Q. I finished with my man recently because other girls were always flirting with him, laughing at his jokes and so on. I know I shouldn't have let it, but it made me jealous. He said they were just friends and that he really loved me. I still want to be with him. What should I do?

A. Here's a general rule from my collection - jealousy generally comes from insecurity. If you don't feel lovable, you can't believe he loves you. Develop reasons to be proud of yourself; love being you and be sure that a man worth having will love being with you. Make plans for your future career and education. Meanwhile, flirt with this guy too - and laugh at his jokes if they're funny. But let him do the running. If he doesn't run, then he never loved you, and you know exactly where you stand.

Q. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and, although he 'ticks all the boxes', I don't have butterflies when I see him. Is this important? Am I being silly?

A. It's interesting how many times we decide on a partner based on the 'shoulds' of society, rather than our instincts. Having said that, love is something you have to work at - it doesn't just fall into your lap. In your case, there are two things you need to do. First, be honest with yourself. Are the boxes your boyfriend 'ticks' yours or are they what others think is right for you? If those ticks are things that seem good on paper but aren't important to you, maybe you're not getting butterflies for a good reason. If, on the other hand, you value who he is, maybe it's about working on the romance. The second thing you need to do is speak to him. Make a plan to be more spontaneous and try to inject some passion. If there are still no flutters, maybe this relationship is meant to be platonic.

Q. I love sex but I hate penetration. I force myself to do it for the sake of my boyfriend, but girl-on-top is exhausting, missionary makes me claustrophobic and doggy style makes me feel like, well, a dog!

A. Having your lover inside you should be an intimate experience, but faking it makes it a chore for you - no wonder you hate it. It sounds like a technique issue but you're not giving either of you a chance to make it better. How would he feel if he knew? Betrayed? Foolish? Lied to? Be honest with him - buy a copy of 100 Hot Sex Positions or The Complete Manual of Sex Positions for tips on different options and see if you can find a better way. Intercourse isn't the be all of good sex, but faking it is definitely the end all.

Q. I've been with my girlfriend for less than two years and we're already having old-married-couple sex. I've suggested we try bondage or watching porn together, but she made me feel like a pervert for even asking. This is my longest relationship - is this just what happens?

A. The crazy ripping-each-other's-clothes-off part of a sexual relationship usually lasts about a year (it rarely lasts more than two). But, by that point, you should know each other well enough to begin working on deeper and more intimate lovemaking - the kind that means taking risks and daring to introduce new things. It sounds as though you're doing the right thing, but I wonder if you're going about it in the right way. 'Hey, couldn't we spice things up a little?' could sound a lot like, 'Sex with you is really dull', if said in the wrong tone of voice. So, she might be feeling defensive - or maybe she's just nervous. Either way, a relationship that stands still is a stagnant one. Eventually you'll either move forward or move on.

Q. My boyfriend of three years tells me he loves me, but doesn't show me any affection. I might be misinterpreting things, as he isn't very touchy-feely. How can I tell if he does or doesn't like me?

A. This is a difficult conversation so instead of telling him what he's not doing you need to nudge him towards what you want him to do. He's told you that he loves you and some men see touch as strictly part of the sexual ritual rather than a signal of affection and reassurance. Instigate things gradually, such as hand holding while you're out, or clinging to his bicep if he takes his hand away (pretending your high heels mean you need to hold on for balance is a good excuse). Sit on the same sofa when you are watching TV or a movie, instead of far apart, lean on him, or gently cuddle him. And asking for shoulder massages or back rubs when you're sitting alone sometimes works, he might just need some encouragement to touch you. Tell him you enjoy this while he's doing it, but don't suddenly instigate massive cuddles while you're out as he's clearly not a tactile bloke. If all else fails, talk to him, tell him what you love, and he might just get the hint.

Q. My boyfriend and I rarely sleep together. I told him he's never made me orgasm and he's devastated. We want to work through this but don't know where to start. Is it me?

A. Try exploring masturbation on your own. Discovering if you enjoy vaginal or clitoral stimulation (or both) can help. Many women orgasm during sex through other stimulation but not during intercourse, and some don't orgasm every time. Explore on your own - and together - what feels pleasurable, with no aim of having an orgasm. This removes the pressure from you and him. Also, try looking to see if there are any other factors in your life that are stopping you getting in the mood.

Q. My long-term boyfriend from school went to visit his friends who are at Uni and said he feels like he's missing out on a single life. He said he wanted to be with other girls, but doesn't want to lose me. What should we do?

A. Your man won't be the first person to be seduced by the excitement of student life although he's probably not in a hurry to start writing essays and revising for exams. He's got an over-the-top taste of 'the single life' but it may just be a sign that you both need to get a bit of 'me time' out of the relationship. At the start of relationships, many couples spend all their time with each other. Since you've been together a long time you both might have missed out on the single life a little. Have a chat with him and see what he actually wants and needs and have a look at what you want too. It may be that you both need to widen your circles of friends individually and as a couple. Just because two people are together it doesn't mean you have to block out the world. Neither does it mean you have to be party animals. There's a lot of middle ground that you can explore together, so talk about it.

