Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Q.   Whenever I touch my boyfriend's penis, he pulls my hand away.  And he's never let me give him oral.  What's his problem?  At first I thought he was shy, but it's been six months.  He's very attentive to me; I just want to reciprocate.

A.   Maybe he's insecure about his size or shape, or perhaps he's afraid of cumming too quickly.  He might have been put off by an ex's ham-fisted handjob or the scrape of one too many teeth.  Or it's possible - albeit rare - he just doesn't like being handled.  Whatever the reason, you must respect it.  Six months is long enough to trust someone.  Maybe now's a good time to start talking about sex as well as doing it. 

Monday, April 23, 2012

Q.    My new guy met my friends a few weeks ago, and I expected them to get along great.  While my girlfriends have said nice things, I get the sense that they really don't approve.  Plus my boyfriend has strangely 'had plans' whenever I've suggested group outings since then.  I want to date someone who gets along with my friends.  Is there anything I can do to get him to give it another shot?

A.  I'm sure your friends are very nice.  But it sounds like you kinda fed your boyfriend to the wolves.  I don't blame him for not wanting to serve them seconds.  Meeting all your girls at once must have been totally overwhelming for him.  He probably could have navigated that situation with help from you but since you 'expected' him and your friends to get along, you probably didn't give him too much.  Plus, your boyfriend isn't stupid.  He knows it's a big deal to meet your gang and that it didn't go well.  Now he's just trying to avoid a repeat performance.  As you point out, it's important for the person you date to get along with the people you care about - so you need to fix things, as soon as possible.  Make sure your friends know how happy he makes you so that they keep an open mind, and apologise to your boyfriend for tossing a friend grenade at him - it'll reinforce that it was the situation, not the people, that he disliked.  Finally, ask one laid back friend to meet the two of you for a drink.  It'll be much easier for your guy to relax and open up, and once he knows he connects with one of your friends, he'll be much more willing to get to know the rest.

Q.   My guy recently picked out a hot girl at a restaurant and told me that he would never date someone who's that attractive because she'd get checked out too much.  Before that, he had made me feel sexy.  Now I feel awful.  He apologised, but I'm not over it.  Am I overreacting?

A.   I don't think so.  What he said was mind-blowingly stupid and insensitive, but I'm sure he feels terrible.  But trust me, he didn't mean what he said.  For starters, it was a total lie!  If he were single and she was into him, do you really think he'd turn her down just because other guys check her out?  Of course not.  Most men love dating someone who makes other men jealous.  No, he was just looking for a way to point out a hot girl.  Sound crazy?  It kind of is, but guys often can't help but check out and comment on attractive women - it's just a stupid thing they're programmed to do.  The thing is, his brain was active enough to make the comment in a way that would be palatable to you (or so he thought).  Even though he pointed her out, he also tried to say that she wasn't a threat.  That's no excuse for saying something hurtful, but I think you should let it go.  So tell him he owes you dinner for being such a moron, then let him get back to making you feel sexy.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Q.   My man and I get on great when we're alone but on nights out we fight.  He gets jealous when I talk to or look at other men.  How do I tell him it's driving me insane without him laughing it off as the drink?

A.   This rings warning bells.  He sounds potentially very controlling.  Pick a quiet time to talk when you're both sober.  Explain how is jealousy is upsetting you.  Tell him he can trust you but if he carries on acting like this he'll drive you away.  Discuss how you can enjoy a night out without arguing and make it clear if it happens again you'll go home.  He has to sort this out.  You can't sort it out by arguing when he's been drinking.  If he's insecure, reassuring him or not having contact with other men will not help.  He needs to see a counsellor to address the root of his behaviour and why he's so jealous.  If he can't do this you need to end the relationship as controlling behaviour like this usually only gets worse.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Q.   I'm 19 and have never been kissed.  I thought things would change when I went to uni but they haven't.  I've fancied blokes, but they never amount to anything.  I feel like there's something wrong with me.  Please help!

A.   There's nothing wrong with you .... you simply haven't met the right bloke yet.  Kissing strangers is never particularly fun, so when you find a man you like try to be friends first.  Then it will mean so much more when you do have that first kiss.  Try not to worry about it too much - putting pressure on yourself won't help.   When you're with blokes you like, just be yourself.  And when you do find that perfect man, don't go too heavy on the sticky lipgloss - they hate it!
Q.   My boyfriend goes to Ibiza with his friends in a month and I'm scared he'll cheat.  He assures me he won't but all his friends are single and I don't want them to encourage him.  Help.

