's been two years and we're truly in love.  But he stares at women when we're out and keeps in touch with exes, although he says nothing goes on and he's told them about me.  We're due to be getting married but I'm afraid he's a player.

A.   That he ogles women in front of you suggests he feels no guilt; the head turning is just a reflex.  Your jealousy will become a weapon he can use to get a reaction from you, or distract from serious issues.  And the most loving man may decide that if he must endure jealousy, why not deserve it?  So jealousy often gets the last thing it wants.  Here's a sneaky ploy: suggest a drink with his exes.  Either he'll hate the idea of notes being swapped and cool his connections with the past, or they might turn out to be friends to both of you.

Q.   I recently met an amazing guy who I get on with really well.  I thought he was special so I didn't sleep with him straight away.  Now we've been on loads of dates and we had sex with each other for the first time last week.  I found his penis quite small and unsatisfying and it it's putting me off him a bit.  I don't know if I can be with him if we can't have a good sex life.  What should I do? 

A.   Having sex with someone for the first time is never as good as when you've slept with them a few times, so give him a chance.  There are loads of things you can try to make it more satisfying - you can use toys or try different positions to make the most of what he's got.  Whatever you do, don't say anything to him about it, as you will totally ruin his confidence.  Do some research about what positions can work when a man isn't that well-endowed, and try out the new techniques next time you're together.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Q.   My boyfriend often goes out with his mates and their girlfriends, but the only time he's ever invited me was on his birthday.  Is he ashamed of me?

A.   You need to tell him how you feel.  Don't accuse him of being ashamed of you, or of leaving you out.  Have you considered that he may be ashamed of his friends, not you?  He's probably oblivious to how much this is upsetting you, but if he cares about you, he'll invite you out more.

Q.   I recently met a guy and we started texting and chatting on the phone a lot.  We've since met up and slept together a few times.  He still texts and calls me a lot, and before sex he's always really kissy and cuddly, but then he seems distant afterwards.  I'm starting to really like him, but he says he doesn't know where it's going.  Is he only interested in using me for sex?

A.   Even though your logical, rational side has worked out that this 'relationship' is all about sex, the romantic part of you still wants much more from this guy.  All the things you like about him - the texts, calls, kissing and cuddling - come from the time you spend together before you have sex.  If you're OK and happy for things to continue like that, then carry on sleeping with him.  However, if you're looking for something more permanent - and it seems like you are - it doesn't sound as if this man is going to be the one to provide it.  You need to decide what you really want from a relationship and what's more important to you.  Then ask yourself if this man is really going to be the one to deliver any of it.  If he's not, I suggest you walk away now, before you end up getting your heart broken further down the line.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Q.   I've been with my boyfriend for six months and am so happy - except for my jealousy.  He has a lot of female friends and I have just as many male friends.  I know I shouldn't but I check his texts and emails even though I trust him 100%.  How can I stop feeling this way? 

A.   What's irrational jealousy if not a failure of trust?  But you say you trust him, so that must mean there's someone else in this relationship you don't trust.  That must be you.  Odds are you've been hurt in the past.  But this is now, and maybe the future as well.  Please, walk tall.  And develop reasons at work and play to feel great about yourself.  Trust yourself to be lovable and you will find it easier to trust him to love you. 

Friday, March 23, 2012

Q.   I love giving oral sex but my new man's sperm tastes like rotting fish, and I can't bring myself to let it in my mouth, never mind swallow it.  I haven't said anything but it's ruining sex for me.  Is there something he can take to change the way it tastes?

A.   Ewwww - seriously?  Ewwww!!  There's little worse than foul-smelling sex juices, but happily all it takes is three bodily-conscious meals to sweeten them up.  All our smells and secretions are affected by diet - cigarettes and booze, plus red meat, cabbage, cauliflower, garlic, certain spices and onions can all cause bad-tasting sex fluids and stinky sweat.  Ask him to cut these out and eat chicken, celery, grapes and pineapple instead.  Also, drinking plenty of water helps (we're more than 50% water, so we are what we drink).  If this doesn't improve things, he should get checked out by a doctor or clinic, in case he has an infection.  If he's sulky about missing out on his burgers and beer, tell him he only has to go without on the days he wants a blow job!!  If he is offended by you suggesting he is less than pleasant, and he doesn't believe he has 'funky spunk', simply tell him to taste his own.  If he's willing to swallow, and can tolerate it, then so can you!