Q. Most women usually worry about taking too long to reach orgasm but I climax after about two minutes of intercourse. Afterwards, my clitoris is too sensitive to carry on, so I have to take a break, which I think irritates my boyfriend, but I can't stop myself. Am I weird?

A. Most women need 10 to 30 minutes of foreplay to reach orgasm with a partner - and many can't cum at all during intercourse - so you belong to a smaller category of women, orgasmically speaking. But you're not weird at all and you're certainly not alone. Tell him to avoid your clitoris completely until you're both ready for you to climax, and find other erogenous zones he can turn his attention to (the back of the knees, buttocks, inner forearms, nipples etc). Try having intercourse from behind (minimising clitoral stimulation) and try using your hand or mouth to bring him closer to his orgasm first. But honestly, most women like to have a break after orgasm. If he says he has a problem with you needing a breather then it's just that - his problem! You need to find a solution together, but if all else fails, start stimulating him again as soon as he has ejaculated and see how quickly he stops you!

Q. I'm struggling to get over someone I was seeing purely for sex. I moved to another city but we kept in touch through texts. Then I lost my phone and we had no contact until I moved back home - we met once in the street and he barely acknowledged me. I think about him constantly. I have plenty of other friends but I only want to be with him.

A. To see a guy 'purely for sex' is like seeing him purely because you like his aftershave. And that suggests any other guy using the same brand would do as well. Of course he missed you - he missed seeing you for sex. When the texts stopped, he figured you'd moved on. Try posting him a letter, or email - but don't overdo it; tell him simply you miss his company, his jokes (if he made them) and his friendship. He could be as pleasantly surprised as you were to find out that you care for more than his aftershave. But if a man is in something 'just for sex' chances are he will have moved on as quickly as he assumed you did. Be warned though, it could well be a case of not getting the response you hoped for.

Q. My boyfriend and I get along well, except for his jealousy. He gets worked up over the smallest things - my being out with friends, getting in late from work, or when he thinks guys are looking at me. I'm finding it hard to cope.

A. Jealousy is to do with self-esteem, trust and respect - and unless these are addressed, it's unlikely the relationship will progress in a healthy way. Ask him why he thinks you'd cheat on him - if he's had bad experiences with women in the past, reassure him that you're not the same as them, but explain it's not fair he takes it out on you. Then talk about what you can do to help him with his jealousy. Maybe you could call him when you're going to be at work late? Don't be too accommodating though. Trust and respect for each other are essential. Agree to try this for a month and then talk. That way, you'll both feel like you're taking control of the problem.

Q. I love my girlfriend but our sex life has gone stale. I want us to try sex parties but I'm worried she'll think it's just an excuse for me to have sex with other women. All I want is for us to try something exciting and new - together. How should I broach the subject?

A. How? Think bomb-disposal expert in full-protective gear approaching a suspect package! The results are likely to be explosive - even if she likes the idea. Lots of couples manage it but it's a huge risk to take with your relationship if you've never talked about it before. It's easy to get caught up in the fantasy of it all but have you thought how you might feel watching her writhe in ecstasy with another man inside her? Or that she might never get that image of you with another girl out of her head? Are things so bad you're willing to stake your relationship? Start a little less ambitiously by taking turns to tell your fantasies to each other. Do it in a public place (not too public - you don't want to get arrested) so your desire doesn't interrupt the story. Start a fantasy book, so you can flick to a page and play out a scenario. Try playing in different places, other than the bedroom (outside, in the kitchen, in the garden etc). Sex goes stale when we stop trying - a little effort goes a long way.

Q. I'm in love with a gay man. We did have a snog once even though he insisted there was nothing in it. Can I change his mind?

A. Well, maybe if you change yourself a bit first. Like your hair and your clothes. Oh, and your entire chromosomal make up. Face it girl, the guy is gay. No matter how many times he says: 'If I were straight, you're the woman I'd fancy' it's not going to change the fact that he isn't. That doesn't mean that he isn't flattered that you find him irresistible - hell, I'm flattered when next door's cat singles me out for attention, but it'll never be any more than that. So you had a snog? Maybe he was drunk, maybe he was lonely, maybe he needed the practice, or he was curious. Who knows? The only thing I know is that you're wasting your time. If it was his wardrobe you wanted to change, or his hairdo, I'd say give it a go. But his sexuality? No chance. Don't sentence yourself to years of Saturday nights at gay discos full of boys who are prettier than you. Accept this man as your friend and move on.

Q. When my boyfriend tells me he loves me I always say 'I love you' back. But I don't know if I do. How can I tell?

A. I often get asked this question by people brought up on a diet of photo-love stories and Barbara Cartland - they tend to view love as a big hole in the road. One minute you're walking innocently along thinking about the price of potatoes and the next, wham! You've fallen straight in it. Truth is, love is less like a pothole, more like porridge. Bear with me on this. Remember the old advert where the children who ate Ready Brek had a warm glow that stayed with them all through the most freezing of days? Think of love as a warm, protective, but invisible blanket that makes crappy things seem not quite so crappy.

