Q.

I'm having problems maintaining an erection with my wife, she is still sexy, but our sex life is incredibly dull, feeling like a duty, and because of that I can't stay hard. All the time I'm thinking of my mistress who is beautiful, amazingly sexy, and great fun to be with, but the guilt is causing me problems. I feel guilty because I'm cheating on my wife, but I also feel guilty cheating on my mistress with my wife. What can I do to solve the problem?

A.

This is a tough one, and I completely understand where the problem may lie. Women can fake arousal but men can't. I sympathise with any man who is having an erection problem, its very difficult to hide.

There are many things you can do to solve this, although some of my answers will be controversial and may well cause readers to wince a little.

If you're having a problem maintaining an erection with your wife but not with your mistress then at least we have established this is not a medical problem, which would have been my first solution.

If you don't find your wife as sexy as you did is it possible to think of your mistress while you are with your wife? Apparently 70% of men (and women!) think of other people or other scenarios or fantasise while they are having sex with their partners, so you're no different, its not illegal and if it helps the situation and also gives your wife the reassurance that you are still turned on by her.

When a wife knows her husband is turned on by her (regardless of what is going on in his head) she is more confident to step it up a gear, to try harder and to loosen up a little. Encourage her to try new things, start talking to her again about your sex life, suggest new things you have never tried, or reintroduce things that you used to do when you were younger. She might be just as bored with your sex life as you are. In the process you are encouraging her to try harder, you are trying harder, and the ultimate result is she is sexier and you are harder.

Have you tried Viagra or some other stimulant? If you're having problems maintaining your erection because of something psychological, is it worth calling on the help of the medical profession (or the Internet) for some magic blue pills to see if that helps. It may well get you over your immediate problem, which will end up being a huge issue if you don't nip it in the bud now. Your mind is a powerful thing, it is capable of killing an erection just by the fear of having it happen! Overpower your mind with chemicals and your mind might get the hint that its not ruling your cock from now on.

And lastly, at the risk of sounding heartless, have less sex with your wife? If she's not turning you on, and you feel like its a duty, then is it really worth even going through the motions. Is she doing the same? Is it a duty for her? Maybe she's doing it because she feels she has to, if you took the pressure off both of you, and told her you no longer needed it, then you wouldn't have the guilt and the fear causing your lack of erection.

Let me know how it goes, and which option you try. And feel free to contact me again with any more issues.