Q.   My boyfriends ex has just had a baby and he's doing the right thing by seeing the child and providing for him.  But I keep imagining them playing happy families together and it's driving me crazy.  Will he bond with his ex again because of the child? 

A.   Why did they break up in the first place?  Was he uncertain about being a parent?  About her?  Or did she end it?  And does she now want him back?  Either way, if he bonds at all, it will be less with his ex and more with his baby.  Presumably your relationship is quite a new one.  Chances are he's not sure how he feels about being a dad.  You must be sure how you feel about him too. If you want him, all you can do is hang in there patiently.  Because whether he stays or goes, from now on your boyfriend is carrying baggage.  If you two do remain a couple, when the time comes, be ready to welcome his child into your own heart and home. 

Q.   I can climax in 30 seconds or so by myself, but with a guy I just can't seem to let go.  I usually end up faking it because I feel sorry for them.  What's wrong with me? 

A.   Women who fake orgasms share a few of the same inconvenient beliefs.  They place a higher value on their lover's pleasure than their own.  They're more interested in the way they're perceived than being seen for who they really are.  They don't believe they have equal orgasmic rights and they don't trust their partner enough to tell the truth.  Sexy thinking, huh?  Most women would agree that orgasms start in the brain, but if yours is busy wondering what your lover is thinking - or whether you're taking too long, or if he'll be disappointed if you don't climax after all his hard work - you can't even get started.  Being in a trusting relationship will help but, in the meantime, try focusing on your favourite fantasies and the physical pleasure he's (hopefully) giving you.  Make your pleasure as important as his and you shouldn't have any more trouble. 

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Q.   I love my girlfriend and I'd never hurt her, but in my fantasies I get off on dominating her and making her do stuff.  I want to try it in real life - role play and maybe bondage or spanking - but I'm scared it will change the way she feels about me.  What if she's shocked or offended? 

A.   At the start of a relationship we wear our 'Sunday Best' personalities, hoping someone will love us.  We put all our energy into pleasing them.  But after about six months, we need to start pleasing ourselves or we risk becoming resentful martyrs.  I understand you're nervous but, as with all aspects of our real selves, the truth will come out in the end.  Most people admit to some degree of S and M in their fantasy life and you'll be glad to hear that while most men lean towards the dominant end of the spectrum, girls tend towards the submissive.  Dip a toe in the water - pin her arms above her head when you're on top.  If she hates it, stop; if she responds well, try something else.  Ask 'Is this OK?'  If you don't feel you can be your whole self, the relationship has a shelf life. 

Q.   I've been with my boyfriend for three years, we're both 28.  He says he fancies me and finds me sexy but, after the initial period of lust, he seems to have a much lower libido than me.  He had testicular cancer as a teenager but says he was never really bothered about it.  I love him but I don't want a sexless relationship.  I've tried to tell him I'd like more sex.  We're planning to live together but I'm confused.

A.   He'd barely arrived at an age to express and enjoy healthy lust when cancer struck him in the organ of his newly matured manhood.  He tells you he was 'never really bothered' about having cancer?  Of course he was! And now that he's in a relationship and responsible for someone elses pleasure as well, don't you think he must be bothered again?  One of the side effects of testicular cancer can be loss of libido.  Talk to him - not about yourself and your sexual needs.  Lead him gently back to the youthful trauma he tries to brush aside - perhaps he'll at last be able to express his fears about his long-term virility.  Then urge him to contact Macmillan Cancer Support (0808 808 0000 or

Q.   At first, my girlfriend was all silk stockings and lace lingerie.  We had sex all the time.  Now, a year down the line, she's in her 'period pants' even when it's not her period, only shaves her legs to go out with the girls, and sex only happens on a Sunday.  I want to sue under the Trade Descriptions Act.

A.   Do you still make her sides split with daft jokes?  Make her heart leap with wild romantic gestures?  Lavish hours of foreplay on her?  Put the toilet seat down?  Being the perfect boyfriend all the time is exhausting, isn't it?  Well, so is being a 24-hour sex siren.  Few of us set out to mislead new lovers with false promises - we simply show our best side first and if all goes well, we relax and reveal a little more.  Her stubbly legs and big knickers are a testament to how safe she feels with you.  Bring her old sparkle back by treating her like a diamond (or buying her one!).  Present her with some new lingerie, light some candles and crack open a bottle of fizz.  This relationship is 50% yours - it's what you make it as well.