Now imagine your boyfriend is your blanket. Imagine taking him off. If you feel shivery and cold, it's love. If you feel liberated and free, it's not. And if you think I'm off my rocker wittering on about porridge and holes in the road when all you wanted was the answer to a simple question, remember, it's not a simple question, and there is no answer.

Q. I love my boyfriend but he's always grabbing at my bits. He says it's affection but I feel harassed. When I try to stop him, he laughs and does it more. He even does it in public. I try to stay out of his reach but then he sulks.

A. Affection is an expression of love - touching you against your will is sexual harassment. He's being a bully - either because he's an insensitive idiot who needs to grow up or a dangerous control freak who sees you as his plaything. What would happen if you went to grab his bits? Would he be angry or laugh and see your point? When a man uses his strength to overpower or intimidate a woman - even playfully - he's issuing a very clear message, 'I'm in charge'. Decide who you want to be in charge of you and act accordingly.

Q. I'm sick of having to make the first move with my girlfriend.... and the second, and the third. She wants me to do everything while she just lies there. It's all on her terms and it's her way or no way. What about me?

A. Good question! Until you ask it, nothing will change. So what about you? Why have you been so willing to let her get away with it? Don't you deserve a good seeing to as well? You can't really blame her for lapping up your attention when you keep giving it. Talk to her, be clear that the sex is too one-sided and you need her to be more active. Don't assume it's because she's lazy or doesn't care - she might feel too shy to take control. Also, it could be that you want more sex than she does, in which case you might have to wait for her to get horny enough.... then she'll get the ball rolling.

Q. Having orgasms with a boyfriend never used to be a problem. But now I hardly ever get there with my new man. I was single for two years and watched porn to meet my needs. Has it ruined me?

A. Our main sex organ is the brain. It can be trained to trigger an orgasmic response to sexual stimuli. You've been relying on one way for a while, so you need to retrain yourself. Porn focuses the brain on one thought - your orgasm. It's a quick search for the perfect image - then, wham! Sex with a person means having to consider more. We're not in charge of our orgasm; we trust someone to do it for us. Give yourself (and him) time to adjust. And stop masturbating until you find your relationship mojo.

Q. I want fiery, passionate sex but my boyfriend's all feathery kisses and lingering looks. I hate it! I have to shut my eyes to hide how angry I am. I've hinted at wanting more but he's not getting it. Why can't he act more like a man?

A. Definition 167 - Man: strong and demanding, in control and unafraid to take what's his. Simultaneously sensitive enough to pick up on subtle clues given by silently furious women. Come on! No wonder men look like rabbits in headlights when asked what women want. Why are you leaving it to him to decide what sex you have? What's stopping you taking the lead? Despite what you think about gender roles, it's not his job to guess and deliver. A relationship is created together. If you don't like it, it's half your job to change it into something you do.

Q. No matter how hard I try, I can't cum when I'm with a woman. My last girlfriend thought I didn't fancy her, and then dumped me, so I've been faking it ever since. I really want to sort it out but where do I start?

A. Honestly, you men - you're so ejaculation-focused. If there were no point to sex without orgasm, you'd have trouble finding a woman to fake it with because, for this half of the population, orgasms aren't taken for granted. Stop fixating on the problem. What thoughts make you cum when you're masturbating? Are they 'I must cum?' Didn't think so. Try concentrating on the woman you're with. Not only will it take your mind off your orgasm but she'll also feel satisfied whether you cum or not. This situation will pass when you allow it to. Stop stressing; there's nothing wrong with you.

Q. When I first became single, I thought I'd enjoy seeing different men without getting involved. But as soon as I've had sex with a man, I start thinking about him all the time - even if I'm not that interested. Why can't I have no-strings sex like men do?

A. Women aren't biologically impelled to have sex with as many different men as possible. We are, instead, psychologically hard-wired to become attached to a sexual partner - in case he impregnates us. The struggle for equal rights is about having choices, and just because a woman can sleep with anyone she likes doesn't mean she has to. If one-night stands don't suit you, don't have them. By the way, men don't get away with no-strings sex either - they're left feeling just as empty as we are. Try having flirtatious fun without having sex. It's just as delicious but doesn't leave you feeling vulnerable afterwards. Move things slowly and tell him you're doing that. Give it up when you are sure you both want the same thing. If he's not prepared to wait then he was never going to be the man for you.

Q. I've been seeing a man for a month and we're good together. We've talked about his family and his friends, yet he never got round to mentioning his girlfriend - I heard about her from a friend. Should I wait it out, confront him or back off?

A. You expect me to say 'back off' but I'm not going to. Apparently this man is interested in making you like him and not just making you another notch on his bedpost. Chances are, a man who needs to share his thoughts and history is genuinely unhappy at home. His pleasure in talking to you suggests something may have gone cold between him and his girlfriend; he's not quite on the rebound but he'd like to be. Tell him face-to-face that you've discovered he has a girlfriend. Listen calmly, watch him closely and use your head, not just your heart. Then proceed slowly.

Q. I love going down on my girlfriend and she says she enjoys it too but after a few minutes she always stops me. I really want to be able to make her cum with my tongue because it really turns me on - why won't she let me?

