Monday, November 23, 2009

Q. A year ago I caught my partner looking at porn and he said he was sorry. But it felt like he had cheated on me. Then I recently found he was doing it again. He apologised, saying he could see how it made me feel, and promised not to do it again. But I don't trust him and its causing rows. He says men don't look at porn the way women do.

A. In general, porn is one area where the sexes separate. If you think of a secure, loving relationship - such as the one with your man - as a night out, porn is the kebab at the end of it that men find hard to resist. He says when he uses porn that it's really no threat to you. He's tried to tell you that a man's reaction to porn is different to yours. These women he is looking at will never be part of his life, he will never meet any of them, so you really have no reason to be jealous. If he is considerate and a decent man in the rest of your relationship, then his 'hobby' shouldn't threaten you. Unless the idea is utterly repellent, why not look at it with him? Some of it is quite interesting, it could turn into a sexy adventure, you could learn more about each other and what turns you both on, and it would also help you understand his viewpoint and defuse your jealousy.


  1. I think your advice is exactly right. We both know why.


  2. Speaking as a man, you're spot on! When porn does become dangerous is if he starts looking at some way out stuff (e.g. gratuitously violent) or truly illegal stuff (e.g. children)