Q.   I love my girlfriend and I'd never hurt her, but in my fantasies I get off on dominating her and making her do stuff.  I want to try it in real life - role play and maybe bondage or spanking - but I'm scared it will change the way she feels about me.  What if she's shocked or offended? 


A.   At the start of a relationship we wear our 'Sunday Best' personalities, hoping someone will love us.  We put all our energy into pleasing them.  But after about six months, we need to start pleasing ourselves or we risk becoming resentful martyrs.  I understand you're nervous but, as with all aspects of our real selves, the truth will come out in the end.  Most people admit to some degree of S and M in their fantasy life and you'll be glad to hear that while most men lean towards the dominant end of the spectrum, girls tend towards the submissive.  Dip a toe in the water - pin her arms above her head when you're on top.  If she hates it, stop; if she responds well, try something else.  Ask 'Is this OK?'  If you don't feel you can be your whole self, the relationship has a shelf life.