A. It could be that your technique is OK but not quite what she needs to orgasm. She might be lying to you about enjoying it, or she might not believe that you really want to be 'down there'. I get mail from women who don't enjoy oral sex because they feel they have to cum quickly before their men get bored - or get cramp. You have to convince her that you love it. Take the pressure off by trying the 69 position - she'll be too busy to let her thinking get in the way of her enjoyment, and yours.

Q. My ex used to smoke a lot of weed and his moods are very unpredictable. I'm in a new relationship now but he's got in touch saying he's off the drugs and wants me back. I still love him, what do I do?

A. Drugs, alcohol and food are all things people use to 'self-medicate' and deal with issues. The problem is that none of these deal with the underlying problems, so getting off the drugs is only the tip of the iceberg. Has he actually done anything to deal with his issues? It is understandable that you still have feelings and a lot of this is because emotionally-charged relationships can seem more exciting. But now you've made the effort to move on, invest in your new relationship instead of going back to your old one. Usually a relationship break up is called that because it was broken.

Q. My boyfriend's way too fast in bed and sometimes I feel like he's only interested in his own pleasure. How can I get him to slow down and experiment with different rhythms instead of him thrusting in and out of me like a Duracell bunny?

A. He may think he's doing what you like so you need to tell him it's a turn-on to try new stuff. You should take control and show him what feels good for you, with you on top for example. Tell him the speed you want him to go at and say how great it feels. You can also slow things down by focusing on exploring oral sex, masturbation, massage and finding out what else feels good. If he's cumming too quickly, then slowing things down should help, or try using condoms like Durex Performa, which are designed to prolong sex.

Q. My mates would laugh at me for saying this but I'm sick of being used for sex. I want a relationship but once I've slept with a girl, she disappears. I'm a nice guy and not bad looking, so either I stink in bed or women just want one-night stands - which is it?

A. In the olden days, before the Pill, Cosmo and hotpants, women didn't have random sex with random men because society deemed it unacceptable. Now women have sex when and with whom they please. Men everywhere are nervously waking up to the fact that women, free from the constraints of sexual oppression, can be every bit as insensitive, selfish and arrogant as men have always had the choice to be. It could be where you are meeting them, and if you set out your requirements before you bed them then maybe you could find a girl who wants the same. If she's prepared to sleep with you almost immediately then chances are she's not a keeper! Take heart, the good ones are still out there, so don't give up. Oh, and welcome to our world!

Q. My new man is 10 years younger than me and the sex is great. He loves trying new things and I love teaching him. The problem is, I'd like him to take control and be more intimate and tender. It's not something you can teach, is it?

A. You can't teach it but you can give it a chance to develop. Intimacy means being honest with someone about who you are, and my guess is that it's not him who's blocking the path to tender, shared loving - it's you. You've been playing the Mrs Robinson game; you experienced seductress, him wide-eyed virgin. That's a very powerful role and unlikely to make him feel like an equal. If you want him to take charge, you have to let go of the reins. Stop seeing him as an over-excited puppy. Treat him like a man you respect and you might be surprised to find that, for once, more than just his erection grows between you.

Q. I'm 22 and have been with my husband, who's 27, for five years. He's wonderful but I feel trapped in our marriage. I want to experience what my single friends do - living with flatmates, meeting new men.... In comparison, my relationship feels stale. When I try to tell him how I feel he says it's because I was so young when we met and it will pass. But I'm afraid our marriage is over.

A. What do you do when a room feels stale? Do you burn down the house or open a window? Yes, you committed yourself to one man at a young age and there's a price to pay for that; no flatmates to play with and no new men. And true, being young and the feelings that go with it, do pass - but the passing can leave bitterness and regrets. Before you start thinking about ending your marriage, view this relationship with a man you love as a challenge, not as a failure. Change your routine.

Q. I'm openly gay and have been seeing another girl who has a boyfriend and isn't ready to come out yet. I know I can't make her do it before she's ready but it's so frustrating. Should I move on or what?

A. There are two issues here. The fact she's in a relationship and the fact she isn't open about her sexuality. It's fine for you to say that you want to be exclusive with her - meaning she has to end it with her boyfriend. If she can do that it may be you can wait for her to come out. If she can't end it with him, it may be better to end things and find someone you can be with openly. If she has some space to think, she might realise how important you are to her.

Q. My new bloke doesn't like blowjobs, but all my exes were obsessed by them, so it feels really odd. Do you think he's just being polite because I'm doing it wrong, or are some men just not fussed about oral sex? I feel awkward when he goes down on me, because I can't return the favour. Is there anything I can do?

A. Some men aren't obsessed by blowjobs and get pleasure by making their partner feel good instead. If he doesn't mind not receiving oral, then why should you do it? Look at it as a bit of a break from having your head pushed down there and struggling for air. Also, be glad you've found a bloke who doesn't just go down on you out of duty, or because you'll return the favour. Things might change and he might want one as your closeness deepens. This could be his way of relaxing into the relationship. Who knows? Human sexuality can be very unpredictable and differs from person to person. So for the moment, just show your appreciation by letting yourself go and thoroughly enjoying what's on offer. You'll both have a good time and get turned on. Make the most of it, find out what other things he likes and focus on those instead.

