Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Q. I've known my best friend's husband for years and he's always been flirty, but recently he put his hand up my skirt. I told him to stop, but I don't want to make a big deal about it and spoil the friendship between our two families. Was I right to hold back?

A. This man knows you'll be reluctant to tell on him, so he's taking advantage. With the trust that exists between your families, he feels free to have a grope and get away with it. Maybe he's going through a mid-life crisis, but his behaviour is unacceptable. If he does it again, tell him you'll blow the whistle, even if it disrupts both families.

Q. I'm happy with my boyfriend but his dad doesn't like me. The rest of his family are friendly, but he's sarcastic towards me, though never openly rude. When we arrive at their house he greets his son but never greets me. I can find no common ground with him, and if we're alone in a room he leaves as quickly as possible. I've raised the issue with my boyfriend but he says he hasn't noticed anything. What should I do?

A. In-laws often cause issues in a relationship, but there are things you can do to help the situation. First, never ask your boyfriend to fight your battle with his father - you'll lose in the end. Second, build strong ties with the friendly members of his family - they'll then stick up for you if there are any talks behind your back. Third, be patient. His father (more often it's the mother) sees you as a threat to his own relationship with his son. Give him time to get used to you being around. Finally ask his father about himself - his work, ambitions, history - and listen with real interest. Nothing brings a person round as fast as flattering curiosity about their life and opinions.

Q. I'm married and exhausted most of the time. Should I go for hot chocolate or kama sutra at bedtime?

A. Both, it is possible to have security and eroticism in a relationship, but not at the same time. You will spill your hot chocolate :) Keeping the spark alive against the backdrop of your chores and responsibilities is a challenge. Plan for romance rather than passively hoping for the flames to re-ignite. Spontaneity is a fabulous idea, but in an ongoing relationship, whatever is 'just going to happen' already has. Reconciling the domestic and the erotic isn't a problem to solve, but a paradox to manage. Book time for both of you to enjoy each other again. No matter how busy our lives get we can all plan ahead for these things. Make it happen, and the rest of the time, put some marshmallows in your hot chocolate too :)

Q. Me and my very liberated mates recently admitted to each other (after a few beers) that we hate anal sex. We agreed it's painful, messy, humiliating and unromantic. Are we missing a trick or is every woman who says they like it just lying?

A. I've known many women who've said they genuinely enjoy anal sex - with the right person and under the right circumstances. I've no reason to think they were lying, but this very intimate act isn't on everyone's sex menu, regardless of what you might hear. My question is, why are all doing something you hate? Have women learnt nothing? What about your pleasure? You say you're 'very liberated' but then bend over backwards to please your menfolk. Where's the freedom in that? Sexual liberation is about rights - the right to have the sex you want with whom you like, the right to protect yourself from pregnancy and the right to say no. Come on ladies - haven't we been shafted by sexist ideals long enough? Do what you like to do and not what he demands. But if it's done right, slowly and with plenty of lubrication, it shouldn't be painful, messy, humiliating or unromantic, it can be amazing, erotic and exciting.

Q. I've got no confidence when giving blow jobs. I've always avoided them but my new man told me it's his favourite thing and I really want to please him, I don't want to admit how inexperienced I am at it. I need tips, fast!

A. Tip 1: Relax. There are few things more alarming for a guy than a nervous woman lunging at his erection with teeth bared in grim determination. Put him at ease by moving slowly and with confidence (fake it if you need to). Tip 2: The person who best knows how to give your new man great oral sex is your new man, so pay attention. Watch his face (making eye contact while he's in your mouth is a big hit with most men) and listen for verbal clues. Dare to ask in a strong, sexy voice, 'Firmer or more gently? Faster or slower?' Take your time and build up the tension, but don't take too long over it - a blow job that doesn't seem to be going anywhere is frustrating. You can pick up some great ideas from erotic stories/porn films (if you're comfortable enough to experiment with them) too. Finally remember you're both beginners when it comes to each other, so he's not expecting miracles.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Q. My boyfriend says he wants me to initiate sex more, but I like it when he starts things. The thought of coming on to him makes me feel stupid. I almost always say yes when he wants it - why can't that be enough?

A. Isn't it sexy when he lets you know he's hot for you? Isn't it great to feel wanted and attractive? Isn't it safer if he makes the first move and you don't have to risk rejection? Why wouldn't he want those things too? You don't have to come over all purring and pouty. There's more than one way to initiate sex. Try simply making your availability crystal clear. Answer the door in your highest heels and shortest skirt. Hand him your skimpiest knickers under the table at a restaurant. Offer to wash him in the shower after work. Be creative - it will turn you on too.

