Thursday, December 31, 2009

Have a trouble free new year, may all your problems be small ones, easily solved by those around you, but if not..... you know where I am xxx

Happy New Year xxx


Monday, November 23, 2009

Q. A year ago I caught my partner looking at porn and he said he was sorry. But it felt like he had cheated on me. Then I recently found he was doing it again. He apologised, saying he could see how it made me feel, and promised not to do it again. But I don't trust him and its causing rows. He says men don't look at porn the way women do.

A. In general, porn is one area where the sexes separate. If you think of a secure, loving relationship - such as the one with your man - as a night out, porn is the kebab at the end of it that men find hard to resist. He says when he uses porn that it's really no threat to you. He's tried to tell you that a man's reaction to porn is different to yours. These women he is looking at will never be part of his life, he will never meet any of them, so you really have no reason to be jealous. If he is considerate and a decent man in the rest of your relationship, then his 'hobby' shouldn't threaten you. Unless the idea is utterly repellent, why not look at it with him? Some of it is quite interesting, it could turn into a sexy adventure, you could learn more about each other and what turns you both on, and it would also help you understand his viewpoint and defuse your jealousy.


Q. I've been with my boyfriend for six months and my constant 'thinking' is ruining the relationship. I wonder if he's seeing someone else, if he's right for me, if I can trust him. It makes me want to end it because I can't handle the misery. My boyfriend's patient, and doesn't want us to split up, but I just can't enjoy myself as things are.

A. What counts is what we're thinking about and where our thoughts are leading us. Your thoughts start with the bad idea, probably instilled from early on in your life, that you're not worthy of devotion and happiness. Thus, you're unable to trust a good relationship and you find yourself driven to destroy it. To be honest you're not thinking at all. You're feeling, and you're feeling bad. Do more fun things with your boyfriend, go to new places and involve yourselves in new ideas beyond your relationship. But, more importantly, do new things on your own - get busy. To fill the hours with learning, planning and real thinking leaves no time for moping.


Q. I really want to try anal sex with my man. I've never done it before but I want to explore everything with him. We have a great sex life, so I was surprised when he said he didn't think he wanted to try it. I thought all men did!

A. And now you know different! There are as many men who are completely freaked out by the idea of anal intercourse as there are women. Until recently, anal sex was a fairly taboo subject. Today its on the sex menu with its own tick box just below threesomes, sex parties and serious bondage! Who said we have to try everything on the menu anyway? Most of us stick to the things we like, with a bit of experimentation here and there to spice things up. Ask him to use his finger there first. You might find you don't like it after all. If you do and he still doesn't want to try anal sex, buy a slim vibrator and as him to use that instead. And remember, the skin inside the anus is thin and easily torn so fingers need to be clean and nails clipped. Lube is essential for comfort and don't forget hygiene - there are some things nobody wants to share.


Q. I can't make my man cum. He says its not my fault, and that he still loves sex, but I find this hard to believe. I've now gone off it completely because it feels pointless. Its like running a race without a finishing line - why bother?

A. Does cake taste any less delicious for the lack of a cherry on top? Lovers have sex for the sheer exhilarating experience of it. The finishing line is a pleasure to cross but isn't an essential ingredient - the show can go on without it. Sex is one part your orgasm, one part his and eight parts all the other good stuff. Instead of focusing on the one thing you can't control, work on the parts you can, and take the pressure off him. If he didn't fancy you, he wouldn't get hard in the first place. Making him suffer your disappointment is only going to add to his stress, which could possibly be the cause of the problem. Just be thankful that your cake comes with a cherry.


Q. Even when I'm erect, my foreskin hangs over the end of my penis. It doesn't get in the way of sex but I hate letting anyone see it in case they think I'm a freak. If a girl insists on giving me a blow job I go soft. Is it too late to be circumcised? I'm 26.

A. Adult circumcision can be performed but it is painful and can take weeks to heal. If you're adamant, you should research the procedure - try www.netdoctor.co.uk. Unless you are regularly tearing the frenulum (the little piece of skin attaching the foreskin to the penis), or you can't pull back your foreskin at all, I definitely wouldn't recommend it. This is about your confidence, not your foreskin. You can safely assume that a girl who insists on going down on you wont let your foreskin get in her way. If you're really nervous, hold your penis at the base to pull the foreskin back while she's doing her thing. I know you hate the way it looks, but have a bit of faith, if no one's complaining, I doubt there's anything to complain about.


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Q. I think my girlfriend's faking her orgasms. Sometimes she just makes this little noise when she's cumming and other times it's like she's in a porn movie. Her orgasm is important to me, I hate thinking it might not be real. Is there a way to tell for sure?

A. I know actually talking to the person you have sex with is a bit 'strange' but it beats kitting your bedroom out with a heart monitor, brain scanner and lie detector!! Some orgasms are more intense than others, which could explain her varying responses. But if she is faking, its probably because she's paying more attention to your need to give her an orgasm than her need to have one. This is a shared issue because you don't trust her, be straight with her and maybe she'll be straight with you. However, if you need signs, you can look for flushing of her chest and face, hardening of her nipples and breathlessness. Even an Oscar winning actress would struggle to fake those signs, but bear in mind, less intense orgasms won't necessarily produce these signs.


Q. I've been using a vibrator for years and I'm worried that I've numbed my clitoris, because I don't feel at all sensitive when my partner touches me. My friend says she never uses a vibrator because she'd heard that it ruins orgasms, is that true?

A. Bloody hell, I hope not!!! I've had it if that's the case!!! And thanks to Lovehoney.co.uk I should be numb from the waist down!!