Q.   I secretly enjoy looking at bondage and S and M porn sites.  I plucked up the courage to share this with my boyfriend and he totally overreacted.  He said it left him cold and if he wasn't enough for me, I should go!!  I do want more - but I want it with him. 

A.   Look at it from his angle - he thought he knew how to please you in bed, then you announce your tastes are far more exotic than the boring sex he has with you.  Not only that, you've been getting off on watching other men perform.  What did you expect, 'No problem, I'll start that spanking right away, Mistress'?  His pride is hurt and he needs some reassurance.  Tell him you love having sex with him and that all you want to do is build on it together.  Your honesty took courage.  Just give him a minute to take it all in. 

Friday, March 16, 2012

Q.   Do men ever fantasise about having sex with someone else while they're making love to their partner?

A.   Speaking generally, men are realists.  In the privacy of their own room, with nothing but their right hand for company, they may have fantasies about making love to any number of different women, usually all at the same time.  But confronted with a real, naked lady to play with, they want to take it all in and absorb as much real flesh information as possible.  Admittedly, parts of this information may also be converted into a mental snapshot and used on a later occasion when you could be away/not talking to them/going out with someone else, but at the time, it's enough of an eyefest to keep their interest up.  Generally, when it's not enough, OK, I admit the odd image must just pop in there.  It's nothing personal.  And there's nothing to stop the occasional image popping into your head too! 

Q.   My husband cheated on me and we stayed together, but then I cheated on him.  We've both been honest about our infidelities and want to move forward, but I'm not sure we can, as we keep rowing about what happened.

A.   Use this as a wake-up call.  Focus on the important stuff, like trying to stay together.  If you want to move forward, you can't bring up the past every time you argue.  It's important for partners to learn to listen to each other.  Take time out to actually think about what your man says.  You may score a few points with put-downs and revenge, but how is that good for either of you, let alone your relationship?  Punishing each other with cheating means you are two individuals in a battle, not two partners in a relationship. Instead, focus on what you can do to strengthen your bond. 

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Q.   I've been seeing my man for six months and he's yet to introduce me to his family or friends.  Is he hiding something?

A.   I could say he likes to take things slowly.  I could say his family will put you off.  I could even say he's a secret agent... but I'd be lying.  He's hiding something.  Big time.  It's up to you to find out what.  Is he keeping secrets to protect you (from his sordid past/family from Hell/oafish mates) or to protect himself (from his pregnant wife/knowing family/jeering mates)?  If it's the former, explain you can handle the fact that his rellies make the Addams family look normal.  If it's the latter, the time has come to explain you're a big girl now, with a big right hook.  You're his girlfriend not a haemorrhoid.  Don't settle for being kept under wraps. 

Q.   I've been with my boyfriend for four years, but I recently got in touch with my ex, who I still have strong feelings for.  We want to be more than friends, but I don't want to hurt my current partner.  What can I do? 

A.   Old flames can often be viewed through rose-tinted glasses, especially if your current relationship has become predictable.  You've been hit by a surge of excitement - part of it feels wrong and part of it feels nostalgic.  The problem is, you've forgotten why you split up with your ex in the first place.  It's always a good idea to look back and put this into perspective. They call it a break up because usually some part of it was broken.   Ask yourself if you were to invest more energy into your current relationship, how would you feel?  Decide where your heart truly lies.  Is it with the ex or your partner? Which relationship deserves a second chance?  And if you're not sure about either, is it time you had some space alone?  

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Q.   I've just found out my boyfriend of five years slept with another girl on a night out.  I don't know what to do - I feel like I hate him, but we've got so much history together and I know I still love him.  He's apologised and has promised it was a one-off mistake, but can I trust him?

A.   Right now, you need space to deal with the shock.  It's normal to both love and hate a partner after hearing they've cheated, so you might prefer to have some time apart to decide what you want to do.  It'll take time to trust him again, and honest communication from both of you is needed for you to move on from this.  You may be able to rebuild the relationship, and counselling could help.  But if you feel you can't forgive him, then it's better to find someone who'll give you the respect you deserve. 