A.   Singles holidays get a lot of bad press but a lot of people just go there to drink and dance.  Look at this as a test of your relationship.  It's a test for both of you, your trust and his faithfulness.  Is it his mates you don't trust or him?  You need to decide where you're going to draw the line and what happens if he crosses it.  It doesn't have to be a heavy, dramatic ultimatum, just a statement of fact.  If he's assured you he's not going to cheat, then you're just going to have to take his word for it.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Q.   I keep cheating on my boyfriend.  It's like I can't say no but I hate myself after.  Mostly they're one-offs, so I tell myself it's OK as he won't find out, but deep down I know it's not.  I feel so guilty.  I love him, so why can't I stop? 

A.   What we do says more about what we want than what we say we want.  You say you want to stop cheating but the fact that you continue to do it anyway speaks volumes as to how you really feel.  You may say you love your boyfriend but your behaviour suggests you're looking for a way out.  Ending a relationship is hard, so hard that it can seem easier to force our partner into a position where they have to do the dumping.  It's called constructive dismissal.  Give him the relationship he wants or free him to find it with someone else before your guilt destroys you both. 

Q.   My girlfriend's acting like a sex pest.  It really bothers her I don't want as much sex as I did at the start.  But that's normal, right?  I fancy her, just not in the rip-her-kit-off way I used to.  She tries too hard; it's a turn-off.

A.   Sex pest?  Really?  Squeeze your size 10s into her stilettos and stand in them for a mo.  One minute you can't keep your hands off her, making her feel like the sexiest woman in the world, then suddenly the only thing you're pawing is the Sunday papers, and she's history.  Relationships must change but when they do, it's scary. Being the centre of someone's attention makes us feel safe and wanted - being ignored can make us feel insecure and rejected.  She needs reassurance not judgement.  She's trying hard so you know she still wants to be with you - what are you doing to let her know how you feel about your future together? 

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Q.   My boyfriend loves play fighting but he gets really rough.  He once dislocated my finger!  It's foreplay to him, and he always wants sex after, but I feel weird that he's turned on by pinning me down - it's like he's forcing himself on me. 

A.   The fact your boyfriend likes to wrestle with you doesn't make him dark and dangerous.  Most sexual fantasies are about power in one form or another - taking it or giving it away.  Being stimulated by a degree of submission or domination doesn't make us victims, weirdos or predators.  Can you honestly say that power or powerlessness play no role in your sexual thinking?  Tell Clumsy to be more careful or say goodbye to play fighting for good. 

Q.   I've been with my man for seven months and we both have children from previous relationships.  His ex keeps trying to split us up.  How can we make it clear that she has no chance of winning him back, without upsetting her so much that she'll stop him seeing his daughter? 

A.   You're right that this needs to be handled sensitively.  He needs to chat to his ex and acknowledge that, because they have a child together, they will always be a part of each others' lives.  But he also needs to talk to her about why they broke up in the first place.  It's best for him to focus the conversation on being friends with her and fostering a good relationship, rather than bringing up the issue of access to his child.  It may be rocky for a while, but as long as he is kind, firm and consistent, the message will sink in. 

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Q.   I'm seeing a guy who I thought cared for me.  But now he only wants us to hang out when he's drunk, meaning he only wants sex.  His best friend is very caring and understanding.  He makes me laugh and looks after me - I've started falling for him.  How do I tell him without destroying their friendship and making them hate me?  I'm scared of what will happen but can't carry on this way.

A.   You have two problems and they need to be solved separately.  Your boyfriend has been becoming your ex for some time.  He neglects you except when drunk and feeling horny - a combination, incidentally, that doesn't make for fun in bed.  Tell him you need time on your own to think about the future.  You know what? You do.  You need to get back out there; to renew old friendships, to concentrate on work or studies.  Don't even mention his friend yet - he's problem number two.  It could be he is only a comforter, and escape route from your messy relationship.  Stay cool, stay busy and give your feelings time to settle.  If your 'ex' accepts you as a friend, that's up to him.  In due course, he may even accept your relationship with his friend, if it still exists.  But don't leap out of one man's frying pan into another man's fire, that's how a girl gets burnt.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Q.   I'm so bored of sex with my boyfriend.  I roll my eyes behind his back and don't even try to orgasm.  It's the same every time, and it only changes if I change it.