Actually I have heard this rumour over the past few years and here's what I think - Vibrators provide us with full control over our orgasm, which takes a few seconds to achieve and tends to be short, intense and perfectly satisfying. It might not be the best orgasm we've ever had but its right on the button every time. When we're with a lover, we're only partly in control, we keep our fingers crossed they'll do exactly the right thing at the right time, in the right place. We have to trust them and keep communicating. It tends to take longer with a lover because, without electrical vibrations, we need to be teased and cajoled into orgasm, instead of blasted there. Expect your orgasm to take 20 minutes with a partner and don't just concentrate on the clitoris. Seek out different sensations rather than comparing those experiences during sex with those you get with a vibrator. There's room for all types of orgasm, so lie back and enjoy the ride.




Q. The only man I've ever loved has gone from my life, for a second time. After losing touch years ago, we recently found each other online. We were both still madly in love, but I said I wouldn't sleep with him again, so we didn't meet, but were soon emailing and texting each other constantly. Then he said he'd leave his wife for me, only to change his mind. I feel cheated and ill with heartache. How do I get over this?

A. Emails and texts are great for exchanging information and keeping in touch, but they're words without chemistry. You are in love, but not with him - only with the memory and the idea of him. Its not a broken heart that's making you feel ill, its a bad case of wishful thinking. He had a touch of it too, but then snapped back to reality. This experience does show, however, that you're ready for love. And you'll probably find it, real, dependable love that you won't have to fight for, when you're busy doing something else.


Monday, November 16, 2009

Q. My new boyfriend is circumcised and I'm totally freaked out. I've only had two partners before and they both had foreskins. We haven't had sex yet, just a bit of groping (hence my shock discovery). I'm scared to touch him in case I get it wrong. Does it make a big difference during sex?

A. Don't panic!! Its really not a big deal. In fact, in America, you'd be hard-pressed to find a penis with a foreskin, most US docs routinely snip them off at birth. In the UK, we usually leave our boys intact unless parents request it for religious reasons. The circumcised penis can sometimes require slightly different handling to an intact one. Your boyfriend may prefer to use more lubrication than uncircumcised men when it comes to straight sex or masturbation, so invest in some condom-safe lube. With oral sex, its nicer, simpler and cleaner for you, lets just leave it at that :) During intercourse, no foreskin means more friction for both of you, which can be a good thing of course! But if that friction gets uncomfortable, again, try using a little lube.


Sunday, November 15, 2009

Q. I love my boyfriend so much. We're perfect in every way, until it comes to sex. Whenever he touches me or even looks at me sexily, I cringe. I force myself to have sex with him because I feel so guilty. We talk and he tries so hard but nothing changes.

A. The Beatles sang All You Need Is Love, and everyone really wanted to believe them. In the movies, and on TV, from Hollywood to Hollyoaks, love conquers all, but no love, no matter how great, will sustain a relationship where one partner doesn't fancy the other. We all make compromises but there are some boxes our lovers have to tick and sexual attraction is one of them. You might love each other now, but if you carry on down this route, not only will you probably end up despising him, but you'll also hurt him terribly. Faking it isn't you loving him, its you not wanting to face facts. Your relationship is lopsided, you might be his lover but he's not yours, he's your soulmate/best friend. Its time to be brave. If you're honest now, in time you might find you can still become brilliant friends.


Q. I don't know what's happening - ever since the first night with my new girlfriend, I've been rubbish in the sack. I either cum really fast or can't cum at all. I've even lost my erection halfway through. I really like this girl. Why can't I get a grip?

A. Sounds like a frustrating dose of performance anxiety (PA) and despite what Rachel says to Ross in Friends, it is that common, it does happen to every guy and it isn't a big deal. The best way to cope with PA is to take a few deep breaths and remind yourself of a few things:
  1. She may have a heavenly body but she's just a girl lying in bed with a guy
  2. Be honest
  3. You're in perfect working order
  4. While your penis behaviour is a big deal for you, your tongue and fingers are just as important to her, so use them.



Q. As students, my boyfriend and I would spend days in bed together, but now we're working we're either too tired or too busy to have sex. We're rowing a lot more too. How do people have careers and relationships?

A. It's a frustrating balancing act between what you want and what you can actually have. A wealthy man once wrote a book on how to get rich. His secret? Live only to make money. When I'm not sure about my priorities, I think about my final thoughts on earth. Which would you prefer - 'I wish I'd made more money'? Or 'I wish I'd made love more'? Your relationship's clearly important to you, so treat it as something that counts. You don't have to spend days in bed to connect at an intimate level - a sexy alarm call in the morning, a quickie in the kitchen before dinner or lazy mutual masturbation last thing at night will keep you both going till Sunday, which should be a dedicated day of rest - and play!


Q. I've been seeing a woman who says she doesn't want to be in a relationship but she's happy to have casual sex. I love the sex, but if I'm honest, I want more. Why does she hold back from me?

A. Casual-sex relationships sound so cool. Two single people getting together now and then to share each other's bodies, have great orgasms and then leave to get on with wholly unconnected lives. But it's a fantasy because one almost always likes the other more, while the other is making do until something better comes along. To be honest, its usually the woman who wants more, while the man is finding excuses not to spend time with her, so this is not a usual situation. However, if she's happy to be getting her sexual needs met by you, but its only for now - don't fool yourself into thinking you can change her mind. If she says she's up for hanging out with you for a while but doesn't want more, that's almost certainly what she means. If you think you might get hurt, leave now. If you think you can detach your emotions and enjoy the sex then relish the arrangement, but keep your eyes open for someone better, just as she is doing.




Sunday, November 1, 2009

Q. I recently found out that my boyfriend once had sex with a prostitute. It was years before he met me and he says he has no desire to do it again, but I'm disgusted with him. I don't understand why he needed to pay for sex - its not as if he's ugly.

