Q.   My friend treats blokes terribly.  She always has several on the go and doesn't care about their feelings.  Every bloke I meet thinks I'm the same as her so they lose interest.  How can I show them I'm not like her?


A.   We tend to choose our friends for qualities we admire or that we share, so by hanging around with her you will always risk turning other men off.  It's probably best to avoid going on the pull together, or if you do, make sure you avoid dressing alike or using mirrored body language, as it will look as though you're like-minded.  You could also point out to any blokes you do like that you're like chalk and cheese.  The best way to change a reputation is by example though.  If you date a nice bloke for a while, everyone should see that you're very different from your friend.

Q.   My ex was really protective, always called me to see how I was and really took care of me.  My new boyfriend doesn't give me as much attention, which makes me feel like he doesn't like me as much.  I don't want to seem clingy, but how can I tell him he needs to show his feelings more?


A.   Firstly, you're going to have to accept that he's a different person and you may not ever get the same attention as your ex gave you.  However, that doesn't mean your new bloke can't change.  You just need to be realistic.  Start by giving feedback on what he does right.  Tell him it makes you feel good and he will be more likely to do it again.  Next, work out what is the most important thing he could do and mention it to him.  Pick a quiet moment together and just say, 'I'd really like it if you did this or this' and tell him how it would make you feel.  Whatever you do, don't start comparing him to your ex.  You have to accept him for who he is.

Q.   My boyfriend and brother hate each other.  I've been with my boyfriend for a while now and my brother still won't accept it.  Help!


A.   You need to ask your brother why he dislikes your boyfriend - maybe it's just that he feels protective and doesn't think your man is good enough for you.  They probably see each other as an alpha male threat - they both want to be the most important man in your life.  Explain that he's doing you no favours by making things hard - hopefully he'll just want you to be happy.

Q.   I have small boobs and my boyfriend of over a year has always insisted he prefers them that size.  But I've recently found out the looks at women with big breasts on the internet.  Every time we talk about it we argue.  What do I do?


A.   Sexual appetites can be quite complicated and some people have contradictory tastes.  It could be that he likes to look at big breasts but not touch them.  The reason you're arguing is that, understandably, this has hit a nerve for you.  So when you do talk, ask him to explain how he feels, and let him do all the talking without interrupting him.  Start by saying that although you feel hurt you want to understand how he feels.  He may not even know why he has this conflict.  Letting him talk may help him work it out.  Don't feel tempted to dive in too soon with your side.  Take time to think about it and then explain to him how you feel about his online hobby.  Taking the heat out of the situation may help you both come to an understanding.

Q.   I recently found out that my husband was a womaniser in his past.  We ran into some of his old friends who were teasing him about being married and that he used to be such a 'man about town'.  I asked him what they meant by it and he eventually admitted that he'd slept with more than 100 women.  I'm shocked because this doesn't fit with my perception of him and I'm not sure how to handle it.


A.   It's normal to feel betrayed in this situation and think 'What else has he lied about or omitted to tell me?'  But it's important to remember that he hasn't actually lied to you and I suspect the only reason he didn't tell you about is past is that he's ashamed and thought you might judge him for it.  So what if he was a womaniser?  This is what he did before he met you.  It's how he's behaved since that matters.  I'm assuming, of course, that he practised safe sex and you both got tested for STIs before ditching the condoms.  Having said all this, you do need to talk this through so it doesn't fester.  Ask him, as calmly as possible, why he didn't mention this before or at least hint that he'd had lots of women.  We all have secrets we're not proud of and we're all capable of changing.  We had every opportunity to choose any of those 100 women to spend his life with.  He chose you. Be flattered, not hurt or upset.

Q.   I've been told the man I love is having an affair with a colleague.  I never had a reason to doubt him before but a family member (who doesn't like him) told me the news, saying they'd heard it from someone else.  I can't confront him as he's working abroad.  What should I do?


A.   It's not confrontation you need now, only information.  If you can't visit him, send an email or a letter expressing warm affection and trust, not angry suspicions.  The speed and tone of his reply should tell you more than any spiteful gossip who dislikes your man.  Yes, love is risky.  Love can betray.  And love can hurt like hell.  But until there is evidence of wrongdoing, love deserves the benefit of the doubt.

Q.   A close male friend of mine is a secret cross-dresser.  Lately he says it's getting him depressed because he feels it's wrong.  I love him as a friend and want to help.


A.   Many experts say that cross-dressing or transvestism usually expresses not a desire to be a woman, but merely to be seen as a woman and to feel like one in sexy garments.  Many male transvestites actively prefer relationships with women; a husband's taste for cross-dressing is not an uncommon secret within loving marriages.  To ease your friend's worries, go online for information and helplines you can pass on to him.  If knowledge of other transvestites doesn't comfort him, he should try counselling - not for cross-dressing but for his shameful feelings.

Q.   Whenever I touch my boyfriend's penis, he pulls my hand away.  And he's never let me give him oral.  What's his problem?  At first I thought he was shy, but it's been six months.  He's very attentive to me; I just want to reciprocate.


A.   Maybe he's insecure about his size or shape, or perhaps he's afraid of cumming too quickly.  He might have been put off by an ex's ham-fisted handjob or the scrape of one too many teeth.  Or it's possible - albeit rare - he just doesn't like being handled.  Whatever the reason, you must respect it.  Six months is long enough to trust someone.  Maybe now's a good time to start talking about sex as well as doing it. 