Q. I'm seeing a lovely new guy and the sex would be great if he didn't take so long to climax. I don't mind giving oral sex and hand jobs but they both tire me out and if I let him try through intercourse, I get sore. Are there any tricks I can use to make him cum faster?

A. Some men (and plenty of women as well) have real difficulty allowing themselves to let go and have an orgasm. There are a number of factors involved in reaching a climax and almost all of them are psychological. Sex is supposed to be fun, yet you make it sound like such a chore. There are no tricks - good sex is earned. Start by making sure that he's mentally relaxed enough to enjoy himself, emotionally safe enough to be vulnerable and secure in the belief that his pleasure is important to you. Or you can carry on tapping your foot as you impatiently pleasure him while looking at your watch. Sounds sexy huh? If you're bored or mentally somewhere else, I guarantee he knows it - if you change your attitude to his orgasm, he may let go more easily.

Q. I've been with my girlfriend for less than two years and we're already having old-married-couple-sex. I've suggested we try bondage or watching porn together, but she made me feel like a pervert for even asking. This is my longest relationship - is this just what happens?

A. The crazy ripping-each-others-clothes-off part of a sexual relationship usually last about a year (it rarely lasts more than two). But by that point, you should know each other well enough to begin working on deeper and more intimate lovemaking - the kind that means taking risks and daring to introduce new things. It sounds as though you're doing the right thing, but I wonder if you're going about it in the right way. 'Hey, couldn't we spice things up a little?' could sound a lot like 'Damn, sex with you is really dull', if said in the wrong tone of voice. So she might be feeling defensive - or maybe she's just nervous. Either way, a relationship that stands still is a stagnant one. Eventually you'll either move forward or move on.

Q. Sex with my boyfriend was brilliant - until we got married. Now he hardly ever initiates sex and it's hard work turning him on. Is he freaking out about being married?

A. He could be in post-wedding panic, but stress, insecurity and illness are all passion killers too. The word libido describes a lust for life as well as desire - before you assume he's regretting marriage, ask yourself if he's his usual self out of the bedroom. He's probably as freaked out by his flat-lining lust as you are. I know it can be difficult, but talk to him. Sit together on the sofa after dinner and bring the subject up gently. Be supportive but also be clear that you're not prepared to ignore the problem any longer.

Q. I'm useless with men's bits. My oral's so bad, I once sent a guy to sleep and my hand jobs are always criticised as too rough (I made one bleed), too fast or too slow. Are there any basic rules?

A. You've had some awful experiences - possibly not all your fault - so I'm not surprised you feel unskilled. Learning how to please a man is simple: ask him. Treating it as a guessing game can be dangerously hit and miss (and more bad guesses could further dent your confidence). Or simply listen for his clues ('slow down', 'firmer', 'gently', 'faster', etc. are directions not criticisms). His penis gets hurt easily; he needs to know he's safe in your hands. Be gentle but firm. Take your time. Watch, listen and learn. If you tell him you want him to teach you properly it can turn into a very erotic game. Ask him to masturbate for you, take note of where he puts his hand, the speed, his technique. If you can emulate that to some degree then you're definitely on to a winner, and he will enjoy the game of teaching you.

Q. I've been with my boyfriend for two years. We both love sex but he never lasts longer than five or six thrusts. He gives me amazing orgasms through oral sex, but I'd love to have an internal orgasm. How can I slow him down?

A. Sustaining an erection is no guarantee of an internal (G-spot) orgasm. Two thirds of all women say they can't reach orgasm other than by clitoral stimulation, so there's a good chance you won't either. However, I do understand that sometimes we just want to be f**ked! :) The key thing is not to make his premature ejaculation a big deal - focusing on the problem often makes it worse. Tell him you'd like to explore your G-spot and would he mind if you bought a vibrator designed for the job (try the G-spot Rabbit from Lovehoney) for you to use together. As for the premature ejaculation, there are techniques he can practice that really help - if you can find a sensitive way to suggest he does the research! Or read my information on PE on this blog. Luckily it sounds as though he knows how to use his tongue, so in the meantime, enjoy what you have and get immersed in the fun of sex-toy shopping.
Q. My girlfriend closes her eyes during foreplay until she comes. She says it helps her concentrate, but it makes me feel like her sex-toy - I'm doing all the work but not sharing in her orgasm. I look at her when I am, so why won't she look at me?

A. I have no idea of the official national figure - if there is one - but according to a quick survey I took of my friends, only two women said they regularly kept their eyes open. Men are visually stimulated by the raw action, so what's playing out right in front of them is usually enough. But women are more likely to be triggered by something, such as a scenario, in their imagination. She could be imagining you having sex with her on a train or dressed as Superman, or maybe both. What she pictures is entirely personal and is no way a reflection on you. You're the conductor and the orchestra - without you its just a silent movie with no passion. Have a little faith. She's there with you - are you willing to be there with her ?

