Q.

I started an affair 3 months ago, before we met he was all over me, he was texting me constantly, calling me every day, trying to see me, pushing to rush things, and all I wanted was to meet him. We managed to arrange it and when we met it was amazing. We had a fantastic time, he booked the hotel, we had dinner, we had drinks, we had lovely kisses and great sex. Then the texts and calls started to calm down, he was busy. The second time we met a month later was just as good but he arranged for it to be at my place, we had great sex as soon as he arrived and I cooked. I didn't mind, I like to spoil a man, but it didn't feel the same. The texts and calls dropped to one or two a week, he was busy. The third time we met a month later he was 'passing on business' and popped in for a couple of hours. We had sex and he left. I felt so cheap after and it didn't feel like I was the princess he'd promised I'd always be. Why has he changed?

A.

Sorry to say but he changed because he could. He's wanting a home from home. He's showing you no respect by treating you like that. If you can't speak up and tell him its not right then its better you walk away and find another man who can treat you well. Its not about big dinners, hotels and presents, but it is about respect and decency, and not making you feel bad. Relationships are difficult, especially at the beginning, trying to work out where the boundaries are and what keeps each other happy, but he doesn't have to treat you like a doormat, and you don't have to feel bad.

Stay in this if you're happy, if you can absolutely say you're happy about the situation, and he's so amazing that you can't live without him, but the fact he has made you feel uncomfortable with things after only your third date means you need to shake your head and refocus on what you really want from this. Tell him if you're unhappy, and what makes you unhappy, he may well do the same with you, in which case you will learn more about him. But if this man is capable of disrespecting you so soon, imagine what it will be like in another 6 months?

You are a catch, you are the one who has several men interested in you, he should be thrilled that you're willing to tolerate his situation, so he should be the one making the effort for you. No effort, no point.

Anything that doesn't make you smile all the time should be addressed, smiling is better than frowning. Leave the frowning and the frown lines to his wife, and smile because you are fabulous :)

When you realise that, and he realises that, maybe the respect will be there, or you will have moved on to someone else who knows how to treat your fabulous self!

Q.

I'm having problems maintaining an erection with my wife, she is still sexy, but our sex life is incredibly dull, feeling like a duty, and because of that I can't stay hard. All the time I'm thinking of my mistress who is beautiful, amazingly sexy, and great fun to be with, but the guilt is causing me problems. I feel guilty because I'm cheating on my wife, but I also feel guilty cheating on my mistress with my wife. What can I do to solve the problem?

A.

This is a tough one, and I completely understand where the problem may lie. Women can fake arousal but men can't. I sympathise with any man who is having an erection problem, its very difficult to hide.

There are many things you can do to solve this, although some of my answers will be controversial and may well cause readers to wince a little.

If you're having a problem maintaining an erection with your wife but not with your mistress then at least we have established this is not a medical problem, which would have been my first solution.

If you don't find your wife as sexy as you did is it possible to think of your mistress while you are with your wife? Apparently 70% of men (and women!) think of other people or other scenarios or fantasise while they are having sex with their partners, so you're no different, its not illegal and if it helps the situation and also gives your wife the reassurance that you are still turned on by her.

When a wife knows her husband is turned on by her (regardless of what is going on in his head) she is more confident to step it up a gear, to try harder and to loosen up a little. Encourage her to try new things, start talking to her again about your sex life, suggest new things you have never tried, or reintroduce things that you used to do when you were younger. She might be just as bored with your sex life as you are. In the process you are encouraging her to try harder, you are trying harder, and the ultimate result is she is sexier and you are harder.

Have you tried Viagra or some other stimulant? If you're having problems maintaining your erection because of something psychological, is it worth calling on the help of the medical profession (or the Internet) for some magic blue pills to see if that helps. It may well get you over your immediate problem, which will end up being a huge issue if you don't nip it in the bud now. Your mind is a powerful thing, it is capable of killing an erection just by the fear of having it happen! Overpower your mind with chemicals and your mind might get the hint that its not ruling your cock from now on.

And lastly, at the risk of sounding heartless, have less sex with your wife? If she's not turning you on, and you feel like its a duty, then is it really worth even going through the motions. Is she doing the same? Is it a duty for her? Maybe she's doing it because she feels she has to, if you took the pressure off both of you, and told her you no longer needed it, then you wouldn't have the guilt and the fear causing your lack of erection.

Let me know how it goes, and which option you try. And feel free to contact me again with any more issues.

Q.

I am the husband, married for 27 years, bored, miserable, the usual story. I love my wife dearly but I am missing the thrill that I had all those years ago. My problem seems to be having the bottle to look for someone new, having the confidence to do so and knowing where to look. I'd love to hear how guys usually find their new lover, or their balls!

A.

After many years of dating married men, I have found them in various different places. If a man is sure he wants to have an affair, and has thought about his circumstances and if he can actually fit another woman into his life, then he is ready to take the first step.

Firstly - Having the bottle - If you have got as far as looking on the Internet for subjects relating to affairs then you clearly have put a lot of thought into it. The fact that you are considering it and actively starting to look (or find where to look) means you are on the road. You're certainly not still in the garage unable to start the engine. You're moving and heading towards your first affair. As a newbie then you will need some serious advice to make sure you don't get caught, and ensure you find the right woman. Have a good think about exactly what you need and why you need it, is it the emotional connection you're missing, the friendship or plain and simple, the sex? Then of course you can email me again for more advice.

Secondly - Having the confidence to look elsewhere - The fact that you're not sitting in your shed shaking but you are considering an affair means you clearly have some self confidence. You will be surprised when you start looking around, women are not as shallow as men, they are not 'looks obsessed', they appreciate many more qualities and see past the initial exterior view.

Naturally its better for you if you're not looking like Neanderthal man, hairy, knuckles dragging on the floor, smelling like you bathe once a year, and grunting at every opportunity, but I assume in this day and age men like that are a dying breed :)

Think about what qualities you liked or loved about yourself when you first met your wife, about how you were many years ago. You're still the same person inside. You might have spread a little round the middle, you may have become a grumpy old man, but inside you're still the exciting, passionate, enthusiastic, vibrant man you used to be, with a love of music, or a passion for sports, or even a dreamer who likes to lie in fields on a summers day making pictures from the clouds. Whatever your qualities are, some of them, if not all of them, will be attractive to women. Work on them, fine tune them, and remember the man you used to be.

Most of all - BE A GENTLEMAN - Women will kill for that :)

Thirdly - Where to find it - Never stray too close to home - or shit on your own doorstep, as I like to call it :) Don't look for a lover at work - too complicated, or amongst your circle of friends - too dangerous, or within 10 miles of your house (at least) - too risky.

Look somewhere like the Internet - http://www.illicitencounters.co.uk/ - is definitely one of the best available, for serious affairs, flings, no strings attached fun etc. But make sure you follow their tips about how to fill in your profile and how to stay safe.

Other options include other dating websites available on the net, it all depends on your budget, but one thing I can't stress enough is make sure you're honest. Don't hide behind a person you'd like to be, because when it comes to meeting for real, women can spot a fake a mile off and that's just a wasted journey for everyone.

Be yourself, be confident and be positive.

She's out there for you, trust me, I'm a mistress :)