Q. My boyfriend has a high sex drive and I struggle to keep up. We don't talk about it but I want him to know I do want him, just not as much as he wants me. What do I do?

A. A mismatch in sex drives is a common problem in relationships. Everyone has the right to say no, but it hardly helps you find a solution. Explaining how you feel is crucial to prevent resentment creeping in. Wanting lots of sex can just be the sign of raging hormones. However, it can also be a way of avoiding communication. It's clear that this relationship needs a little more talk and a little less action in order for it to move forward.

Oral special

Q. My man's rough when I give him a blowjob. He holds my head and thrusts into me and I find it uncomfortable. I know he's just caught up in the moment, but I hate it.

A. If you don't like it, don't put up with it. He might think this is what you like, or this is what men should do. Tell him what you do enjoy, how you like to go down on him, and that when he's rough it spoils the moment for you. He should get the message, but, if not, stop each time he holds your head or thrusts. This should be something that turns you both on.

Q. I'm massively worried about my new man going down on me. I'm self-conscious about how wet I am when aroused. Will he be put off? And what is normal?

A. Getting wet during sex is normal and a sign you're enjoying it. Some women get more moist than others, and you can get wetter at different times of the month, or depending on how turned on you are. He won't mind, in fact, part of the turn-on for him will be the chance to taste you. Men have erections so we know they are turned on. Women don't - so wetness is his indicator that he's doing something right. He'll love it.

Q. My bloke doesn't like going down on me and it's making me paranoid about the way I look and smell. How can I find out if it's me or him, or should I just give up?

A. Be brave - say you've heard some men don't like oral, while others might like to try but are scared they'll do it wrong. This gives him the opportunity to tell you if he's not into it, or if he'd like to experiment. Explain how it's affecting your confidence so he can reassure you. All genitals have an odour and this turns on some people, but washing before oral will help make you feel confident.

Q. My new bloke's well endowed and I find it hard to give him a good blowjob. How can I work on my gag reflex and 'handling' him?

A. Unless you get turned on by deep-throating, I'd be worried about you having to work on your gag reflex. Instead, there are other techniques you can use, including licking his penis, using your hands and mouth, and not taking him too deep. A good blowjob is something you discover together, so get him to tell you what he likes to see if you're comfortable with it. To give him the sensation of much deeper penetration, follow my tips on using your hand together with your lips.

Q. My man loves going down on me, but my mind always wanders. I don't see what all the fuss is about. How can I stay in the zone and get the most out of it?

A. If your mind wanders because he's changed what you were enjoying, tell him. Fantasising or talking dirty while he goes down on you can enhance how you feel. Not all women enjoy long oral sex sessions, so if you want him to switch to something else, then say. Some women orgasm through oral sex, but not all do. It doesn't mean you can't enjoy it, but only for as long as it's turning you on.

Q. I'm bored with sex - full stop. No matter who I sleep with, I always end up in the same old routine. I'm good at sex; I know how to please a guy and how to please myself. So once you've found what works, where is there to go after that?

A. Confucius say, the chick who knows everything knows nothing and the girl who thinks she knows nothing has the world at her feet. 'Good at sex' probably means you're skillful - ie. you give great blow jobs and bounce like a porn star on Ecstasy - right? Technically, good sex is like the outline of a picture yet to be coloured in. The full experience requires you to forget everything you think you know and start again, exploring the mind and body of the person you're with and letting them do the same for you. Sex should be instinctive and trusting. Drop your routine and take the risk of really engaging in the experience. If not, they say knitting can be a very rewarding hobby.

Q. I'm squeamish about sex mess. Sperm and juices make me feel so sick that I can't bring myself to go down on my man. As long as I don't think about all the squelching, I actually love sex. My boyfriend thinks it's hilarious but I feel like a freak.

A. Some people like messy sex but I bet there are more who feel a bit icky about bodily excretions. OK, so you're a little squeamish, but you're also someone who loves sex, and you have a man who's accepting of you and your current issues. You're a lucky girl. Don't waste time feeling bad; get creative. Give him a blow job over a condom, smeared in something you do like the taste of. Or give his penis a massage using rubber-safe lube, then slip on a condom when you're ready to make him climax, so you don't have to face the mess. Just because you're not into juices doesn't mean either of you should miss out.

Q. I'm a 21-year-old fashion model. My mates think I'm lucky but I'd swap my looks for two more inches on my penis. I'm only four inches fully erect, and I'm still a virgin. I always hoped it would grow but it hasn't. I'll never satisfy a woman.

A. A man who relies on his penis to satisfy a woman's desire is inexperienced or unimaginative; with some it's plain arrogance. A big penis might be nice to look at but it's only one of the many tools in your kit - and when it comes to a woman's orgasm, its the fourth most important after your mind, fingers and tongue. If you can learn how to engage a woman's brain (find out what turns her on), learn how to kiss like a demon and hone your oral and finger skills, you'll be the perfect lover. This it the best sex advice I have for any man, regardless of his penis size. And just so you know, average is between 3.5 and 6 inches, so you're not that small at all.