A.  A great sex life needs care, communication and compromise.  Do you care enough to make it better or are you seeking an excuse to leave?  If you do care, speak up and give him a chance to care too.  Men struggle to hear what we don't say when the blood's in their head - once it's in their penis they've got no chance.  Own up to being half the problem.  Try 'It's hard to say what I want so I get angry with you for not just knowing.'  Pay attention to the three C's and satisfaction will rise like a golden souffle.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Q.   I've been with my boyfriend for three years, and lately he's been going out without telling me.  One night, my friend and I followed him.  We saw him buying girls drinks - he even kissed one of them.  When I confronted him, he said that loads of men do this when they're drunk and I shouldn't be bothered.  I'm really upset, what should I do?

A.   End it now!!  It's not 'normal' for men to go out and get drunk and kiss other women.  Despite what any man might tell you, given the chance, being drunk is never an excuse.  I can guarantee that kissing this girl probably wasn't his only intention either.  He won't be thinking, 'That was a nice kiss', he'll be thinking about shagging her too.  If you stay with this guy he'll think you're a total mug.  It'll only get worse.  But on the other hand, if he sees that you're not bothered, he might stop wanting to behave badly anyway.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Q.   My boyfriend has a small penis, which I'm perfectly happy with, but he's obsessed with finding ways to make it bigger.  Why won't he believe me when I say I don't care? 

A.   His low penis-worth has little to do with you.  It was probably there long before you.  It does matter - to him - and while I'm sure he's glad you don't care, he clearly does.  Try listening to him instead of dismissing him.  I knew a man who told me that his sexual fantasies were about filling his partner's vagina with his 'huge manly tool'.  In real life his penis was small, so he had to make do with actual tools, like sex toys.  His issue was about his pleasure, not his partner's.  Why not let him bring a few toys to bed?  Will it really put you out to let him try a few tricks that might make him feel better about himself?

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Q.   My boyfriend keeps pushing my hand in the direction of his bum.  I want to please him but the idea of touching him there is a huge turn-off.  Why does he want me to anyway - is he secretly gay?

A.   I doubt very much he's secretly gay, but the fact that a guy gets a sideways glance just because he's partial to a bit of anal action explains why so few men admit to it.  The anus is a mass of sensitive nerve endings, which is why plenty of folk enjoy being stroked, licked and entered there - for most men, it's the third most erogenous zone after the penis and testicles.  It's because of the prostate gland that sits close to the front of the anal wall and acts as a kind of G-spot for men.  If you change your mind and want to try it, you should file a fingernail for safety and health reasons, or wear latex gloves, use lube, and explore.  If you prefer not to play with your own hands, try some anal toys - plenty are available from Lovehoney.  It's also worth mentioning this is an erogenous zone for many women too.  You might be surprised....

Friday, April 6, 2012

Q. I found some intimate pictures of my man's ex. They've made me feel horrible. Her labia were perfectly shaved and neat; I'm hairy and misshapen (my 'inners' are more out than in). My boyfriend says I'm being ridiculous but I can't help it - he must be disgusted by mine after hers.

A.   Stop that - right now!!  Repeat after me, 'I'm not misshapen, I'm differently shaped'.  Assuming you're not a part-time gynaecologist, you probably don't get up close and personal to other women's vaginas.  But if you did, you'd know that they're as varied and unique as our faces.  As for your boyfriend, he should be begging for your forgiveness for being so careless - then bending over backwards to repair the damage.  I wonder if he'd think his feelings were 'ridiculous' if he found you'd kept a photo of your ex's bigger penis?  But I'm glad he's trying to reassure you.  Feeling disgust about your own body is upsetting and will ruin your sex life if you let it.  See this as you would any other physical insecurity and make the best of what you have.  Treat yourself to a bikini wax and some beautiful new undies.

Q.   My new man talks dirty all through sex and it's so off-putting.  Do I like it?  Is he big enough for me?  Shall he do this to me?  He tries to get me to talk dirty too but I feel stupid and don't know what to say.  Are we incompatible?

A.   That depends on your (and his) willingness to communicate and compromise.  He may be trying to get some feedback (moaning louder might do) or he's having a fantasy about the two of you that he wants you to join in with.  But if you don't like it, say.  Otherwise, you'll spend the rest of your (short) relationship in a state of hyper-cringe.  There are so many erotic angles on sex to explore, so dump the ones that don't work so you can enjoy the ones that do.  For instance, have you tried 'gag the boyfriend'?!!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Q.   My boyfriend is growing close to one of his female mates.  They text constantly and share lots of flirty jokes.  I've tried speaking to him, but he doesn't understand and says she's just a friend.