Q.    My new guy met my friends a few weeks ago, and I expected them to get along great.  While my girlfriends have said nice things, I get the sense that they really don't approve.  Plus my boyfriend has strangely 'had plans' whenever I've suggested group outings since then.  I want to date someone who gets along with my friends.  Is there anything I can do to get him to give it another shot?


A.  I'm sure your friends are very nice.  But it sounds like you kinda fed your boyfriend to the wolves.  I don't blame him for not wanting to serve them seconds.  Meeting all your girls at once must have been totally overwhelming for him.  He probably could have navigated that situation with help from you but since you 'expected' him and your friends to get along, you probably didn't give him too much.  Plus, your boyfriend isn't stupid.  He knows it's a big deal to meet your gang and that it didn't go well.  Now he's just trying to avoid a repeat performance.  As you point out, it's important for the person you date to get along with the people you care about - so you need to fix things, as soon as possible.  Make sure your friends know how happy he makes you so that they keep an open mind, and apologise to your boyfriend for tossing a friend grenade at him - it'll reinforce that it was the situation, not the people, that he disliked.  Finally, ask one laid back friend to meet the two of you for a drink.  It'll be much easier for your guy to relax and open up, and once he knows he connects with one of your friends, he'll be much more willing to get to know the rest.

Q.   My guy recently picked out a hot girl at a restaurant and told me that he would never date someone who's that attractive because she'd get checked out too much.  Before that, he had made me feel sexy.  Now I feel awful.  He apologised, but I'm not over it.  Am I overreacting?


A.   I don't think so.  What he said was mind-blowingly stupid and insensitive, but I'm sure he feels terrible.  But trust me, he didn't mean what he said.  For starters, it was a total lie!  If he were single and she was into him, do you really think he'd turn her down just because other guys check her out?  Of course not.  Most men love dating someone who makes other men jealous.  No, he was just looking for a way to point out a hot girl.  Sound crazy?  It kind of is, but guys often can't help but check out and comment on attractive women - it's just a stupid thing they're programmed to do.  The thing is, his brain was active enough to make the comment in a way that would be palatable to you (or so he thought).  Even though he pointed her out, he also tried to say that she wasn't a threat.  That's no excuse for saying something hurtful, but I think you should let it go.  So tell him he owes you dinner for being such a moron, then let him get back to making you feel sexy.

Q.   My man and I get on great when we're alone but on nights out we fight.  He gets jealous when I talk to or look at other men.  How do I tell him it's driving me insane without him laughing it off as the drink?


A.   This rings warning bells.  He sounds potentially very controlling.  Pick a quiet time to talk when you're both sober.  Explain how is jealousy is upsetting you.  Tell him he can trust you but if he carries on acting like this he'll drive you away.  Discuss how you can enjoy a night out without arguing and make it clear if it happens again you'll go home.  He has to sort this out.  You can't sort it out by arguing when he's been drinking.  If he's insecure, reassuring him or not having contact with other men will not help.  He needs to see a counsellor to address the root of his behaviour and why he's so jealous.  If he can't do this you need to end the relationship as controlling behaviour like this usually only gets worse.

Q.   I'm 19 and have never been kissed.  I thought things would change when I went to uni but they haven't.  I've fancied blokes, but they never amount to anything.  I feel like there's something wrong with me.  Please help!


A.   There's nothing wrong with you .... you simply haven't met the right bloke yet.  Kissing strangers is never particularly fun, so when you find a man you like try to be friends first.  Then it will mean so much more when you do have that first kiss.  Try not to worry about it too much - putting pressure on yourself won't help.   When you're with blokes you like, just be yourself.  And when you do find that perfect man, don't go too heavy on the sticky lipgloss - they hate it!

Q.   My boyfriend goes to Ibiza with his friends in a month and I'm scared he'll cheat.  He assures me he won't but all his friends are single and I don't want them to encourage him.  Help.


A.   Singles holidays get a lot of bad press but a lot of people just go there to drink and dance.  Look at this as a test of your relationship.  It's a test for both of you, your trust and his faithfulness.  Is it his mates you don't trust or him?  You need to decide where you're going to draw the line and what happens if he crosses it.  It doesn't have to be a heavy, dramatic ultimatum, just a statement of fact.  If he's assured you he's not going to cheat, then you're just going to have to take his word for it.

Q.   I keep cheating on my boyfriend.  It's like I can't say no but I hate myself after.  Mostly they're one-offs, so I tell myself it's OK as he won't find out, but deep down I know it's not.  I feel so guilty.  I love him, so why can't I stop? 


A.   What we do says more about what we want than what we say we want.  You say you want to stop cheating but the fact that you continue to do it anyway speaks volumes as to how you really feel.  You may say you love your boyfriend but your behaviour suggests you're looking for a way out.  Ending a relationship is hard, so hard that it can seem easier to force our partner into a position where they have to do the dumping.  It's called constructive dismissal.  Give him the relationship he wants or free him to find it with someone else before your guilt destroys you both. 

Q.   My girlfriend's acting like a sex pest.  It really bothers her I don't want as much sex as I did at the start.  But that's normal, right?  I fancy her, just not in the rip-her-kit-off way I used to.  She tries too hard; it's a turn-off.


A.   Sex pest?  Really?  Squeeze your size 10s into her stilettos and stand in them for a mo.  One minute you can't keep your hands off her, making her feel like the sexiest woman in the world, then suddenly the only thing you're pawing is the Sunday papers, and she's history.  Relationships must change but when they do, it's scary. Being the centre of someone's attention makes us feel safe and wanted - being ignored can make us feel insecure and rejected.  She needs reassurance not judgement.  She's trying hard so you know she still wants to be with you - what are you doing to let her know how you feel about your future together?