A. As soon as boys hit puberty, we make them work hard for every bit of sexual attention they get. We tell them they have to be funny, charming, have money in their pockets, dress well, be strong yet gentle, and be keen but not too keen. If they obey all the rules, we might let them get to first base. Most men experience a high rejection rate that takes its toll on their egos. Prostitutes appear to offer a simple money-for-sex transaction, cutting out all the hard work, the games and the risk of rejection or ridicule. But the reality is cold, empty and meaningless, which is probably why he never repeated the experience. We all make mistakes - is your sexual history whiter than white? You should be grateful that he feels comfortable enough to tell you about it, and is an honest man, they are rare, and that is far more important than a mistake in his past that he clearly didn't want to repeat.


Q. I've bagged an incredibly good-looking man, but while the sight of him has me trembling, his bedroom performance is a real let-down. We've had sex six times but he hasn't touched me once - in fact, there's no foreplay from him at all; he just gets right down to it.

A. I don't know what's more outrageous - that he thinks he can get away with using you like his own right hand, or that you're allowing yourself to be screwed in more senses than one! You have a right to be treated as a sexual equal. If you lie there happy to be grateful for nothing, you give up the right to complain. No wonder good-looking men think they can get away with behaving badly if we're so willing to overlook things we'd never let less handsome men get away with. Show yourself more respect and you may find you start to command his!


Q. I'm rubbish at 'girl on top'. I can't get a rhythm going, my legs get tired or cramp up and I often get a shooting pain when the penis reaches the top of my vagina. Also, I get embarrassed when I'm being watched. I know men like it but I fall to pieces and feel stupid.

A. You're self-conscious and unsure - and calling yourself 'rubbish' will only make that worse. What makes you think being good on top is about having the ability to bounce up and down like a cowgirl on a bucking bronco? If you're comparing yourself to porn actresses, don't! Most of them are like muscle-bound Barbie dolls with retractable rubber limbs, whose only purpose is to please a man - they bear little resemblance to real women in terms of sexual performance. Try focusing on your pleasure rather than his - most men love this position because they get to watch you helping yourself to their bodies. If you're on top, you're in charge - move as slowly and as deeply as you want, and look into his eyes, you'll drive him wild!! If your legs start to ache then move, good sex thrives on variety, and that means positions, no position should make you ache, move around, use all the positions, and keep coming back to 'girl on top'. The variety will drive him just as wild!! :)




Q. My boyfriend and I had a fantastic sex life. He used to be dominant in bed, which I loved but the sex has gone downhill since he moved in with me. He says it's because I nag, but I nag because he's useless around the house. Its an awful situation.

A. Us girls talk about how we want tall, strong, sexy alpha males who will throw us over their shoulders and ravish us. AND we expect them to be caring metrosexual men who will vacuum without being asked. Good luck with that! Your sex life doesn't exist in a bubble away from the nagging. How's your man supposed to feel confident about mastering you in bed when he knows that you think he's useless? Living together changes relationship dynamics and it can take time to adjust. In the meantime, book a sexy weekend away in a hotel and remember why you wanted to live together in the first place! :)


Q. I love sex and I like to think I'm pretty good at it - I'm energetic, enthusiastic and extremely adventurous. So why is it that once I've slept with a guy I never see him again? I don't get it - I thought men were supposed to like uninhibited women!

A. Just like us, what men think they want and what they actually want can be worlds apart. The girl without inhibitions is in most men's top 10 sexual fantasies - she'll have sex with the light on, she walks around naked, she's not afraid to take charge, she's up for anything and she says what she wants. What's not to like? The reality is that a lot of men feel uncomfortable when they find themselves face to face with a woman as confident as you in bed - especially on a one night stand. Most men prefer to take the lead in bed initially - it makes them feel in control - and it sounds as though maybe you feel that way too. I know this is a bit 'out there' but have you tried getting to know a guy a little first? :)


Saturday, October 31, 2009

Q. According to my new boyfriend, he and his ex climaxed simultaneously every time they had sex, just through intercourse. I've never been able to come that way - and I always take ages. What if he's expecting me to be as easy to please?

A. It's possible that his ex's well timed orgasms were genuine, but then its also possible that an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite amount of time and Scrabble letters will write the novel War and Peace. The fact that anything's possible doesn't make it any less unlikely. Only a lucky 10% of women occasionally achieve a vaginal (G Spot) orgasm. You, me and the rest of womankind require our lovers to learn a little about the wondrous world of the clitoris. If he's disappointed with how you come, when he should be grateful he's getting sex at all, then send him on his way, and wish him luck - maybe he'll bump into those monkeys! :)


Q. I've always felt pretty good about sex but I've started seeing an older, more experienced woman and I've completely lost the plot. I'm too scared of looking stupid to even try to give her an orgasm and I'm find it really hard to come myself.

A. I bet you've also got a crick in your neck from looking up at her on that pedestal you've put her on - no wonder you're like a rabbit caught in the headlights. Take a deep breath, exhale slowly and get a grip. Your older, more experienced woman is choosing to have sex with you because she's attracted to you, so you've already got something right. Stop expecting so much from yourself. It takes time to build a sexual relationship with someone new and if she's as experienced as you say, she won't be expecting you to physically know all her needs in bed - she'll be expecting to teach you. Of course, that's if you're willing to learn - and we all love a trier! :)

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Q. What percentage of women actually ejaculate?

A. Not many women actually ejaculate, or 'squirt', it is incredibly difficult to do, however it is possible, and is a very pleasurable experience. Women are under alot of pressure to be multi orgasmic, and resemble porn stars, and sometimes wonder if this is just another 'trick' we have to perform in the bedroom. Its not. But if you ever want to try it with your understanding partner then please check out this video on Red Tube. Its fascinating to watch and is a 'How To' guide to ejaculation.

There is a link to this video on my other blog http://eroticmistress.blogspot.com/ but I'll put the link on here too, if you don't want to read anything other than this blog.

