Friday, May 4, 2012

Q.   I recently found out that my husband was a womaniser in his past.  We ran into some of his old friends who were teasing him about being married and that he used to be such a 'man about town'.  I asked him what they meant by it and he eventually admitted that he'd slept with more than 100 women.  I'm shocked because this doesn't fit with my perception of him and I'm not sure how to handle it.

A.   It's normal to feel betrayed in this situation and think 'What else has he lied about or omitted to tell me?'  But it's important to remember that he hasn't actually lied to you and I suspect the only reason he didn't tell you about is past is that he's ashamed and thought you might judge him for it.  So what if he was a womaniser?  This is what he did before he met you.  It's how he's behaved since that matters.  I'm assuming, of course, that he practised safe sex and you both got tested for STIs before ditching the condoms.  Having said all this, you do need to talk this through so it doesn't fester.  Ask him, as calmly as possible, why he didn't mention this before or at least hint that he'd had lots of women.  We all have secrets we're not proud of and we're all capable of changing.  We had every opportunity to choose any of those 100 women to spend his life with.  He chose you. Be flattered, not hurt or upset.

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