A.   You need to invite this girl on a night out with you and your boyfriend.  If she says no, then it's a sign that perhaps they aren't 'just friends'.  Or, if your boyfriend isn't happy for her to come along, then you're right to be suspicious.  If you do find he's trying to keep something from you, or they refuse to include you in their friendship, you need to grow a pair and make it clear to your boyfriend that you won't stand for it.  But if they are both happy to go out with you there as well, and they act like they normally do when it's just the two of them, you don't have anything to worry about.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Q.   I saw my ex recently for the first time in a year and he told me he really regretted splitting up.  I believed him and we ended up in bed together.  Then - surprise, surprise - I never heard from him again.  Why would he do that?

A.   Imagine a once-favourite pair of trousers that have been consigned to the back of the wardrobe.  Suddenly they pop back into your mind, so you dig them out and give them another try.  Only, you forgot how they don't quite fit, how you kind of outgrew them, and how the zip always used to get stuck.  Then you remember why you hid them away in the first place, and you sort of regret that uncomfortable night you spent with them again.  Well that's nothing to do with your ex.  I'm afraid he just fancied a shag!

Q.   I'm in a happy and stable relationship, but recently I heard that an ex, who I dated for two years, has settled down with a new girlfriend.  It's really bothering me, and I've even questioned if I was right to break up with him.  We split three years ago and I love my current boyfriend, so why can't I get this ex out of my head? 

A.   No one likes hearing that an ex has moved on, but it shouldn't be bothering you as much as it is.  If your ex knew you felt like this he'd be so smug.  Don't give him the satisfaction.  If he's happy with someone new, there's nothing you can do about it.  This isn't an episode of Eastenders and love triangles don't happen in real life.  If you decide you want to be with your ex, then don't be afraid to tell him - you have nothing to lose apart from some pride, and he might even feel the same (but I doubt it).  Do you love your current boyfriend?  Really? If you decide to make a go of things with him, then you should cut your ex out of your life.  Don't contact or Facebook-stalk him.  Try to forget him, so that you can give the new bloke a chance, without comparing him to your ex.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Q.   Whenever I try to initiate sex my boyfriend ignores me or pushes me away.  We only have sex at night, in bed and in the dark.  He doesn't look at me and never says anything nice about me.  He must think I'm ugly, so why is he with me? 

A.    What goes on in the bedroom never stays there.  Sex is like a thermometer - it takes the temperature of your relationship as a whole. Yours reads cold and sickly.  Most importantly, why are you with him?  Staying in a relationship that makes you feel worthless and unlovable is dangerous for you both.  Maybe you love him, maybe he loves you (in his own special way) but when love costs you your confidence, it's not worth it.  Life doesn't offer days in lieu for time wasted pouring energy into non-fillable holes.  I know there is better out there, if you have the courage to seek it.

Q.   I only orgasm from oral but my boyfriend hates doing it.  He will - reluctantly - if I ask, but makes it super-clear he doesn't really want to, which annoys me.  I think if he really loved me, he'd want to do it and learn to love it. 

A.   I'm with you all the way until the 'if he loved me' part.  Sexual tastes have nothing to do with love.  But trusting someone to be honest does.  Put aside your outrage and you may be able to work around his problem. Common reasons for avoiding oral sex are pubic hair (shave), taste/smell (shower first), jaw ache (interchange fingers and tongue), shame (his bag - therapy), and no confidence (reassurance).  Don't take it personally, seek a solution.

Q.   Why do women fake enjoying sex??  Why not just actually enjoy it instead?  I think my new girlfriend's faking - she thrashes about like she's in a porno.  Is it just me or do most girls not really like sex?

A.   Women fake enjoying when they don't feel safe enough to have real sex, or they aren't having sex that they enjoy.  This may be hard for you to grasp because, as a straight man, your right to your sexuality is rarely challenged.  You want sex and it's expected that men get it where and when they can.  Male sexual appetite is assumed and applauded, but a woman's is weighed and measured (often publicly).  If her sexual appetite is too small, she's frigid; too large and she's a nympho.  When you're trying to work out what's acceptable, it can be hard to know what's true.  If you want her to be real with you, take time to convince her that her pleasure is essential to yours.