Don't expect miracles, and expect this to happen everytime you try, it really isn't that easy, but its good fun trying :)

Q. I have very protruding labia and I would like to get them removed but am unsure where to go to make sure it is done properly and if it is very expensive to get it done? I saw it on the TV once and am sure it is common.

This has been a problem for many years now and my partner has only performed oral sex on me twice in a year.

I have become very self conscious and embarrassed - it is causing undue stress in our sex life and we're losing the intimacy we so need. Please can you advise?

A. Please let me reassure you that having inner lips which protrude is perfectly normal. I'd generally say leave well alone, but you're obviously very troubled by this long-standing problem. Have you talked to your partner about your concerns? Maybe it has nothing to do with how your labia look - some guys just aren't into oral sex - regardless of whether your vulva has generous inner labia or everything is hidden.

Before going down the surgery route, do check out the Vulval Health Awareness Campaign website. You can see vulvas of all shapes and sizes on this helpful and informative site - which I think you'll find reassuring. They also have a helpline: 07765 947 599. If you still want to explore the possibility of reduction surgery (labiaplasty) it's essential to do your homework and find the best and most experienced surgeon possible. He should be a registered member of the GMC (General Medical Council) and also BAAPS (the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons).

The op can be carried out under general or local anaesthetic, it takes between one and two hours and you should choose to have it performed somewhere that's registered with the Healthcare Commission (the UK's health watchdog). The inner labia can be reshaped by scalpel or laser. Laser surgery is reputed to be more precise, with less downtime after the op (intercourse isn't recommended until 4-6 weeks after surgery whichever method is used).

Labiaplasty can cost anything between £1250 and £4000. BAAPS has an advice line 020 7405 2234 or go to the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons website. Also visit the cosmetic surgery pages on the Department of Health website where you'll find info on female genital reshaping.

Q. Can you tell me why, when I am ready to climax, I pass wind? I hate it and don't know what's causing it or how to stop it. Any ideas please?

A. I wonder if you’re talking about actually passing wind, or if you mean a queef - which is the odourless trapped air that can escape from your vagina during sex? Rest assured that although it sounds embarrassing, it’s quite normal!

You say it happens when you’re about to climax, and I suspect this is because that’s the moment when you’re completely letting go. Try avoiding doggie position for intercourse, or having your legs in the air, as these tend to let air into the vagina. Your partner should also avoid pulling right out and then thrusting deeply, for the same reason.

But if it is anal gas you mean, then steer clear of spicy or high-fibre foods that cause flatulence, along with carbonated drinks and chewing gum. Reduce the amount of fat in your diet, eat slowly so you don’t swallow too much air and try to go to the loo regularly - especially before making love.

It’s also worth running this by your GP, in case you may be suffering from a common condition called IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). Your doctor will also be able to advise you on the best tablets/medication for reducing wind.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Q. Every time we go out, my bloke stares at other women, as if hes searching for eye candy - with me there beside him! Other than this, we have a trusting relationship and I love him. Whenever I try to talk to him about this, he gets annoyed and says I'm overreacting. Am I? Or am I right to be upset?

A. It seems to me its not his roving eye that's the basic malfunction - its his reluctance to keep that roving eye in check, even though it upsets you. His overdoing of the flirty looks suggests his ego needs a little TLC. Talk to him - not about what he does that makes you feel bad - but about what he does that makes you feel wonderful. Also, try explaining that its precisely because you love him that his ogling distresses you, and ask him to stop. Be gentle and sincere, and don't accuse. You want his understanding this time, not a row!


Q. I lost my temper when my boyfriend didn't pick me up when he said he would (as I don't drive) and he texted me to say it was over. I don't want to lose him, as I love him so much, but he's now asked me if I'll still sleep with him. Friends say he just wants to use me and to forget him. What shall I do?

A. Believe me, I'm a friend, so I'll make this short and sweet. He just wants to use you. Forget him!! Learn to drive as soon as you can, then head off to fun places, where you can meet plenty of fun new people :)


Thursday, September 24, 2009

Q. My girlfriend bullies me in bed. She's like a sergeant major, barking orders all the time. I try to please her but she's so demanding, its demoralising. Why can't she let me take control now and again?

A. Ok, there's a thin line between assertive and bossy, but has it occurred to you that there is an equally thin line between accommodating and a wuss? :)

Most women want a confident, assertive lover who isn't afraid to take control, that's take control, not ask permission for it. Sex is a power game and if you want to play you have to be prepared to take a considered risk. Decide to play the game your way for once and let her know by being firm and clear with your instructions that you're in charge this time. Try tying her hands to the bed as a symbol of intent. If she keeps talking, occupy her mouth - I'm sure you'll come up with something! :)


Q. I'm having a cyber affair. It started out as harmless flirting but now I'm totally sexed up and addicted. My boyfriend's thrilled that our sex life is suddenly so great, but he doesn't know why. I'm not being unfaithful, so how come I feel so guilty?

A. Because to some degree you are being unfaithful and you realise that. Fidelity isn't just about keeping your hands out of someone else's pants, its a line we draw that separates how we behave with others and what we keep 'just between the two of us'. It can vary where that line is in all of us, but I'm guessing that what you're sharing with your screen buddy crosses your line. Guilt is our conscience speaking, ignore it and it just gets louder. If you discovered your man was having regular 'cyber sex' with a girl he met in a chat room, would you be happy?

I understand that its a sexy, new type of fun, but why keep it all to yourself? Do some sexy surfing together and get hot, without feeling guilty. There are lots of places to look for fun together.


Q. I have a high-sex drive but am not that experienced sexually. Whenever I have sex I find that I come pretty quickly, the first time. Subsequent times its a little better. Any advice, help on what I can do to improve? What is a normal length of time a man should last from the point of entering?