Q. The men I've been with recently have been pushy, acting like they're porn stars! What's going on??

A. Worryingly, more women are complaining about men's aggressive sexual behaviour, especially younger men. It's the internet generation; educated about sex by porn. They see the same images over and over, and mistakenly believe that's everyday sex. Unfortunately, young women get the same misinformation and think it's what's expected of them too. Well, 99% of porn lies about sex, and bodies, and inform men that women love being treated like sex dolls. It's up to those of us who know differently to set the record straight.

Q. I'm a sex disaster area. I've snagged foreskins on my fingernails, scratched balls with my teeth, bent cocks while on top, and yesterday I headbutted my man and gave him a black eye! Does this happen to anyone else?

A. Once or twice is quite normal - these things happen in the throes of passion - but three or four times in quick succession? Your disasters read like a script for a slapstick S&M porn movie! I know men are bulky, strong and you can wrestle with them, but that rough and tumble does not extend to the bedroom where cock and balls are flying free and vulnerable. They (men and their penises) like to be handled firmly but never roughly. They need to feel confident you know what you're doing and they're safe in your hands. Be gentle with him, for crying out loud. Unlike your vibrator, when he bends in the middle it really could snap.

Q. I haven't had sex with my husband for a year. It started with him being 'too tired', then I got sick of trying. I thought we must have a really low sex drive - until I found porn on his laptop. Why would he rather masturbate over strangers?

A. You've both allowed sex to slip into a no-go area and the longer you ignore it, the more difficult it will be to confront. Talking to your partner about intimate issues like 'sex going wrong' is scary. From his point of view, given the option of facing the emotional quagmire of your absent sex life or spending five minutes wanking over a naked lady whose only demand is that he 'give it to her good' isn't that hard to understand. He's clearly found a way to distract himself from the problems you're having and he's not the only one hiding (are you telling me you've not masturbated?) If you want a real sex life with your very real man, you'll have to face up to the situation.

Q. I'm not as sexually experienced as my boyfriend and I've got no confidence. He says I'm not good on top and my oral does nothing for him. I feel I can't do anything right. Sometimes I hear him sigh and my heart sinks. How can I be better?

A. I've got warning lights flashing in front of my eyes - this guy doesn't deserve to be having sex with you. How dare he undermine your fragile confidence with his own inflated ego? As for experience, if he knew anything about sex, he'd know that the key lies in loving, trusting, mutual respect. This is bullying behaviour. Standing up to him is one option, but if that feels too hard, walking away is another. You have the right to be treated with affection and kindness. Once you have that, the sex will fall into place, I promise.

Q. My bloke always puts his pants on as soon as we've finished having sex and won't have sex anywhere other than the bedroom. Is he ashamed of his body or is he just nervous about having sex?

A. It could be either, or just habit. Have you tried talking to him about it? Gently suggest you want to enjoy cuddling him naked after sex so he doesn't reach for his pants. You could also tell him how much you'd enjoy having sex outside the bedroom - like in the shower or on the sofa. He may lack the confidence to suggest this. If he still seems unwilling then it may be a deeper issue - you might want to talk to him about his confidence generally and see if he feels help from a counsellor would benefit him.

Q. Every time I meet someone I really like, I start to lose interest once we've made love a few times and they've declared their love for me. Now I'm mad about Steve, and desperate to be with him, but I'm not sure how I'll feel if he actually returns my interest. Could my parents' divorce have anything to do with this? I'd always felt close to my dad until he remarried.

A. When parents divorce, children often think it's their fault. Of course it isn't - children don't cause divorces. But children can end up worrying about how much they're loved. This may be what happened to you. If you were close to your father for a while and then experienced him 'leaving' you a second time when he remarried, you might feel that you aren't really lovable and that you can't keep a man (first your father, now other men).

You might now be distrustful of men and find more satisfaction in making men fall in love with you than in actually entrusting yourself to a relationship. Once you've 'won' someone's affection you turn yourself off because you're afraid you'll be hurt again. If this makes sense to you, and you want to interrupt this pattern, being aware of these underlying feelings might help you to make different choices.

If you like Steve so much, tell him how you feel, tell him your fears, and explain why you feel like that. If he's the right man for you, he will reassure you and help you deal with any negative feelings you may start to experience.

Q. I'm 30 and I've been with my boyfriend for ten years. We're both in demanding careers and live at home with our parents. We're good friends but our sex life is non-existent. Two months ago I met a fantastic man who's nine years younger than me. Now I can't stop thinking about him and I'm miserable around my boyfriend. Although this man asked for my number, I didn't give it to him as he lives miles away. Now, though, I'm wondering if he could have been my way out. Have I missed my chance for a new life?

A. This new man has crystallised something that you were already subconsciously feeling; that your life with your boyfriend is not fully satisfying. The fact that you now see this man as your 'way out' suggests that you've felt paralysed by your relationship. His fleeting appearance is a chance for you to do something to change your life - whether or not he's around. You now recognise that you want a change. You have the choice of staying with your boyfriend but changing the non-sexual nature of your relationship; alternatively you can continue as friends but be open to the possibility of another relationship; or you can split up completely. Whatever you choose, try to see this as an opportunity for you to find out, not via this other man, but by your own actions.