Q. I split up with my boyfriend but I still love him. He continues to visit me and I always end up having sex with him - then he doesn't want to know me until the next time. Should I break things off or try to get him back?

A. You say you split up with this guy? Hmmmm..... It sounds more like you started but never quite finished the job. As for him, he only wants you when he 'feels the urge', so why would you even want to get him back? You say you still love him. Sorry, but you don't - you still want love. And you won't find the love you deserve until you boot this selfish phoney out of your life.
Q. I'm 26 and have never once felt like having sex. I fake enjoyment because I'm too ashamed to admit this. I did mention it to my doctor a few years ago but he just said there were worse things in life that a low sex drive and not to worry. Is this it for me?

A. Your doctor's job is to listen to what's important to you. A less patronising doctor might have told you that female sexual dysfunction is fairly common and, in most cases, treatable by medical or psychological means. A hormone imbalance or blood circulation problems could be to blame, as could medication that can affect your libido (eg. antidepressants and the Pill). People who've been abused as a child, or have strong religious beliefs about sex, can have their feelings blocked. Go back to your GP (take a friend for support) and demand to see a specialist. As any health aware person knows, sex is important for self-esteem and well-being, so if it's not right, these things are threatened. Take yourself seriously and others are likely to do the same.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Q. I've found out my dad's being unfaithful to mum and I'm so confused about what to do. I don't want her to get hurt but I don't know how long I can stay silent.

A. It's often best to confront the person having the affair. Tell your dad what you know and explain that you want to talk about how this affects your relationship with him and his relationship with his mum. You'll have your own feelings of hurt to discuss but, beyond that, the fact that you know he's having an affair puts you in a situation where you're colluding with him. You have four options: 1) you tell your mum, 2) he tells your mum, 3) you both keep schtum on the condition that he ends the affair immediately or 4) you talk to him about what he is having the affair for and where he plans on it going, and work out if you can both live with the situation or not. Whatever you decide, the outcome will be unpredictable and the process painful. But your parents need to address the problems in their relationship that might have led to the affair. Finally, its vital you share your feelings about how the experience has affected you.

