Q. My boyfriend can't find my G-spot. Is it real, do we all have one and how can I point him in the right direction?

A.

Where is it?

If you have one (and I mean if, that's a big if), it's 2.5cm to 5cm (1in to 2in) inside the vagina on the front wall. You should be able to feel it with your finger. If you're not sexually aroused it may be no bigger than a pea; once you're aroused it increases to the size of a 2p piece.

It's actually more a of a zone than a spot. If you want to explore and find out whether you have one, feel for an area that's rough, a bit like a walnut, rather than smooth and silky like the rest of the vaginal wall.

The what spot?

• Originally known as the Grafenberg Spot, the G-Spot was named after the gynaecologist Ernst Gräfenberg, who first described it in 1944.
• Practitioners of tantric sex have been talking about this 'sacred spot' for over 1,000 years.

What is it?

For many women, it's a highly sensitive, highly erotic area that provides hours of pleasure. For others it's a knobbly bit that, when touched too much, creates an overwhelming sensation of needing a wee. Some women can't feel any sensation at all while others don't seem to have one at all.

There are a number of different theories about what the G-spot or area actually is. One view is that it is an area of prostatic tissue similar to the male prostate. The absence of the Y chromosome in the developing female fetus deposits the cells in a similar location and voila - the G-spot. Complete with a similar type of sensitivity to the male prostate

Another expert agrees with the prostate theory but expands it to say that this is not the only reason for sensitivity. He points to the clitoris and the urethra as other sources of pleasure, both of which can be stimulated via the front wall of the vagina. Therefore there are a number of erogenous zones and we should stop seeking the elusive g-spot and instead rename it the ‘anterior wall erogenous complex’ - catchy!

A further expert who was first responsible for publicising the G-spot has recently discovered another use. In research she has shown that stimulation of the G-spot area can increase pain threshold by up to 47%. If the stimulation is arousing, the pain threshold increases by up to 84% and a massive 107% on orgasm. Her hypothesis is that this sensitive and erogenous area is one of natures natural painkillers for childbirth.

So there you go. Basically, we still don’t know for sure - but the important thing is to find out what you’ve got and what you like.

What to do with it

Once you've established whether you've got one or not, you need to discover whether you have one that gives you pleasure or just feels a bit annoying. Stroking is usually the most enjoyable form of stimulation.

Sexual virtuosos recommend inserting the forefinger to about the second knuckle and making a 'come here' motion towards the front vaginal wall. You'll need to experiment with pressure and length of stroke to find out what feels best for you. It's important that you're sexually aroused first, and also worth noting that many women say sensitivity varies throughout the month.

During stimulation, the first sensation might be the need to go to the loo, possibly because the G-spot is on the front wall so your bladder is being pushed. You can check this out by making sure your bladder's empty first then seeing how it feels. The first couple of times it might be a bit odd, but many women say a little perseverance is more than worth it.

Feeling it during intercourse

Depending on the size and exact location of your G-spot, you may or may not be able to feel stimulation during intercourse. You're most likely to feel something if you have your pelvis raised.

Another popular position is to be on all fours or bending over from a standing position and allowing penetration from behind. You'll need to experiment.

Female ejaculation

Some women say they ejaculate when their G-spot is stimulated. Research has shown that approximately 10 per cent of women expel between 9ml and 900 ml of fluid from the urethra during arousal and orgasm. A group of scientists examined some of this ejaculatory fluid and discovered prostatic enzymes, fuelling the theory that the G-spot is the equivalent of the male prostate.

However, another group of scientists examined the fluid and said it was very similar to urine. Latest thoughts are that the fluid is an altered form of urine that changes in chemical composition due to sexual arousal. The research continues.

A final word on the subject

Remember, we're all unique. You may have a sensitive G-spot or you may not. If you want to explore, do it light-heartedly. Don't turn it into the Holy Grail; there are many, many ways to enjoy your sexuality, and the G-spot is just one of them.

Have a trouble free new year, may all your problems be small ones, easily solved by those around you, but if not..... you know where I am xxx

Happy New Year xxx

Q. A year ago I caught my partner looking at porn and he said he was sorry. But it felt like he had cheated on me. Then I recently found he was doing it again. He apologised, saying he could see how it made me feel, and promised not to do it again. But I don't trust him and its causing rows. He says men don't look at porn the way women do.

A. In general, porn is one area where the sexes separate. If you think of a secure, loving relationship - such as the one with your man - as a night out, porn is the kebab at the end of it that men find hard to resist. He says when he uses porn that it's really no threat to you. He's tried to tell you that a man's reaction to porn is different to yours. These women he is looking at will never be part of his life, he will never meet any of them, so you really have no reason to be jealous. If he is considerate and a decent man in the rest of your relationship, then his 'hobby' shouldn't threaten you. Unless the idea is utterly repellent, why not look at it with him? Some of it is quite interesting, it could turn into a sexy adventure, you could learn more about each other and what turns you both on, and it would also help you understand his viewpoint and defuse your jealousy.