Q. My boyfriend cheated on his ex with me and during the first year of our relationship he went back to her behind my back a few times. Things are better now, but I'm always paranoid he's cheating on me. Will I ever be able to trust him?

A. It's not paranoia, it's a pretty reasonable conclusion based on the evidence. It sounds like your boyfriend likes the best of both worlds. One moment of weakness can be just a mistake, but repeating it means that he does what he wants, simply because people will let him. You need to ask yourself whether things have only improved because it's convenient for him. If you meet all of his needs then he doesn't have to skulk off into the night to be with his ex. Ask yourself if this is really the sort of relationship you want. Do you deserve better than this and is he the man who's going to give it to you? Do you want a fair-weather boyfriend or a mature partner who will stick with you when the times get tough? Don't settle for second best.

Q. Help! I never seem to be in the mood for sex, no matter what my boyfriend does to turn me on. Is there something wrong with me?

A. No, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. The traditional male-centred view of sex is straight forward: desire is followed by sexual arousal, then sexual excitement, then climax. If only it were that simple for women! Recent studies suggest that some sexual response cycles, especially women's, seem to be more complex and circuitous than we originally thought. Rather than sexual desire, the cycle may start with an emotional desire (to be loved, for example, or found attractive). Then distracting thoughts, like a work deadline, annoyance over a partner failing to do the laundry or feelings of unattractiveness can inhibit arousal and climax.

So rather than telling yourself to 'get in the mood', it might be better to just do it and focus on the physical sensations or activities that make you feel sexy. It goes without saying that you should never do anything you don't want to. But most of the time it's not that we don't want to, it's that we're too tired, stressed or annoyed - so just doing it can get you over that hump, as it were. (It's like working out - the hardest part is getting yourself to the gym, but once you're there, you're glad you went.) Plus, the more sex you have, the more you want, because sex increases your testosterone levels, which actually increases your desire.

Take it from Yesgirl - we should all say yes to more things, but never be forced or coerced into doing something you feel uncomfortable about.

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Q. I've been with my partner for five years but we haven't been intimate for the last two, as he's never in the mood. It's making me question whether I want to be with him. A bloke I know wants us to be sex buddies and it's tempting. What should I do?

A. Sex in relationships often dwindles to a fraction of what it was when you first met. So when everyday life gets in the way of sex, it does take a bit of commitment to keep things going. Tell him how you feel and ask how he thinks you should both deal with it. He may be suffering from depression, so consider what pressures he's under and what help he could get. However, if he's OK, it could be that you're together out of habit. A sex buddy would only cover a problem that runs deep and may end up getting very complicated. It could be time to make decisions about this relationship and look for a permanent solution that could mean going your separate ways. But start with a chat, and you can go from there.

Q. I find blow jobs degrading, and I don't like putting my man's penis in my mouth. But I need to find a way to enjoy it, as whenever I hear the subject crop up, I feel depressed.

A. Why do you need to find a way to enjoy it? If it doesn't appeal to you, then you don't have to do it. Although we hear a lot about blow jobs and how great they are, it isn't something that appeals to everyone. It's OK to tell a partner that blow jobs don't turn you on. If this is distressing you, or you feel there are other reasons for feeling this way, ask your GP to refer you to a psychosexual therapist. Don't force yourself to give blow jobs if you don't enjoy them. Some women find with time and a respectful partner, they can enjoy kissing, licking or sucking a penis, but you should only try this if the idea has started to appeal to you. If it hasn't, stay as you are.

Q. Whenever me and my boyfriend have a heated sex session, he can be a bit rough when he's touching my clitoris. How do I tell him he's pressing too hard without ruining the mood or hurting his feelings?

A. He'll want to know he's turning you on, and it would probably hurt his feelings more to know you've been putting up with discomfort when he thought he was getting you off. When he touches you in ways you like, tell him it feels good and make encouraging noises. If he becomes too rough, it's fine to say 'I like it a little bit softer'. He should get the message, but if not, show him yourself how you like to be touched or, at a time when you're not having sex, explain that sometimes it gets a bit rough in the heat of the moment, which can be uncomfortable. Again, that should help him realise he needs to adapt his technique to suit your needs.

Q. I fancy my friend's dad. He's single and a good laugh, and I swear he flirts with me. I'm tempted to make a move, but would it ruin the relationship with my friend?

A. While inter-generational relationships do work, when it involves your mates' parents it comes with baggage. Acting impulsively could have serious consequences for your friendship. Would you want your friend as a step-daughter? Don't rush into anything, just focus on having fun with your friend. This might be an occasion where you ought to wait for him to make the first move, then decide, but discuss the possibility with your friend, and make sure she's OK with it, before you rush in.

Q. My man's suddenly gone off sex and it's very out of character. I try to please him any way I can, but he's just not interested. Do you think it could be another woman or his hormones?

A. Sex drives fluctuate all the time, but changes are often temporary. As it's sudden, it could indicate a shift in life circumstances or an increase in stress levels, which is a top cause of reduced sex drive. Changes in eating patterns and drinking more alcohol are also indicators that something may be stressing him out. Fluctuations in hormones are rarely the problem. Talk to him to see if he's bottling anything up. Focus on supporting him and being affectionate to get to the cause of the issue, rather than focusing on the symptoms.