A. There is no 'normal' length of time for a man to be in a woman, what is 'normal' anyway?

Men I have personal experience of have ranged from a matter of a few seconds to several hours. Normal is a dreadful word, and we should always do what suits us and makes us feel good. If you're pleasing your partner before you enter her, then trust me she will not care how long you are in. However, if you are banging away for hours but not bothering with foreplay then she will be bored and, sorry to be blunt, sore!

Delay sprays genuinely do work if used properly, so that is an option. Can I recommend www.lovehoney.co.uk to find one. Read the reviews and pick a good one that is proven to work.

Also there is the squeeze technique that genuinely does work if you want to prolong your orgasm.

The Squeeze Technique

1. Begin sexual activity as usual, including stimulation of the penis, until you feel almost ready to ejaculate.

2. Have your partner squeeze the end of your penis, at the point where the head joins the shaft, and maintain the squeeze for several seconds, until the urge to ejaculate passes.

3. After the squeeze is released, wait for about 30 seconds, and then go back to foreplay. You may notice that squeezing the penis causes it to become less erect, but when sexual stimulation is resumed, it soon regains full erection.

4. If you again feel you're about to ejaculate, have your partner repeat the squeeze process.

Repeat this as many times as necessary, because you will reach the point of entering your partner without ejaculating. Remember practice makes perfect and after a few practice sessions, the feeling of knowing how to delay ejaculation will become a habit that no longer requires the squeeze technique.

Another possibility to prolong your performance is practicing while you are masturbating. When you feel the need to come then stop what you're doing. Also there are ways to control it while you are doing it yourself, by contracting your pelvic floor muscles. You will know which muscles they are if you try to stop yourself when you go to the toilet to pee. If you increase the number of times you contract and release them during the day (and you can do it while you are at work!) :) then you can control your orgasm too.

And lastly stop thinking about it, and how your performance is, because, as surprising as it sounds, women don't take note of these things, if they are satisfied, and you are a generous, considerate lover, then they won't notice how long you are in them. Trust me.

Friday, July 24, 2009

TalkSport listeners....

Just finished another show, would love to hear from any listeners who need their questions answered.

Feel free to email me direct, and I will do my best to help xxx

emdream4u@aol.com

xxxxx

Thanks for listening and joining in xx

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Q. I am a 56 year old man who was married until 12 years ago, when I was in an accident and had to have surgery for a back injury. Unfortunately my wife did not take to the change in my mobility circumstances and found somebody else after a while.

I can get a date to meet somebody once, but it seems to go no further. I presume they are put off by my having to use a walking stick. So my question is, how does a disabled man get a girlfriend? I have no sexual problems and enjoy sex. I am reasonably intelligent, I'm educated to university level and not bad looking. I'm friendly and easy to get on with, although a bit shy, but I seem to have no success at all.



A. Its a well known fact that women are not as shallow as men, and I can honestly say this is not an old wives tale. Disabled men find girlfriends all the time, and if you ask the girlfriend of any disabled man whether his disability is a problem, you can guarantee that they will say it never has been. Women do see past the surface, especially if the man is intelligent, sensitive, kind and considerate.

There are many men in this world who don't appreciate the female form, don't appreciate female qualities, and take their women for granted, treating them badly and with no respect. Women, therefore, are looking for more. They are looking to be treated well, to be spoiled, to be respected, to be worshipped, to be romanced and treasured. Any man can do that, disabled or not. Your disability will not get in the way of treating a woman right, and that is what you have to get across to your potential partner.

One huge piece of advice I need to give you is 'Be honest from the outset'. Don't suddenly throw it at your date the minute you meet her. Prepare the woman beforehand, even mention it in your profile, but most definitely in your first conversations. That way you will attract an understanding woman who is not shocked when she meets you. Something men don't seem to grasp is - Women appreciate honesty, complete honesty. We don't like surprises :)

If you want to try internet dating then by all means let me know and send me your profile so I can let you know if you're going wrong at all.

Meeting women doesn't seem to be a problem for you, but like you say, you can't get past the first date, so hopefully if you take my advice but also spend much longer getting to know someone before you meet, chances are you will last longer. I know this is probably not necessary too, but make sure your personal hygiene is spot on, make sure you treat her like a gent when you meet her, and make sure you don't try to push anything too fast, take everything at her pace, and chances are you shall get to date number two in no time. Those are the only reasons I've heard of for a woman not to want to get past the first date.

Let me know how you get on, I'd love to hear of your success, and if you need any more help please mail me xxx


Continuation...

Q. I seem to get all the shallow ones. I have met other men locally who their partners left after they developed a disability. When one has been married and in a relationship it is difficult to go back to quite a solitary life, since I don't have any children.

I have tried internet dating, such as Plentyoffish, but with limited success. I am sure that there are a lot of nice women out there, but I don't seem to meet them. I try to be as honest as I can, I dress smart casual and have a lot of interests and abilities. Do you think I should try to meet women older than me, who might be more appreciative and willing to accept my disability?

A. To be honest I suggest you try a site you have to pay for. Plentyoffish is a free site and as such attracts women who aren't really that serious. If you try a site they have had to pay for then chances are they are actually looking for someone, and genuinely interested. Its a good suggestion trying older, not because they will be grateful :) but because they will be far less shallow than younger ones, and companionship is more important than anything else :)
Q. I hope you can help.

I'm a young looking 44 yr old married man of 20 years, in a sexless marriage. The last time was about 6/7 years ago, I have a high libido and have no problems getting hard. I wank 2-3 times a day.

I love my wife dearly and would never leave her. She has suffered from depression for most of our marriage and has very low self esteem, despite the compliments and encouragement I give her.