56 Naughty Sex Questions (answered in 20 words or less)

  1. What is the easiest way to try a 69? Lie on top of him or position yourselves side by side.
  2. Why do men want sex in the morning? Testosterone levels peak between 6am and 8am, fuelling their sex drive.
  3. I'd like to enjoy sex for longer and slow my orgasms. Any advice? Switch positions, rest and kiss between.
  4. I'm short, my man is tall, what's a good position for us? You on top, facing front or reverse.
  5. How can I let him know I love what he's doing? Moan loudly and grind your hips into him or tell him.
  6. The idea of having sex with a total stranger turns me on, but I'm in a relationship. How can I act out this fantasy with my man? Have him meet you at a bar and introduce yourself as someone else, then take him home with you.
  7. I want him to blindfold me. How can I hint that its a turn on? Do it to him first or lie on the bed already blindfolded when he comes in.
  8. What's the best way to take control of sex halfway into it? Kiss him fiercely, then move him into whatever position you want. He'll obey. They love it.
  9. What takes oral sex from pretty good to best ever? Your enthusiasm and variety of technique, don't be repetitive.
  10. What's the best food to bring into the bedroom? Whipped cream in a spray can. Put it anywhere you want but his mouth.
  11. What can I do to make things sweaty and energetic? Put on music with a fast beat, your bodies will break into a sweat keeping up with the beat.
  12. I orgasm powerfully when I masturbate with a vibrator. How can I bring that same intensity with my man? Incorporate a vibrator into your sex play.
  13. Will I become loose 'down there' if I have a lot of partners? No.
  14. How can I feel less body-conscious when I'm on top? Lean in close so you're face to face. You'll feel like your belly and breasts don't jiggle as much.
  15. What's the most sensitive part of his penis, and what should I do to it? The tip. Slowly circle your tongue on it like its an ice cream cone.
  16. I've heard that squeezing my internal muscles makes sex hotter for him. Why? The tighter grip on his penis adds an insane surge of pleasure.
  17. Do all men go to strip clubs? No.
  18. Why does it feel good when my man tugs on my hair a little during sex? Your senses are heightened and your scalp has tons of nerves, so it gives a little jolt of pleasure.
  19. Can men feel a difference between ribbed condoms and regular ones? Nope, ribbing is on the outside, for our benefit.
  20. Can you use lube for shower sex? Not water-based ones, they'll just wash off. Look for something silicone based.
  21. How can I make my orgasm more intense? Keep your body relaxed by taking long, deep breaths and hold your breath when you climax.
  22. What can I do if he goes soft while were doing it? Grip the base of his shaft and give it a few firm pumps or put your mouth around it.
  23. Is there something wrong if I get really wet during sex? No! Its exactly how it should be.
  24. Is it OK to have fantasies about other men? Yes, but I suggest you don't tell your man and don't call out his name.
  25. If I don't have sex for a while will my vagina tighten up? No!
  26. I love getting loud in bed. How can I do it without sounding scary? Start with soft moans, then louder groans, then let go with a full-throttle 'Oh, YES!!'
  27. Do lubes that heat up make sex better? Some people think so, but others find the temperature change distracting. Best to try it.
  28. What do men think is the sexiest kind of lingerie? Anything that is black and easy to remove is always a popular option but the sexiest is anything with stockings.
  29. Will getting a Brazilian wax make sex better? No! But it makes you feel very sexy, so you might perform better.
  30. How long should I let him recharge before round two? Anywhere from five to 30 minutes so long as he's not a one hit wonder.
  31. How can I get him to spank me? Spank yourself and he'll follow suit, or just ask him.
  32. Is there a way to tell whether a man has dabbled sexually with other men in the past? Only if he refers to his ex named Tim. Just ask him outright if you want to know.
  33. If I have sex while I'm dry down below, will it stretch me? No, but it will hurt.
  34. What's a sexy article of clothing to wear while doing the deed? Stilettos and stockings. Leave them on in bed.
  35. What position will make him last longest? You on top, you can slow things down, if he's ready and you're not.
  36. Why does he want to keep the lights on during sex? Because men are visual creatures and the sight of you turns him on.
  37. He wants me to be more dominant. What shall I do? Push him onto the bed and tell him exactly what you want him to do to you.
  38. What is a man's number one sexual fantasy? A threesome.
  39. What constitutes a foot fetish? Often having the urge to lick someones toes or feet or worship their shoes.
  40. What can I do when I have my period if I don't want to have actual sex? Give and receive some sensual massages, or give him oral sex.
  41. Can a man feel your orgasm? Yes. He will feel your vaginal walls squeeze him.
  42. Does a man care if my labia aren't a perfect pair? No!
  43. Does my boyfriend fantasise about my sexy friends? Yes. Sorry!
  44. Does a cold shower really kill a man's desire? Yes. Cold water shrinks his penis, and it's hard to feel sexy when you're chilled to the bone.
  45. Is it possible to tell if he'll be good in bed when I first meet him? If he's attentive - opens doors, constantly touches you etc. its a good sign, and if he kisses very well!
  46. Do women have different sized clitorises? Yes, it's a mini penis, so just like men, they come in different sizes, but remember size doesn't matter.
  47. I want to have sex standing up but my boyfriend has a hard time holding me. What position works best? Rest one foot on the floor and the other on a coffee table, or the bumper bar, or a step.
  48. I want to get a little rough. How can I start? Hold his hands above his head as you kiss him.
  49. Should I play with his nipples during sex? Some men like it, some don't. Start by licking each of his nipples and see how he reacts.
  50. What does being inside me feel like for him? Stick your finger in your mouth and suck and you'll get the idea.
  51. My penis curves to the right, is this going to hurt her? No. A slight curve is natural and common. A more severe bend and you should see your GP.
  52. My girlfriend will only have sex in the dark, how can I make her do it with the lights on? You cant make her do anything, but candlelight and lots of compliments should make it less daunting.
  53. How long should I give her oral sex for? As long as she wants you to and until she has cum, its not a chore!
  54. Where's is the G spot? It's one to two inches inside the vagina, on the front wall, behind her pubic hair.
  55. How can I tell if shes faking? You can't. Look out for erect nipples, a flushed chest and face, breathlessness and a pulsing of her vaginal muscles.
  56. How can I make sex in our long term relationship hot again? Kiss. Share fantasies. Surprise her. Spend a day in bed. Buy her lingerie. New positions. Communication.
Q. I had unprotected sex on a one-night stand last year and caught herpes. I feel so dirty and stupid. Now a guy I really like has asked me out and I want to say yes but I can't face telling him about the herpes. Who wants a girlfriend with an STI?

A. It's your attitude that's causing problems, not the virus. You're neither dirty nor stupid, just unlucky. The sooner you stop beating yourself up and start researching what it means to live with herpes, the sooner you'll find out how easily you can cope. Tell your potential man on a first date and he's likely to flee. Present the facts calmly and in context if your relationship turns sexual and there's a better chance he'll stay around. You're the same person you've always been and you deserve loving relationships and great sex as much as you always have. As long as you believe that, nothing needs to change.