Monday, March 12, 2012

Q.   I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, but recently I've found out that he's been secretly flirting with someone who's also in a relationship.  I read his text messages and he's been slagging me off to her. I decided to confront him, but he said it was just 'banter'.  He deleted her number and said he'll change, but I don't trust him now.  What should I do? 

A.   It sounds as though you've never trusted him, which is why you checked up on him.  As much as he's been disloyal, you don't seem to give him his own space.  Trust is essential, but it's important for you both to express your individuality and have separate friends and interests.  You need to work out what you both want in the relationship, and if there's enough common ground to move forward. 

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Q.   I've been seeing a bloke for a couple of months, but I feel as though he's only in it for the sex.  I don't hear from him for days, then he texts at 3am asking me to go round to his because he 'misses me'.  The thing is, I really like him.  Can I turn this into a proper relationship, or is it too late? 

A.   Unfortunately, there are a lot of girls out there who'll be able to sympathise with your situation.  My advice is to confront this man now.  Explain that you're beginning to fall for him and you need to know if he feels the same, or is it really just about the sex.  It may seem daunting, but you deserve the truth.  Quite simply, no one has the right to treat you this way - as an afterthought when they're lonely.  You need to be with someone who wants you for the right reasons, so be brave.  It's best finding out now before your feelings become too intense.  He may not realise his behaviour is making you think he's only interested in sex.  If this is the case, then there may be hope for the relationship.  However, if he doesn't want anything serious, as hard as it might be, at least you'll know the truth.  You'll be able to move on and find someone who is actually worthy of your feelings instead. 

Friday, March 9, 2012

Q. I slept with a bloke I know after a night out and we had a great time. We've exchanged flirty emails but he hasn't asked me on a date or tried to take things further. I really like him but I want him to ask me out - does his reluctance mean he's not interested?

A. There are two ways to look at this. Either he's waiting for you to make a move, or he's just being a bloke who's had a one night stand and is trying to not be too obvious. To put it bluntly, now that he's had you, he's just not that into you. Blokes tend to want what they can't have so it's a bit too late to be flirty once you've 'done the dirty'. Now learn from this, if you just want casual sex, then go for it, but don't try to change the rules of the game afterwards. If you want a date that leads somewhere, flirt before you have sex. If you want closure on this then send an email suggesting another meet up. However, you might be better marking this one down to experience and just moving on.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Q. I've just split up with my first long-term boyfriend. He said he still loves me, but a relationship isn't right for us at the moment. He's the only person I've ever loved and I feel empty inside. He said he'll come back to me in time and to stay faithful in the meantime. Do I wait for him or do I try to move on?

A. That empty feeling after a break-up is like bereavement. In time the pain lessens but it does take a bit of work rebuilding your life. Be kind to yourself, get out and about, and try to distract yourself from it all. Then start to make plans for your own life that don't involve hanging on to a maybe. Ok, so you may get back together with him, but the chances are slim. So although you can keep this thought in the back of your mind, you need to make the effort to move on and make the life for yourself that you deserve. It sounds as though your ex is trying to make it easier for you, but you already recognise that holding on to this relationship may hurt more in the long run. So save yourself the heartache and get on with your life.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Q.   I'm 18, and for the past eight months I've been seeing a 49 year-old married man.  He tells me he loves me and I think I feel the same.  I know his wife, but he says he's going to leave her for me.  I'm not sure I want him to, as I don't want her to be hurt, although I do want to carry on seeing him.  What should I do? 

A.   You're in a classic love triangle, where someone is always going to get hurt.  It sounds as though you love the excitement more than the harsh reality of what it will cost to be with him fully.  What happens when it stops being exciting?  Age gaps in relationships can work, but with so much baggage involved, the odds are against it.  Work out what you're getting from this.  All choices have consequences, so try to find a relationship you could be proud of. 

Q. I live in a small town where everything gets around and I've just found out my best friend's bloke has been cheating on her. I don't know if it's definitely true so do I tell her and risk breaking her heart if it's not? Or keep it from her and let her find out for herself?

A. If you're not sure, it's best to say nothing for now. It could harm your friendship if you tell her and it turns out it isn't true. I'd avoid getting involved in any gossip on this. Be there for her and continue to support her. If you find out for sure he is cheating, you may want to tell him you know and you're expecting him to behave respectfully and be honest and up front with her. You should tell her only if he's definitely cheating and won't change his ways.