Q. I've been with my boyfriend for six months and my constant 'thinking' is ruining the relationship. I wonder if he's seeing someone else, if he's right for me, if I can trust him. It makes me want to end it because I can't handle the misery. My boyfriend's patient, and doesn't want us to split up, but I just can't enjoy myself as things are.

A. What counts is what we're thinking about and where our thoughts are leading us. Your thoughts start with the bad idea, probably instilled from early on in your life, that you're not worthy of devotion and happiness. Thus, you're unable to trust a good relationship and you find yourself driven to destroy it. To be honest you're not thinking at all. You're feeling, and you're feeling bad. Do more fun things with your boyfriend, go to new places and involve yourselves in new ideas beyond your relationship. But, more importantly, do new things on your own - get busy. To fill the hours with learning, planning and real thinking leaves no time for moping.

Q. I really want to try anal sex with my man. I've never done it before but I want to explore everything with him. We have a great sex life, so I was surprised when he said he didn't think he wanted to try it. I thought all men did!

A. And now you know different! There are as many men who are completely freaked out by the idea of anal intercourse as there are women. Until recently, anal sex was a fairly taboo subject. Today its on the sex menu with its own tick box just below threesomes, sex parties and serious bondage! Who said we have to try everything on the menu anyway? Most of us stick to the things we like, with a bit of experimentation here and there to spice things up. Ask him to use his finger there first. You might find you don't like it after all. If you do and he still doesn't want to try anal sex, buy a slim vibrator and as him to use that instead. And remember, the skin inside the anus is thin and easily torn so fingers need to be clean and nails clipped. Lube is essential for comfort and don't forget hygiene - there are some things nobody wants to share.

Q. I can't make my man cum. He says its not my fault, and that he still loves sex, but I find this hard to believe. I've now gone off it completely because it feels pointless. Its like running a race without a finishing line - why bother?

A. Does cake taste any less delicious for the lack of a cherry on top? Lovers have sex for the sheer exhilarating experience of it. The finishing line is a pleasure to cross but isn't an essential ingredient - the show can go on without it. Sex is one part your orgasm, one part his and eight parts all the other good stuff. Instead of focusing on the one thing you can't control, work on the parts you can, and take the pressure off him. If he didn't fancy you, he wouldn't get hard in the first place. Making him suffer your disappointment is only going to add to his stress, which could possibly be the cause of the problem. Just be thankful that your cake comes with a cherry.

Q. Even when I'm erect, my foreskin hangs over the end of my penis. It doesn't get in the way of sex but I hate letting anyone see it in case they think I'm a freak. If a girl insists on giving me a blow job I go soft. Is it too late to be circumcised? I'm 26.

A. Adult circumcision can be performed but it is painful and can take weeks to heal. If you're adamant, you should research the procedure - try www.netdoctor.co.uk. Unless you are regularly tearing the frenulum (the little piece of skin attaching the foreskin to the penis), or you can't pull back your foreskin at all, I definitely wouldn't recommend it. This is about your confidence, not your foreskin. You can safely assume that a girl who insists on going down on you wont let your foreskin get in her way. If you're really nervous, hold your penis at the base to pull the foreskin back while she's doing her thing. I know you hate the way it looks, but have a bit of faith, if no one's complaining, I doubt there's anything to complain about.

Q. I think my girlfriend's faking her orgasms. Sometimes she just makes this little noise when she's cumming and other times it's like she's in a porn movie. Her orgasm is important to me, I hate thinking it might not be real. Is there a way to tell for sure?

A. I know actually talking to the person you have sex with is a bit 'strange' but it beats kitting your bedroom out with a heart monitor, brain scanner and lie detector!! Some orgasms are more intense than others, which could explain her varying responses. But if she is faking, its probably because she's paying more attention to your need to give her an orgasm than her need to have one. This is a shared issue because you don't trust her, be straight with her and maybe she'll be straight with you. However, if you need signs, you can look for flushing of her chest and face, hardening of her nipples and breathlessness. Even an Oscar winning actress would struggle to fake those signs, but bear in mind, less intense orgasms won't necessarily produce these signs.

Q. I've been using a vibrator for years and I'm worried that I've numbed my clitoris, because I don't feel at all sensitive when my partner touches me. My friend says she never uses a vibrator because she'd heard that it ruins orgasms, is that true?

A. Bloody hell, I hope not!!! I've had it if that's the case!!! And thanks to Lovehoney.co.uk I should be numb from the waist down!!

Actually I have heard this rumour over the past few years and here's what I think - Vibrators provide us with full control over our orgasm, which takes a few seconds to achieve and tends to be short, intense and perfectly satisfying. It might not be the best orgasm we've ever had but its right on the button every time. When we're with a lover, we're only partly in control, we keep our fingers crossed they'll do exactly the right thing at the right time, in the right place. We have to trust them and keep communicating. It tends to take longer with a lover because, without electrical vibrations, we need to be teased and cajoled into orgasm, instead of blasted there. Expect your orgasm to take 20 minutes with a partner and don't just concentrate on the clitoris. Seek out different sensations rather than comparing those experiences during sex with those you get with a vibrator. There's room for all types of orgasm, so lie back and enjoy the ride.