She has always had a lower sex drive than me and would be happier without any pressure of sex , even though I would never pressure her. However this doesn't stop me fantasising about other women old or young and i miss the feel of a woman's soft skin touching the most intimate parts, sucking, kissing, licking, and the feel of my cock in a wet pussy. I often look at porn and masturbate to get my kicks but I would like to go the next step and meet someone for no string sex.

Can you give me some advice?


A. I totally understand your problem, and as a mistress I hear the same situation many times over. I feel very sorry for guys who are in a sexless relationship, because it is one of the most pleasurable experiences in the world, but as you say, when there is depression and low self esteem it is very difficult to kick start it. You clearly have a high sex drive, and to some women that will be a blessing and a god send. Wanking 2 - 3 times a day is perfectly normal and no matter how you manage to get yourself turned on, porn etc, it is a great way to take the pressure off your wife, however I do understand the need to feel soft skin and a womans breath, rather than just your hand.

I'm not sure of your financial situation and whether you want to pay for an encounter, either with a professional or on a website. Firstly I'll assume you don't want to pay for anything, and I can suggest a website called
www.adultfriendfinder.co.uk. It allows you to browse profiles and send winks and message a limited number of people a day. It also has free webcams for you to look at, which might help with the masturbating before you actually find someone to meet. I suggest you don't hide that you are married, and you will be surprised how many women are fine with that, so long as you are upfront and honest about it.

Secondly, if your finances allow it, I can highly recommend the dating site I use, and a lot of men are finding hugely successful in finding a suitable partner who understands the situation, and the essential discretion. The site is called
www.illicitencounters.co.uk. It is specifically for married men looking for a mistress and a discreet relationship. I'm pretty sure you will find someone on there.

And thirdly, if your finances also allow it, I can suggest a professional encounter, if you're not too offended by me saying it, because that guarantees absolutely no complications, no problems with emotions being involved, and of course no way your wife will ever find out. There are many good sites on the internet, depending on where you are based, and if you need any help with this then feel free to mail me back. I would however, initially, suggest looking on dating sites to see if you can find someone suitable who is sympathetic to your situation.

I really hope my advice has helped, and please don't feel guilty about your feelings and needing to look elsewhere, after 7 years it is perfectly acceptable. I feel sorry for the situation your wife is in, but it is very hard to be understanding indefinitely. You are a healthy male with a sex drive that needs satisfying. If you're sensible, discreet and careful there is no reason why you can't satisfy those needs elsewhere without anyone getting hurt.

I wish you lots of luck finding what you need, and please let me know how it goes.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Q. I recently started sleeping with a married man who has two children and another on the way. He says the marriage has been very bad for a long time and he's wanting to leave soon. I've heard him on the phone to his wife and it didn't sound good so I left him to it and went outside. I love him so much. Will anything ever come of it? Will he ever leave?

A. In short - No! Whenever we eavesdrop on phone conversations we only hear one side of the conversation. If he knew you were around he was hardly going to sound loved up with her was he? For all you knew, after you left the room, he could have apologised for being rude to her, and blamed the pressures of work. He is playing you and playing her. If you could control your emotions and not love him then it could work for you too, but unfortunately you've crossed the line and fallen for him, and we are all capable of doing that.


I date married men, everyone knows that, and I manage to control my emotions, but you need to see the bottom line here, and it may well hurt to read it. He is a father of two and one on the way. If his marriage is so bad, and he hates her so much, and he wishes he wasn't there, then why is there one on the way? You do know where babies come from don't you?


I'm sorry if it sounds blunt but you're better off elsewhere, married men have affairs, married men sometimes leave, but its rare. He won't leave as long as there's a reason to stay there, and another baby may well be the reason he needs. He's enjoying the adoration he gets from you, but he has still managed to get his wife pregnant, so maybe its not as bad as he makes out. Sooner or later the penny will drop, enjoy the fun while it lasts, but I suggest you start to distance your feelings if that's possible. I know how difficult it is when you're in love, but for your own sake, its best to face the reality of an affair.


When its good, its very very good, but when its dishonest its horrid :(

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Q. I love my man dearly and we have great sex - until it comes to penetration. I never cum that way with him and I know its because he's a bit on the small side.

A. If his part is, er, compact, then try the 'scissor position' for maximum penetration sensation. Lie on your side with one leg raised in the air (see where the name comes from?), then get him to kneel either side of the flat leg and enter you. He can either lean on one arm, or not support himself, and that leaves his hands free to stimulate other parts of you, stroking your leg or playing with your clit at the same time. That way he's not just relying on his penis to give you pleasure. Remind yourself that most women don't cum from penetration alone. Great sex is about much more and a mini-manhood has its advantages - like easier oral sex :)

Monday, May 18, 2009

Q. My boyfriend is actually too considerate in bed. He fiddles about so much, nibbling me on the neck and taking ages to enter me when I just want to get down to it.

A. The solution? Surprise him by taking the initiative. Next time you see him jump start the sex, be ready and waiting in sexy underwear, push him on the bed and rip his shirt open. Pull his zip down and get to work on him. Being on top shows him you enjoy 'action', but you must get him to join in too. Ask him to play with your nipples, to kiss you harder, to take what he wants. The trick is to heat things up in whatever way possible but not make him feel like Barry Boring when it comes to sex by complaining about it. If you don't let him dictate the lovemaking style all the time, he should soon get the message, and might actually enjoy the occasional quickie.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Q.

My lover and I are having a fantastic time, or so I thought. He loves to see me, and tries so hard to get away from his wife. Its great fun, we have lots of laughs and lots of sex. We are new to this so we are still getting used to each other. When we first got together I told him I'd played with a woman many moons ago. I'd had a 4 some with my partner at the time. I didn't think anything was wrong with being honest and open about my sexuality but I'm wishing I hadn't mentioned it now. He seems obsessed with it, its all he can talk about and now, when we get together, he's pushing me to find another woman or couple to play with. I know he's never done it and wants to try it, but its getting boring now, its like I'm not enough!