Q. My boyfriend kissed a colleague at the work party. He was drunk and it didn't mean anything, but now I hate the thought of them working together. It was a few months ago, but when we argue I always bring it up, as I'm worried it will happen again. Help!

A. Work parties are fraught with these kinds of dangers. However, the real issue here seems to be trust and your confidence. If you keep bringing it up, it will drive a wedge between you. It won't be his drunken mistake that splits you up - it will be your inability to get over it and move on. He knows he was an idiot, but he did the decent thing and told you. So put this into perspective. Is he going to pay for this until you split up, or are you going to work on your issues and continue to build a stronger relationship? It's your call.

Q. One of my friends cheated on her boyfriend and I don't know whether to tell him. I wouldn't be so tempted if she didn't act innocent all the time and look down her nose on others who cheat - it's so hypocritical.

A. What outcome do you want from this situation? Are you taking the moral high ground, or do you just want to take her down a peg or two? It's said we're judged by the company we keep. If you don't like what you see, change it. Either tell her how you feel or rethink your friends. What would telling her man do for you? Focus on your own life by surrounding yourself with people you value and respect.

Q. I don't have the confidence to ask for what I want in bed. I hate upsetting my man, so I just go with the flow. I enjoy sex but I can't help thinking it could be better. How can I take control of the situation without hurting his feelings?

A. He'll want to know you're happy, so, in fact, not speaking up could upset him even more if he were to find out you're unhappy. To help him reassure you, tell him you want to open up, but feel shy talking about sex. It may help to get him to say what he's thinking and feeling first, then you can reply. You don't have to be explicit, just say what feels nice or what you'd like him to do. 'That feels good' or 'I love it when you do that' is often enough to show him what you're enjoying. Thinking through what you like can also help, and you may find buying a sex guide you can both read will help you express your desires. Try Tracy Cox Supersex for Life from Lovehoney.co.uk or many of the other 'better sex' books on offer on the site.

Q. When my ex told me he still had feelings for me, I didn't believe him, because he had a girlfriend. They've now split up. Should I try to get back together with him or wait for him to make the first move?

A. Going back to an old relationship can only work if you've both addressed the issues that caused you to split in the first place. You know if you have, but what about him? More importantly, is this what you really want or are you just flattered? He needs time to get over his last relationship and you need to focus on what you want out of life. Enjoy your life and let him make the move if, and when, he's ready. And don't be afraid to say no if you decide you don't want him back. It's better to be on your own living your life than being in the wrong relationship.

Q. I met a bloke on a night out and both times I've seen him we've had sex. I like him but I don't want to date him. He asked me round to his and I want to hang out as friends but I don't want to sleep with him again. Is it too late now?

A. People do become friends with people they've slept with so there's no reason why you can't too. It's not as if you've told him you love him, you just got together a couple of times. If you've decided it's not what you want any more, be kind but clear. Don't start saying 'Maybe' or 'We'll see'. Don't give out mixed signals. Have a chat, tell him how you feel and what you want from the friendship. If he wanted things to go further then it will be awkward for a while so give him space. But as you've only slept with him a couple of times, chances are he'll be fine. Finally, if you've decided you just want to be friends, don't get into a situation where you're drunk and have sex for 'old time's sake'. Things will only get complicated.

Q. Five months ago I met a bloke I really liked and we met up a few times. I thought we were developing a relationship but now the phone calls and dates have stopped. He's told mutual friends that he likes me, does this mean there's still something there?

A. I'd take control here and see if it can help you find out where you stand and make you feel more confident. Phone or email him and ask if he'd like to meet up for a coffee, meal, film or drink, or do this next time you see him in person. If he's shy, this gives him the chance to take things up a level. If he's not that interested it gives him the chance to say so. You can say to him what you've said to me - that things were going well but have cooled off and you'd like to know where you stand. If he can't be clear, continues to give mixed messages or just isn't acting particularly keen, then I'd definitely move on.

Q. I've started seeing a new man and we've slept together twice but he's too rough and I have to stop myself from crying out in pain. How do I tell him without hurting his feelings?

A. I'm sure he'd be devastated if he knew and it's important to tell him how to make things feel good so it doesn't hurt. When you're not having sex tell him he's a great kisser and what feels good. Try positions where you're in control, like you on top. Tell him that when it's rough it hurts. He might be upset but he shouldn't be offended. Take it in turns to do things to each other that feel good - and give each other feedback about what feels nice. However, if sex continues to be painful go and see your GP just to check there's no other cause for this.

Q. I've just met an amazing man, but he's got quite a small penis. I don't mind at all but how do I make the most of what he has got?

A. First of all, remember he has fingers and a tongue too - he can please you with other parts of his body. Talking about fantasies and what makes you feel good can also equal more fun than if you focus just on penis/vagina. And remember to look at his other qualities - is he funny, caring, respectful and loving? Does he do things outside the bedroom you like? If so, tell him how much those things mean to you, as they'll keep you feeling connected.