Q. The only man I've ever loved has gone from my life, for a second time. After losing touch years ago, we recently found each other online. We were both still madly in love, but I said I wouldn't sleep with him again, so we didn't meet, but were soon emailing and texting each other constantly. Then he said he'd leave his wife for me, only to change his mind. I feel cheated and ill with heartache. How do I get over this?

A. Emails and texts are great for exchanging information and keeping in touch, but they're words without chemistry. You are in love, but not with him - only with the memory and the idea of him. Its not a broken heart that's making you feel ill, its a bad case of wishful thinking. He had a touch of it too, but then snapped back to reality. This experience does show, however, that you're ready for love. And you'll probably find it, real, dependable love that you won't have to fight for, when you're busy doing something else.

Q. My new boyfriend is circumcised and I'm totally freaked out. I've only had two partners before and they both had foreskins. We haven't had sex yet, just a bit of groping (hence my shock discovery). I'm scared to touch him in case I get it wrong. Does it make a big difference during sex?

A. Don't panic!! Its really not a big deal. In fact, in America, you'd be hard-pressed to find a penis with a foreskin, most US docs routinely snip them off at birth. In the UK, we usually leave our boys intact unless parents request it for religious reasons. The circumcised penis can sometimes require slightly different handling to an intact one. Your boyfriend may prefer to use more lubrication than uncircumcised men when it comes to straight sex or masturbation, so invest in some condom-safe lube. With oral sex, its nicer, simpler and cleaner for you, lets just leave it at that :) During intercourse, no foreskin means more friction for both of you, which can be a good thing of course! But if that friction gets uncomfortable, again, try using a little lube.

Q. I love my boyfriend so much. We're perfect in every way, until it comes to sex. Whenever he touches me or even looks at me sexily, I cringe. I force myself to have sex with him because I feel so guilty. We talk and he tries so hard but nothing changes.

A. The Beatles sang All You Need Is Love, and everyone really wanted to believe them. In the movies, and on TV, from Hollywood to Hollyoaks, love conquers all, but no love, no matter how great, will sustain a relationship where one partner doesn't fancy the other. We all make compromises but there are some boxes our lovers have to tick and sexual attraction is one of them. You might love each other now, but if you carry on down this route, not only will you probably end up despising him, but you'll also hurt him terribly. Faking it isn't you loving him, its you not wanting to face facts. Your relationship is lopsided, you might be his lover but he's not yours, he's your soulmate/best friend. Its time to be brave. If you're honest now, in time you might find you can still become brilliant friends.

Q. I don't know what's happening - ever since the first night with my new girlfriend, I've been rubbish in the sack. I either cum really fast or can't cum at all. I've even lost my erection halfway through. I really like this girl. Why can't I get a grip?

A. Sounds like a frustrating dose of performance anxiety (PA) and despite what Rachel says to Ross in Friends, it is that common, it does happen to every guy and it isn't a big deal. The best way to cope with PA is to take a few deep breaths and remind yourself of a few things:

1. She may have a heavenly body but she's just a girl lying in bed with a guy
2. Be honest
3. You're in perfect working order
4. While your penis behaviour is a big deal for you, your tongue and fingers are just as important to her, so use them.

Q. As students, my boyfriend and I would spend days in bed together, but now we're working we're either too tired or too busy to have sex. We're rowing a lot more too. How do people have careers and relationships?

A. It's a frustrating balancing act between what you want and what you can actually have. A wealthy man once wrote a book on how to get rich. His secret? Live only to make money. When I'm not sure about my priorities, I think about my final thoughts on earth. Which would you prefer - 'I wish I'd made more money'? Or 'I wish I'd made love more'? Your relationship's clearly important to you, so treat it as something that counts. You don't have to spend days in bed to connect at an intimate level - a sexy alarm call in the morning, a quickie in the kitchen before dinner or lazy mutual masturbation last thing at night will keep you both going till Sunday, which should be a dedicated day of rest - and play!

Q. I've been seeing a woman who says she doesn't want to be in a relationship but she's happy to have casual sex. I love the sex, but if I'm honest, I want more. Why does she hold back from me?

A. Casual-sex relationships sound so cool. Two single people getting together now and then to share each other's bodies, have great orgasms and then leave to get on with wholly unconnected lives. But it's a fantasy because one almost always likes the other more, while the other is making do until something better comes along. To be honest, its usually the woman who wants more, while the man is finding excuses not to spend time with her, so this is not a usual situation. However, if she's happy to be getting her sexual needs met by you, but its only for now - don't fool yourself into thinking you can change her mind. If she says she's up for hanging out with you for a while but doesn't want more, that's almost certainly what she means. If you think you might get hurt, leave now. If you think you can detach your emotions and enjoy the sex then relish the arrangement, but keep your eyes open for someone better, just as she is doing.