Help!!


A.

OH my, men and their fantasies, and when a woman is open and honest enough to tell about these things they have to obsess about it. Give them an inch....... ! :)

Anyway, if you're not in a rush to do this, or anything else you may have discussed, you have to tell him. He has to be patient with you. There are a million things you can do together before you start introducing new people into your relationship. I can understand, as he is married, that he has probably been experiencing fairly boring sex for a very long time, and a new, exciting mistress who is open and adventurous will be blowing his mind, and it can become addictive. However, he needs to respect your wishes and respect your boundaries, and understand that good things come to those who wait.

A 4 some can be great fun, and men do love the idea. They love the idea of a 3 some even more because then its 'all about him', but if you're not ready for either of those then tell him. He will not be able to shake that image from his head because its something he's been dreaming of for well over half of his life but if he doesn't respect your wishes, or is not satisfied by what you both currently do, then you might need to rethink your relationship. Ask him to not talk about it so much, if he's turned on by the thought of it then that's ok, and its flattering knowing he's thinking of you (and whoever) and its arousing him, but thinking about it and talking about it/doing it are completely different things.

In time, who knows what might happen and what you might want to do, but certainly in the initial rush of excitement he should be concentrating on you, not trying to include everyone he can think of :)

If you're open and honest enough to tell him about this in the first place, then I'm pretty sure you're open and honest enough to tell him to shut up until you bring the subject up again!

Good luck with it and you know where I am if it doesn't work. I'll have a word with him :)

Friday, April 17, 2009

Q.

I found a blog written by a very sexy and confident lady a while ago and posted some comments on posts she'd written. She seemed to find my comments of interest and also started to visit my own blog. After a while we swapped emails and well, one thing led to another and we spoke to each other on the phone. That was great - we got on like old friends. The conversations were easy, and very broad. Right from the first time we spoke. We met for a drink, and she was as sexy, attractive and fun in person as she had seemed to be in our earlier contacts.We met for another drink which ended with a prolonged spell of finding out if we liked the way we kissed. (we did ). We met a third time and enjoyed a rather different, but fun illicit experience. We seemed to be very much on the same wavelength about so much.

I'm married but an experienced philanderer, she's single and an experienced mistress and it felt like we could share some exciting adventures together. But I screwed it up. I had communication problems and made mistakes in how I responded to her valid criticism of my behaviour in not making more of an effort to let her know. It's the chat I miss the most, although that evening we spent together did whet my appetite for other things too, it's still the chat I miss.

Is there anything you can suggest I might do in order to restore her belief in me as 'one of the good guys'?

A.

It seems you messed up royally, and if she is an experienced mistress she will have come across this behaviour before. That usually means she will tolerate far less in the poor communication stakes. Men who date women who are experienced, confident, sexy, self assured and 'in demand' should always remember, no matter how high an opinion they have of themselves, they are usually easily replaced by a man equally interesting, charming and attractive. This in turn should then encourage them not to mess up or think good and hard about the consequences of their actions.

We all know a woman, as you describe, is a rarity on the Internet, they are not around every corner, therefore they should be treasured and effort should always be put in.

Maybe she wasn't as into you as you thought.
Maybe she had better offers from guys who put more effort in.
Maybe she decided she didn't have to put up with poor communication.
Maybe you assumed far too much about her and what you thought she needed.
Maybe you tried too hard and didn't listen to what she was saying and made it all about you.


On this occasion I think maybe you should assume that it has gone, that she has moved on with a man putting his back into it, that she probably hasn't got time for anything other than chat and, regardless of whether you are a 'good guy' or not, it would never be more than chat. There are lots of men out there who are 'good guys' and its very easy to be put back on the subs bench if you're not making enough effort in the game. Also men don't realise it but it is easy to push women further away if he tries too hard. Men seem to assume that, if they try to solve things after they have messed up, the woman is going to be needy enough to forgive and forget at the first sign of an apology. But women don't forget easily, and they don't HAVE to put up with poor behaviour.

Mail her sometime if you feel you really should, but don't expect miracles, don't expect things as they were, and don't push a woman into feeling obliged to be friends just because you're missing her.

I hope this helps you.



Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Q.

I started an affair 3 months ago, before we met he was all over me, he was texting me constantly, calling me every day, trying to see me, pushing to rush things, and all I wanted was to meet him. We managed to arrange it and when we met it was amazing. We had a fantastic time, he booked the hotel, we had dinner, we had drinks, we had lovely kisses and great sex. Then the texts and calls started to calm down, he was busy. The second time we met a month later was just as good but he arranged for it to be at my place, we had great sex as soon as he arrived and I cooked. I didn't mind, I like to spoil a man, but it didn't feel the same. The texts and calls dropped to one or two a week, he was busy. The third time we met a month later he was 'passing on business' and popped in for a couple of hours. We had sex and he left. I felt so cheap after and it didn't feel like I was the princess he'd promised I'd always be. Why has he changed?

A.

Sorry to say but he changed because he could. He's wanting a home from home. He's showing you no respect by treating you like that. If you can't speak up and tell him its not right then its better you walk away and find another man who can treat you well. Its not about big dinners, hotels and presents, but it is about respect and decency, and not making you feel bad. Relationships are difficult, especially at the beginning, trying to work out where the boundaries are and what keeps each other happy, but he doesn't have to treat you like a doormat, and you don't have to feel bad.

Stay in this if you're happy, if you can absolutely say you're happy about the situation, and he's so amazing that you can't live without him, but the fact he has made you feel uncomfortable with things after only your third date means you need to shake your head and refocus on what you really want from this. Tell him if you're unhappy, and what makes you unhappy, he may well do the same with you, in which case you will learn more about him. But if this man is capable of disrespecting you so soon, imagine what it will be like in another 6 months?

You are a catch, you are the one who has several men interested in you, he should be thrilled that you're willing to tolerate his situation, so he should be the one making the effort for you. No effort, no point.

Anything that doesn't make you smile all the time should be addressed, smiling is better than frowning. Leave the frowning and the frown lines to his wife, and smile because you are fabulous :)

When you realise that, and he realises that, maybe the respect will be there, or you will have moved on to someone else who knows how to treat your fabulous self!

Q.

I'm having problems maintaining an erection with my wife, she is still sexy, but our sex life is incredibly dull, feeling like a duty, and because of that I can't stay hard. All the time I'm thinking of my mistress who is beautiful, amazingly sexy, and great fun to be with, but the guilt is causing me problems. I feel guilty because I'm cheating on my wife, but I also feel guilty cheating on my mistress with my wife. What can I do to solve the problem?

A.

This is a tough one, and I completely understand where the problem may lie. Women can fake arousal but men can't. I sympathise with any man who is having an erection problem, its very difficult to hide.

There are many things you can do to solve this, although some of my answers will be controversial and may well cause readers to wince a little.

If you're having a problem maintaining an erection with your wife but not with your mistress then at least we have established this is not a medical problem, which would have been my first solution.

If you don't find your wife as sexy as you did is it possible to think of your mistress while you are with your wife? Apparently 70% of men (and women!) think of other people or other scenarios or fantasise while they are having sex with their partners, so you're no different, its not illegal and if it helps the situation and also gives your wife the reassurance that you are still turned on by her.

When a wife knows her husband is turned on by her (regardless of what is going on in his head) she is more confident to step it up a gear, to try harder and to loosen up a little. Encourage her to try new things, start talking to her again about your sex life, suggest new things you have never tried, or reintroduce things that you used to do when you were younger. She might be just as bored with your sex life as you are. In the process you are encouraging her to try harder, you are trying harder, and the ultimate result is she is sexier and you are harder.

Have you tried Viagra or some other stimulant? If you're having problems maintaining your erection because of something psychological, is it worth calling on the help of the medical profession (or the Internet) for some magic blue pills to see if that helps. It may well get you over your immediate problem, which will end up being a huge issue if you don't nip it in the bud now. Your mind is a powerful thing, it is capable of killing an erection just by the fear of having it happen! Overpower your mind with chemicals and your mind might get the hint that its not ruling your cock from now on.

And lastly, at the risk of sounding heartless, have less sex with your wife? If she's not turning you on, and you feel like its a duty, then is it really worth even going through the motions. Is she doing the same? Is it a duty for her? Maybe she's doing it because she feels she has to, if you took the pressure off both of you, and told her you no longer needed it, then you wouldn't have the guilt and the fear causing your lack of erection.

Let me know how it goes, and which option you try. And feel free to contact me again with any more issues
.
Q.

I am the husband, married for 27 years, bored, miserable, the usual story. I love my wife dearly but I am missing the thrill that I had all those years ago. My problem seems to be having the bottle to look for someone new, having the confidence to do so and knowing where to look. I'd love to hear how guys usually find their new lover, or their balls!

A.

After many years of dating married men, I have found them in various different places. If a man is sure he wants to have an affair, and has thought about his circumstances and if he can actually fit another woman into his life, then he is ready to take the first step.

Firstly - Having the bottle - If you have got as far as looking on the Internet for subjects relating to affairs then you clearly have put a lot of thought into it. The fact that you are considering it and actively starting to look (or find where to look) means you are on the road. You're certainly not still in the garage unable to start the engine. You're moving and heading towards your first affair. As a newbie then you will need some serious advice to make sure you don't get caught, and ensure you find the right woman. Have a good think about exactly what you need and why you need it, is it the emotional connection you're missing, the friendship or plain and simple, the sex? Then of course you can email me again for more advice.

Secondly - Having the confidence to look elsewhere - The fact that you're not sitting in your shed shaking but you are considering an affair means you clearly have some self confidence. You will be surprised when you start looking around, women are not as shallow as men, they are not 'looks obsessed', they appreciate many more qualities and see past the initial exterior view.

Naturally its better for you if you're not looking like Neanderthal man, hairy, knuckles dragging on the floor, smelling like you bathe once a year, and grunting at every opportunity, but I assume in this day and age men like that are a dying breed :)

Think about what qualities you liked or loved about yourself when you first met your wife, about how you were many years ago. You're still the same person inside. You might have spread a little round the middle, you may have become a grumpy old man, but inside you're still the exciting, passionate, enthusiastic, vibrant man you used to be, with a love of music, or a passion for sports, or even a dreamer who likes to lie in fields on a summers day making pictures from the clouds. Whatever your qualities are, some of them, if not all of them, will be attractive to women. Work on them, fine tune them, and remember the man you used to be.

Most of all - BE A GENTLEMAN - Women will kill for that :)

Thirdly - Where to find it - Never stray too close to home - or shit on your own doorstep, as I like to call it :) Don't look for a lover at work - too complicated, or amongst your circle of friends - too dangerous, or within 10 miles of your house (at least) - too risky.

Look somewhere like the Internet - http://www.illicitencounters.co.uk/ - is definitely one of the best available, for serious affairs, flings, no strings attached fun etc. But make sure you follow their tips about how to fill in your profile and how to stay safe.

Other options include other dating websites available on the net, it all depends on your budget, but one thing I can't stress enough is make sure you're honest. Don't hide behind a person you'd like to be, because when it comes to meeting for real, women can spot a fake a mile off and that's just a wasted journey for everyone.

Be yourself, be confident and be positive.

She's out there for you, trust me, I'm a mistress :)